The day I was married I did not celebrate as most brides because of guilt. Basically, I was too young (even at 18) but felt morally compelled to elope because it was the 'right thing to do' and my abusive home life did not afford for me to stay home pregnant. At the time, I did not fully understand the obligations of a marriage but I was happy to escape. Not to mention I did not intend for it to be permanent, and even my husband (and best friend) reassured me that I had the option to divorce when I finished college. Quite frankly, my whole marriage was based on an arrangement he and I made and not established as a sacred relationship in front of God. What does a person do when they finally come to terms with this as an adult and not an irresponsible high schooler? I'm still not in-love but it's a good relationship. However, I am almost finished with my degree and realize there is something missing now and soon I have to decide one way or the other. Respectful opinions appreciated.
2007-03-27 14:36:51 · 32 answers · asked by Tabatha 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
For those who asked, I have been married for right at 7 years. My husband loves me. We have been to marriage counseling on different occasions, with a chaplain and with regular therapist. I just feel like I am failing because I am always the one having to work and try at the relationship. He seems to be fine with how things are. I'm not saying I haven't had moments of happiness; he's my friend and I am not a miserable person. I have worked hard and made everyone believe we have a wonderful marriage. However, I have been honest with him right from the beginning. He is a good guy like everyone says very loyal, devoted, and a great father, but since I expressed my confusion last Fall he is in need anger management as he flys off the handle with me ever couple days, for which I am understanding and deserve.
2007-03-27 18:09:39 · update #1
Drop the guilt...its the devil's treadmill it weighs on your relationship and self-worth but has no purpose. You've already done your best to make things right and seem to have a good head on your shoulders so forgive yourself and move on. Don't throw out the baby with the bath water----its possible that you are in the marriage God wants for you. At least, I believe you are right where you are supposed to be. How could you establish a steamy romance with anyone with the stresses and changes of moving, a new relationship, school and a small baby? of course you are exhausted.... before you jump ship find out if you CAN love this man or not. Pray for him and your relationship. Then arrange for a sitter and take him out on a blind date (send him an anonymous card and have him meet y ou someplace the two of you ahve never been before). If you are looking for a steam romance, chances are so is the person who is sleeping beside you. This is the real work of relationships and where the real payoffs begin. God Bless....
2007-03-27 15:27:42 · answer #1 · answered by Sweetserenity 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honey, just to reassure you it's okay that you aren't like most brides, here's a little news flash....more than half of those fancy celebrations end up in divorce. Too many people put so much emphasis on the "big day" that they throw what really matters into the trunk. And what really matters is what you and your husband have. Sure it may lack the thrills and the luster of all the hoop la, but it has one really important thing. Two people who are working together to keep their committment come hell or high water. In this day and age, it's very seldom you find that kind of loyalty, love and dedication it takes to make that work. At 18, you did what you had to do to make things right. You haven't said how much time has passed, but based on your description of acknowledging being an adult, I'd say it's safe to say it's been a few years. You can't honestly tell me that in those few years, there hasn't been a few occassions where you were happy in your relationship. I'm sure there are, especially since you married your best friend. When you get to that point in life, you have to learn to want what you have honey, not what you don't. Now is not the time to reflect on life and judge your relationship by past mistakes. If you do that, it's going to fail and fail miserably. I've been married 18 years. Not all of them were happy either. I even went through bouts where I wasn't "in love" with my husband. It didn't mean I didn't love him, it just meant the desire wasn't there. We all go through the "what ifs" in life, and it's at that exact time where instead of counting the missed opportunities, we start counting our blessings. You are a very wise woman, who was lucky enough to end up with your best friend for a husband and the father of your child. Not many women have that honey.
I know this isn't the answer you were looking for hon, but sometimes the best advice comes from someone outside the box.
I wish you luck
2007-03-27 15:00:59 · answer #2 · answered by Hollynfaith 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
The thing I see missing here is your husband. How does he feel NOW? Is he in love with you? How does he feel about ending the marriage now?
However, the biggest missing link is your child. Your post looks like you got married due to a pregnancy, right? How old is your child now? What is it going to do to him/her if mommy and daddy get a divorce?
It looks like you've got a lot of serious thinking to do here, and your decision is going to involve more than just you, whatever your decision ends up being.
Also, if you leave, the grass is definitely not always greener on the other side of the fence. You could very well find yourself single and looking back, wondering why in the world you gave up what you say is a good relationship.
My advice? Talk openly with your husband about everything after you have really thought about and been honest with yourself about what you really want. If you KNOW, then be true to yourself, and deal with the reprocussions. If you really don't know what you want, then take a lot of time thinking this one out. Once you leave, that door is going to close behind you.
I'm not being judgemental at all. Just be very sure you have considered all the possible outcomes before making any changes.
Best of luck
2007-03-27 14:49:32 · answer #3 · answered by Amy N 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Often after 2 or 3 years the glow wears off anyway. Sounds like this is a very special man who was willing to take you out of a difficult situation and cares enough about you to have stayed. Most marriages are based on some arrangement or other, yours isn't much different from most. In-love is a sweet rush that diminishes. A good relationship is what everyone wants. Be grateful for the gift you have.
2007-03-27 14:55:17 · answer #4 · answered by Alicia 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I know exactly how you feel. 20 years ago I married at 18. i was pregnant and my dysfunctional home would not have been a good place for me so we married. I thought I was in love at the time but over the years have had alot of regrets that I often take out on my husband who by the way is a really great guy and father. Now that our children are older I really cannot see myself staying with a man I love but am not in love with. On the other
side of that though is do you want to spend the rest of your life alone, which is a possibility also. I am still struggling with this. Good luck either way !!! Just think it through carefully.
2007-03-28 00:41:08 · answer #5 · answered by pat1268 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It sounds to me that you've matured enough to finally have come to this conclusion.
Why have you come to this conclusion?
Have you thought of possibly getting a marriage counselor involved with this one? Could it be because your about to receive your degree, and there's a great big world out there? I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to get the connection. There was nothing wrong with your "moral" decision, actually it was very "adult" of you at 18. The "in-love" part needs to go both ways, and sometimes with the proper knowledge you might both achieve this. I believe that would be something to look forward to, to work towards, and have a very happy life together. Marriage is something that is always under construction, it's the foundation that that's important! (you both already have this, sadly most people don't) Hope this helps. Ps..Congrats on your up and coming Degree!..just went back to school after 20years, it's great!
2007-03-27 14:59:45 · answer #6 · answered by Pixie48 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Although you state you have a good relationship, you also express a desire for something more.
Talk to your husband. My experience is that when something is missing from a relationship, both people are aware of it, even one of them is not yet willing to recognize it.
By the way, you state that your husband reassured you that he would grant you a divorce when you are through w/college -but you don't state whether he used to/still does view you more romantically or as a best friend? If it is the former, you should talk to him about your feelings as soon as possible. You don't want to make him felt as if he is being strung along. This guy rescued you from what sounds like a horrible situation & he deserves your honesty.
Good luck!
2007-03-27 14:43:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Don't listen to these idiots . The grass is greener out there. You do deserve love . The kind thats head over heels & it is out there. Use the experience that this marriage has taught you . Go find it!!! Sounds like at least you were lucky enough to make friends w/ you husband . Talk to him . Make him understand you want more from this life . Something he can not offer. Hopefully you can be friends . You have a child together. In my situation I was unable to do that .Not b/c they wanted to leave , but b/c they lied & disrepected me. They were not honest w/ me. I cannot be friends w/ someone who is a liar. I was married twice ,{both were cheaters} They made my life hell b/c they felt guilty instead of just being honest. They didn't love me anymore. I don't think they ever really did or we wouldn't have had the issues we had. Move on . Try to let them down easy w/o being hateful .Go find your dreams There is true love out there. The grass is greener & now you know yourself so you can find it. Remember something also, find someone 4 you . Children grow up & leave. Your child has a father already!!!
2007-03-27 15:12:02 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
Being you went into the marriage knowing that it was arranged between the two of you, that gave you the ability to kind of block out the love and happiness b/c you were trying to get away from a hard place. You really haven't focused on being happy. I would suggest since the relationship is good, see if you can make something out of it, even though it was arranged. Feelings can change. You just have to allow them to. I wish you the best.
2007-03-27 14:44:14 · answer #9 · answered by Mrs. Hester 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
First i want to say i agree with those who said your husband appears to be a good man with your interests at heart ..I would suggest however the when you finish school..you move out on a TRIAL separation ..I believe it is the only way you are going to know for sure..If you stay you may begin to resent him and your relationship..and if you leave you may realize he is the one , but if he is not ..Best to find out soon ..you need Peace of mind as well
2007-03-27 15:02:41 · answer #10 · answered by connie b 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋