How can I not make a judgement on a friends fiance before I have even met him?

Question

my friend and he came out to visit from the UK in 04 and he didn't want to meet any of my friends friends and never wanted to be involved in meeting her family and my friend is very into her family. Also her sister said stuff about it that makes me wonder if he's good enough for my friend I want her to be happy but i also don't like the idea of picking up the pieces if it fails when they come to live Australia

They weren't engaged at the time of coming over here in 04 got engaged in 06 sorry about not making it clear before

Answer 1

It is certainly a big RED FLAG if a fiance' doesn't want anything to do with his beloved's family or friends. If they were engaged in '04, that is not starting off on the right foot - for sure. However, if they were NOT engaged in '04, that may well be a different matter.

A woman who marries a man who is indifferent to her family and friends (but she has a good relationship with her own family and friends) may well be heading for quite a lonely life. Just ask anyone who is married to a man who is indifferent to the other people she loves.

No harm in trying to reach her with the truth.

As far as picking up the pieces of her life if the marriage fails... Frankly, assuming yourself into that degree of responsibilty doesn't sound very healthy (it actually sounds controlling). You can be there for a person, but one adult does not "pick up the pieces" for another adult. That's for them to do for themselves - with the encouragement and support of friends.

It might be that you have already voiced a judgement from something that happened two years ago and you may be coming off as controlling to your friend. This could place you in hot-water with a mature friend who is practicing healthy boundaries... You may have already been asked (or will be asked) to back off.

That being said, I believe you are correct to assume that if a groom is indifferent or hostile (even under the guise of appearing "shy") toward a bride's family and friends, that definitely would not be a good sign for things to come.

Answer 2

Well, 04 was 3 years ago and at that time, he may not have felt the relationship was seriously enough to do the family thing yet. Her sister may be over-protecting your friend. Basically, your friend gets to do whatever she wants no matter how family and friends feel. Do you actually talk (via phone if she's in England and you are in Australia) to her? If so, tell her you want to talk to her fiance just to get to know him a bit and see how you feel after you talk to him directly--you don't have to give him the third degree, just chat with him like you would to a friend (but don't get gossipy or innocuous). He may turn out to be a great guy and your friend the luckiest wife in the world. Give him a chance. And if the marriage doesn't work out, or if your friend finds she isn't happy with the guy, be there for her (you don't have to downgrade him, just be there with her).

Answer 3

You've already passed judgement. I mean, as cruel as it sounds, your perception of him has already been shaped by his behavior 3 years ago and what her sister confided to you.

To be honest, I must agree with Lady Astor and say that all women marry beneath them. It's a silly, fun quote but when you really care for a person on a completely friend-level, it's hard to believe that anyone is quite truly "good enough" for them. You of course want them to have the absolute best and to be treated right - all the time! Humans aren't quite capable of attaining this, and it's by their working together that makes relationships so worth it (and admittedly so frustrating!).

With that said, you now know that you already have a pre-conceived notion of him. The best you can do is acknowledge this and keep an open mind for your friend's sake - not necessarily for his. You still haven't had the chance to meet him and if she's marrying him - there must be SOME good in him. Even if you can't see it because you don't share the same sort of relationship with him that she does.

Don't try to make up excuses for his behavior (oh he's shy, maybe he doesn't have a lot of connection with his family, he felt awkward and out of place in a different country), because if you find out that that the excuse you used to justify his behavior isn't correct - you'll be that much more disappointed in him.

After you've met him, and then had a chance to hang out with him at least 2 more times and he's still cold shouldered you might want to bring it up privately with your friend. Be sure to bring it up as a concern and not a pet peeve and be very neutral on the topic - you won't want her to take it as criticism of her future mate and get her upset at you. In the end, friends stick with friends and though you shouldn't be responsible for "picking up the pieces" - you're obliged to be there for her just as much as she would be there for you.

I had a similar situation with a friend's fiance and actually been the "friend" with the awkward fiance (still am!). It's really hard watching a friend and constantly wondering if it's going to work out - but there's really only so much you can do about it. I was cordial and made an effort to converse with him, but I didn't get overly friendly either. She knew that I didn't really care for him but would tolerate him on her behalf. In the same vein, I realized that many of my friends also disliked my fiance because they had preconceptions on him due to how many arguments we used to get into - so my friends were very slanted against him and in my favor (after all, they are MY friends and not his). My fiance is one of those very shy, quiet types that doesn't do well around many family members or several friends due to a general lack of such where he was raised - and in time, my friends were able to see that in him and accept him for it.

Even so, they met him with prior judgement - just as I met my friend's fiance with judgement beforehand. I'm just glad that they took the time to try to see more of him before totally walking away from both of us.

Answer 4

best way to do that is to meet him.