How to deal with a bossy, obsessive, paranoid dad?

Question

He's an only child and grew up spoiled without consideration to anyone's feelings but his own - he's in his 50's and still throw temper tantrums if he can't get his way or things are out of his control - he will yell and threaten to become violent.

He gets over - involved in people's business and doesn't realize he how overbearing he is. He will go through everything in my room (without consideration that you don't snoop through anyone's things) just to find what he was looking for. He'll reorganize completely my CD collection because that's what he "wants to do" and is "right"; even though i strongly oppose

he is OBSESSIVE and i want him to stop - how?

and don't tell me to talk to him because it's not going to work...
and please explaint the psychological concepts and factors behind this - can this be genetic? I sure hope not...

nooo i'm not a teenager btw, im in college - i'm not moving out because financially, it's impossible. My mom is fine because even though she'll still be strict with me, she's given me the respect i deserve as a young adult - my dad is just an inconsiderate spoiled brat even to my mom...

nooo i'm not a teenager btw, im in college - i'm not moving out because financially, it's impossible. My mom is fine because even though she'll still be strict with me, she's given me the respect i deserve as a young adult - my dad is just an inconsiderate spoiled brat even to my mom...

Answer 1

It's harder for young people to leave home these days and the average age is 26 for leaving home and if you leave before you're 21 you have a 75 percent chance of having to come back.
So, you're stuck with your dad. Know that 1) you can't change him 2) or control him, and you 3) can't cure him. He's going to be this way forever no matter if he has an actual disorder or not. It's not for you to determine or to diagnose him. It's your job to respect him just because he work hard to put up with you and he did his very best with what he's got even though you might think he's doing a poor job of it, and maybe he is, but he still deserves respect because he's putting a roof over your head and yeah, nothing's free and putting up with your dad is your debt to pay.
So, he's not hurting you, he's just annoying? And you're his kid and so your perception of him is a bit askew, you can't help that. You expect him to be together because we all need our parents to be more together than we are, and it just ain't happening. Let him be. If two people are dancing and one person stops dancing, chances are theother person will stop too. Learn how to stop dancing. You know? Let it go. Do what you need to do for yourself, to be cool and healthy and if you need to get away, then get away. Talk about it with a shrink maybe , they got those free at college, right? Maybe he needs help, but you do too, not in a bad way, but it seems awfully stressful to have to deal with that. Deal with it. You know? Take care. Love your dad, please. Life is short. It's shorter for him. He's maybe crazy, but we all get that way when we have kids that tell us how screwed up we are. And we all are. Just love him and take care of yourself.

Answer 2

I am so sorry that you having such a hard time with your dad. My answer will not solve the problems because truthfully the only one who can change your dad is your dad. Even though it may and probably will fall on deaf ears tell your dad how it makes you feel to be violated by his changing and reorganizing and invading your space. People that suffer from obsessive-compulsive disorder will feel that it is necessary to do things that "normal" people don't do. He probably sees something isn't right and he is compelled to fix it somehow to his specifications. I am not sure about the genetics of this but i believe it can be, that doesn't mean you are positively going to have this problem too so do not let this thought cause more upset in your life. There are groups that the families of mentally ill families go to talk because it is so stressful on the family living with a child or parent that suffers with any kind of disorder. Look up NAMI and find a group in your area, they will be able to give correct information and support for you and your mom. If it continues not to get better at home you may want to look into Job Corp they have a great program with education, job training, school, and you can get away from this for awhile. Please try to remember though, your dad is sick and he does not set out to hurt you intentionally, maybe you can lead him to a good doctor. Best wishes.

Answer 3

My mom is similar to what you've described, although I think I was fortunate to get a lesser degree of paranoia. :-]

I am 17 and my parents divorced when I was 2 or 3. For most of my life I lived with my mother who, because I was her first and only child and due to the issues we dealt with involving my dad, was overly obsessive, paranoid, and quite easily pushed over the edge (not without reason, sometimes). I moved to my dad's house about four years ago just to get away from it all because I couldn't find another way to deal with it. In the last year, I've moved back to my mother's because...well, let's say she's the lesser of two evils.

In an instance where you can't choose between parents or you have no where else to go, my best advice isn't to just talk to them. I know what that's like when someone is completely unresponsive and unreceptive to outward suggestions--my dad is the same way. But the only way I can think of for you to deal with it is to talk to your mom. She seems like the only avenue of help you have. If your dad treats even HER badly, I would say he's not a very nice person and maybe neither of you can do anything about it...

Get professional help if using both you and your mother against him doesn't work.

Sorry I don't have anything more helpful, but sometimes the only thing to do is just stick it out until the storm blows over...

There are some things only time can change!

Answer 4

True obsessive behavior can only be helped with meds and counseling and anger management. So if he has a true diagnosis, whether he has been diagnosed or not, it sure sounds like he does, then you take care of you. Avoid any power trips and encounters, he loves power and control. I can be like this, but not so extreme. I am 56. The best and sometimes hardest way with these dads,I had one, is to never engage. It sounds crazy, but when I was a teacher and a parent would come into my room after school screaming and yelling, I would just answer with "oh", "my", "how sad" and sound very sincere. "I don't know" works wonders. Find out how to use evasive language, my daughter could teach you. When I call and maybe say<"How come you didn't call me back "
She will say "I thought about it but didn't quite get to it" or "almost" is another evasive word, or " I will if I don't forget" The shorter the better, You have to remain even keeled the entire time,and this will completely disconnect you from them and the power they have over you. I have become very good at this so you can email me if you like.

Answer 5

Um...i sort of disagree with what the last person says but i guess until you do start paying some bill the rent, then you can have all the privacy you can muster but just because you r living under his roof doesn't mean that he can just totally disregard ur feeling becuase if he really does love you, which i'm sure he does then he wouldn't want to do anything to you that would make you so unhappy, and since you r a young adult then he should sit down with you and talk to you like adults, there's no reason in the world why he should be acting like a child. My theory is if he/she acts like a child then they should be treated like a child. but like thas ur dad and you just got to do something stay over a friends house or get a roomate or talk to your mom and try to get her to do something, and tell him, he needs to stop if he ever wants to see any grandkids (which is totally up to you)

Answer 6

Ask your Mom to talk to him. If that doesn't work then you are going to have to sit down and write him a concise intelligent letter stating all the things you wish he would not do.

Maybe you should yell back at him as threaten violence too.

My Mom was this way. Finally, one day I had enough and I threw the fit. Let me tell you it kept her quiet for a long time.

Answer 7

If you're not willing to talkt o him about it, then youll have to deal.
Or get a lock.
I suggest the latter.
Not much you can do unless you move out. He's fifty years old. You don't tell a grown adult (who supports you under his roof) what to do.
Facts of life.

Answer 8

This probably has to do with his family when he was a child. He could have developed this by spending time with his father and has adapted that way of thinking. If you can't even talk to him rationally anymore then there isin't much you can do for him.

Answer 9

Put a picture of a revolver up in your room and below it post the article you've found about a son that could no longer tolerate his father's unfair treatment and one day came the last straw......... . Get the idea. HE WILL!!

Answer 10

Read the book "children of the self absorbed". It will help you indefinately. Also read the book "boundaries".