How can tell my daughters that it is OK to call my fiance "dad" when her real dad tells them no way?

Question

My ex husband of 3 years tells my duaghter that he would be "very sad" if they were to call my fiance dad. I have a 2 year old son with my fiance. My daughters mention on why they can't him dad too. I say it is OK but then they have guilt of ther're real father that it would upset him. I don't feel it is right to enforce the issue but my feeling is that they want me too. What do I do? Please help!

Answer 1

I hope you don't encourage them to call this new guy Dad. Your daughters only have one Dad - good or bad.

Why don't you guys find a special and sweet nick name for this new and important person in your life?

Answer 2

He is not their dad, therefore they have every right to not call him dad. Also if your ex husband is of 3 years and u have a 2 year old son with the new guy. Then that leaves only a few months after ur divorce before you were pregnant with a new man. Maybe you should spend a little time discussing with your daughters whats going on. It sounds as if one day dad was there, day 2 dad is gone, day 3 theres a new guy, and day 4 mom is pregnant. They are probally really confused! But it isn't their dad and even if and when he becomes a step dad he should NEVER be called dad. They obviously have their real dad and introducing a new man and saying hes dad is very hard for a child to understand! If their real dad wasn't around that would be a whole different story! But he is around , so why would you want them to call this new guy dad. What happens when you 2 split up, he wont be back to see those kids. And then there will be a new guy who you tell them to call dad. And then he too will never be back around to see the kids, BUT their DAD will, he will continue to be around and that is the only man they should ever call dad because it is the only man who will ever be their dad! Stop worrying about pissing off your ex, and be a good parent!

Answer 3

I would say that the children have to do what they feel comfortable with. I would not force them to call your fiance Dad and I would talk to their father and lay it down like this. There are so many children in this world that do not have any parents. This is a person who has come into our lives and cares for the children. The more people children have in this world that are in their corner the better, it's a jungle out there. I have two Dads and they both know it and don't trip about it. They know who their real father is and no matter what they call anyone no one can take that away from him. Sounds like he needs to grow up because if he has stooped to guilt trippin' kids then there is something wrong with him and the problem is not going to get better until YOU talk to him. The problem is that a lot of men do not want to take a really active role in their kids lives whether they are with the Mom or not but then they want to puff out their chest and say those are my kids. It is a bunch of macho crap. If he is raising the kids also they are going to have feelings for him. I am sure he would not feel the same if he was with someone and they felt comfortable enough to call her Mom.

Answer 4

I was divorced when my daughter was 11 months and my son was 3 yrs old. They only have 1 dad and I did not expect or encourage them to call anyone other than their biological father "dad". Their dad wanted his new wife to be called mom, and I threw a fit and they never called her anything except her 1st name. Its not appropriate and its an insult and somehow I feel like you are encouraging this.
Divorces happen sometimes more than once and you are confusing your children. Their guilt is natural and they should not feel in any way obliged to call your boyfriend "dad". You need to convey to them they can call him his 1st name or whatever they wish and take the pressure off and leave it alone. Your not married to this man and you have a child together. Something is wrong. Get real.

Answer 5

First of all, your fiance is not their dad and you need to address that to your daughter. You need to tell them that the only person you can call dad should be their own dad. You shouldn't pressure your daughter to have to call your fiance dad when he isn't her dad. It will just confuse her.

Yes, it would be sad if you are teaching your daughter to call your fiance dad. Because in all reality, he isn't her dad. Your fiance will only be the step-dad. There is a difference.

Remember, just be totally honest with your kids. As they grow older, they will have many questions and the best thing to do for them is to tell them the truth.

Answer 6

It should be your daughter's choice, without anyone's personal feelings or wants contributing to her decision. I would trust your daughter to do what she feels like doing about it, when and however she may decide. That is more than enough for you to do. Anything more is just a mask for another issue, which could be that your husband doesn't want you and your daughter to move on-for whatever reasons; you are using your daughter to try to get closer to your fiance; or whatever - who cares! IS "DAD" a BAD WORD? My hubby calles me sweet-pea AND I IN NO WAY AM GREEN, nor am I a vegetable!! lol

Let's just put it this way: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names will never hurt you.

The more important issue is that she knows she is loved and respected for what she wants. Ever notice how children have a way of saying things that stun us adults? They have an uncanny way of stating the obvious when it comes to reality.

Furthermore, this issue could also be an extremely important tool and lesson to teach her of her own worth of her value as a person - not the importance you and your fiance's needs, nor, and especially, your ex husbands'. By all means she must learn to separate her feelings from others who would want to impose themselves into her needs. It is critical that you let your child understand and feel that there is no pressue from you!

Answer 7

Take it from experience. I was in the same boat when my sons were 2 and 4--now, both of my sons are college bound. I let them all both my ex husband dad--and my new husband at the time dad. It never confused them and in fact, it makes them better, secure people. The 2 "dads" never argued over it, because I didn't let them. I told them that kids have a tough enough time growing up today without their arguing who is best! Men have this "alpha male" stigma, but in this day and age of mixed families, it's not uncommon at all. Tell them both to toughen up and accept that life is not perfect. If anything 2 dads are better than one! Peace to you.

Answer 8

Well, I know that Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher have a similar situation, and i read somewhere that her daughters call him "MOD" or My Other Dad. Your ex husband doesnt live with you, so he isn't around to hear it. Have them call him "Daddy John" or whatever his name is. or "Poppa John" or something like that. Your ex can be just "Daddy" - and talk to him, and tell him that for their well being, he needs to keep a lid on it. Men are lame that way, they want to be the end all to everything, and well, it's not reality. The most important thing is that your daughters feel 'part' of the family at hand, and that their Dad is ok with it. Make him understand that you don't need your daughters to feel all 'mixed up' about anything. They need to feel secure, and he should be VERY happy that there is a man around who is caring for them. Good luck!

Answer 9

It is not OK for them to call your fiance "dad". He is not their dad! Of course their biological dad is offended. Would you want them calling his new wife Mom? Think about it. Find another nickname or just have them call him what he is... Step Dad or S-dad. Having them call him dad just sets up a bad relationship between him and your fiance. It confuses the kids loyalties.

THE ONLY REASON YOU REALLY WANT THEM TO CALL YOUR FIANCE "DAD" IS TO ENCOURAGE A STRONG RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FIANCE. That can be done in other ways that won't hurt your exhusband and won't make the kids feel disloyal. Use a nickname.

Answer 10

I've got to say that I'm with your ex-husband on this one. I have a stepfather who I love very much, but he is NOT my father. My father is the only one entitled to the name of "Dad" from my sister and I.

Try putting the shoe on the other foot. If your ex-husband remarried, how would you feel about your daughter calling her stepmother "Mommy"? I'm willing to bet that you wouldn't be okay with this.

Consider finding a different name word for your daughter's stepfather. Uncle Joe, Bubba, whatever, so long as it isn't a Daddy word and it's something that makes both your daughter and your fiance feel like they have something special just for them. One friend of mine is called Adah (pronounced Ah-dah) by his stepkids. It is a Hindu (I think) word that means something along the lines of "Somebody who loves the child".

Answer 11

It is not okay. this is the part where you and your ex need to establish respect and communication with each other for the benefit of the kids. He is THEIR father and he is uncomfortable with it....I am sure they can come up with some other endearing and respectful way to address your fiance....I understand that you dont want them to just call him by his first name.... Sure your girls want you to force the issue....its call divide and conquer.....and it starts now with test issues and when they are older it will be harder..... It also establishes that you and he can never agree.... I'd say pick your fights dear and this isn't one worth the cost....