I've had it. I told him I can't take his drinking anymore, especially when he binges. BUT I also know I can only help him so much--if he is going to change he has to make it happen, not me. Should I stay with him while he tries to stop? Or shoud I tell him he's on his own until he can show me he is sober?
2007-03-27 15:31:29 · 23 answers · asked by KathrynCK 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
You dont want to put yourself through the pain of staying and watching someone drink them selves to death. But if he really means it that he is going to put an effort in then you should try and support him. Look at family history too it is hereditary it gets passed down generation to generation. But if its too much and he keeps going back to the bottle, then I would leave he will show you what is more important you or the bottle.
2007-03-27 15:38:15 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
As long as he's drinking he's not in the relationship- PERIOD! Your involved with a shell of human, a shell whose
decisions are made by the alcohol and not him.
Personally, I would leave him as there is limited future with him (once sober, you'll see a different man-- one you may not recognize and one who didn't choose you in their sobriety but when alcohol was making the decisions); however, should you opt to stay, make some crystal clear demands and don't enable him:
** he must attend AA 4-5 times per week (rehab and AA have about the same success rate- <10%)
** he will get a sponsor and see/talk with sponsor 3-5 times per week for the first 3 months and no less than 2 times per week thereafter
** he will have no alcohol- period. Don't deviate- no excuses! If you deviate, the relationship is sacrificed and there's nothing there for you.
** you attend Al-Anon.. trust me, you'll need it
** he has no therapy for the 1st year for him- avoid therapy until he's been sober and in AA and with a sponsor for 1 year. Most will tell you to attend therapy while becoming sober- this is counterproductive and will most likely compel him to relapse. He must 1st become sober.
** be supportive, but be prepared to walk away if he relapses 1-2 times.
Understand that his drinking is no longer a choice... it's a medical condition, an addiction that determines his life, one that he is powerless over until he gets help! Also, remember, he is a BF, not your husband or the father of your children-- walking away is not indicative of your being a failure.
And finally-- fix your "picker" and start choosing men with quality and substance-- keep picking guys like him and your life will be hell on Earth!!
Good luck!!!
2007-03-27 22:38:17 · answer #2 · answered by Wisdom??? 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Hi you are in a hard situation ,your boyfriend needs to seek professional help , you could try supporting him for a certain amount of time but if he is not prepared to make an effort for himself and you then walk away sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they wake up to themselves , some people dont change at all , if he does not change the future will not hold much for the both of you alcohol cost a lot of money and his alcohol will come first,,i wish you luck
2007-03-27 22:40:48 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You've given an ultimatum, you need to follow through. He'll need to get into AA(none of this"I can do it alone" crap) He's going to need support of other AA members. You might want to join Al anon, this will show him that you believe him, and that you'll be working towards a better understanding of an Alcoholic's disease. At this time it's all about YOU, you'll need the knowledge and tools to help YOU. I wouldn't live with him while you both are working your program. You both need to realize that you need to take care of yourselves in order to have a better relationship/relationships. There are no guarantees, but at least you will come out feeling stronger.
Remember the 3 c's: You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, you can't CONTROL it. Best of luck to you both! Your both worth it!!! Time to live!
2007-03-27 22:54:52 · answer #4 · answered by Pixie48 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let's play the numbers game. Every second of your life is precious. The next second is not guaranteed to you!
Now, you do the math. What if it takes him 1 year to sober up? Don't like those figures? Then what if it takes him 5 years to sober up? Get my point?
Wish him well and get on with your life!
2007-03-27 22:43:51 · answer #5 · answered by DARMADAKO 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Dump his Binge Drinkin ***, He will either sober
up real quick if you leave him or he'll spiral out of
control and lay drunk in a pool of his own vomit..!
Either way you are far better off away from him,
you deserve better.
I mean if he knows you will stick by him during
these binges he will continue because he will
see you won't leave him to drink leaving you
were you are now.!
But if you leave and live your own life and show
him you don't need his drunk ***! he will be
forced to change..!
Either way you win, there's a much larger world out
there filled with beautiful people waiting to be met.
Or would you rather a Drunken boyfriend full of
lies and broken promises, it's up to you to decide
not us..!!('-')
2007-03-27 22:49:59 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Both I think, set an ultimatum, that he attend counseling starting NOW and get into AA NOW, and if he continues to do those 2 things and shows improvement then you will stay, if he refuses to get help and says he can do it on his own, then you should head out.
He may have to hit rock bottom, including losing you, before he realizes how bad the situation is.
2007-03-27 22:48:52 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah promises promises
they all say that - he needs to prove that he is willing to stop by admitting himself into rehab and not for a short term - he should stay at least 3 months or so for his addiction and a live in rehab - with no visits from you
then if he is willing to do that for a start - you should wait till he comes out as a sober person and hopefully things work out
good luck
2007-03-27 22:37:22 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
It's not healthy for you to stay in this relationship until he has gotten the help he needs. It's not that you can only help him so much...it's that you can't help him at all. This is one battle that is entirely his own. I would like to suggest joining a support group for people who are in the spot you're in...such as Families Anonymous.
2007-03-27 23:11:09 · answer #9 · answered by Miami Lilly 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave til he is at least a year clean and sober, after having taken treatment. Then, don't live with him then, just date if you want to see how he is.
2007-03-28 08:34:03 · answer #10 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋