Last year I had an affair w/ the love of my life.We met up after 20+ yrs & fell madly in love all over again.The problem is now I'm married, with 2 kids, and my husband is relatively speaking, a great guy, not perfect, but pretty darn close, except I haven't felt the passion for about 3 years now.I have felt lonely in my own home & have thought about this other man every day for the last 20 years.He is asking for this woman's hand tonight, because he is en route to becoming a christian pastor and is feeling pressured to be married in order to serve the church - his other true love. He has admitted that he doesn't love this woman but does care for her. I care for my husband too, but do not feel passionate love for him, like I do with this other man. We broke up in may of 06 but not a day goes by that I don't think about him and how I'm blatently lying to my husband when I tell him I love him when I only deeply care for him. What can I do? What should I do? Is there anything I can do?
2007-03-27 14:00:09 · 14 answers · asked by Canela 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
wow girl, you've got quite the problem, but you need to think of what is best for you, but still consider everyone else around you.....just think, if we went our whole lives only thinking about everyone else, where would we be right now?
some times its ok to be selfish, but before you make any drastic moves you really have to analize everything, talk with your lover, make sure that if you leave your husband for him, if he will be faithful and commit to you...
i cant imagine living the rest of my life with a man i dont love, you would be living a giant lie, and within that mess, someoen is bound to get hurt, whether it be the pain YOU feel everyday, or HIM finding out that you dont love him and were pretending for twenty years.
Your kids may not be the most understanding, but like i said you have to do what you have to do, but be sensitive about it, just explain to them that you still care about your husband very much, but you just dont love him the way you used to. let them know that they will see you and daddy, and things will be different but you will all work together to push through it...
whatever you do, it wont be easy, but while choosing....even though it sounds corny and straight from the books, if you sit down and write down all your options, then go through and write out all the pros and cons for each problem...then go through, and see which situation has the best outcomes for YOU and then the ones around you....
i hope this helps babe.....i hopen you make the right decision!
2007-03-27 14:10:52 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You probably won't listen to this, but PASSION DIES!! Being married with two children can feel lonely, even unappreciated. This 'old lover' is like Prince Charming right now, but that can take a mean reversal. Think about it! What kind of guy says he's going to marry a woman and doesn't love her (poor other woman!). PLUS, this "Christian" is having an affair with a married woman who has two children!! Does anyone smell a rat, here, besides me?! You say you have a "relatively great guy" for a husband...do you know how many women would love to say those things about their hubby?? Millions. Don't throw a good thing away for 'lust' and that's all it is. You will regret it for the rest of your life! P.S. You can do SOMETHING to spice up the sex life at home...it takes two!
2007-03-27 14:20:37 · answer #2 · answered by Eve 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think that we all want what we can't have, and because we cant have it, we want it even more! If you have a great husband, I think you'd be making a huge mistake to leave him. Dont leave him due to a lack of passion. You feel so much passion with the other guy because it's new (again) and it's exciting. Also, the risk of getting caught adds to the excitment. Marriage isn't easy, it's like a job in some respects because you have to work on it everyday. Focus on the marriage, you made the commitment, stick to it. Try getting the passion back with your hubby. It's fun to plan sexy surprises, try it. Give that which you wish to receive. I bet you'll be pleasantly surprised if you start doing little special things for your husband. Good luck!
2007-03-27 16:40:55 · answer #3 · answered by mujerloca2002 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why did you two break up the first time twenty years ago?
Should he really be a pastor and make a life long committment to someone he doesn't really love?
He sounds creepy. Will he be blatently lying on the pulpit as well? Sorry to be harsh, but I think God put you where you need to be for a reason. Why did he tell you he's proposing to this other woman tonight? To hurt you? Because you're "close"? Very "awk-weird" if you see him again.
Sorry, BTW.
Hey! Why don't you join his church? Maybe if you see him every week in the robes, you'll be all "Ew". Your husband will look much better dressed up in your pew than this guy will. Trust me.
2007-03-27 14:09:19 · answer #4 · answered by emilsignia 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You owe it to all three of you to be honest about the situation. Keeping secrets is only going to make it worse for all of you.
That being said, what do you think makes a good marriage, in an objective sense? What is love? What feelings go with it? On the other hand, what qualities make for a good *marriage?* If the guy you had an affair with is going to be a pastor and taking a place of respect and honesty while doing something less-than-perfectly-moral (not to mention lying to his fiancee, making her believe he loves her when he's obviously interested in another woman), can you believe that he will always be good to you and your relationship?
Passion fades in any marriage, but friendship, honesty, and stability will keep you there. If your chemistry with the soon-to-be pastor were to fade, would you still want to be with him? You've got a lot to ask yourself, and being honest with yourself (and then men) is the first step.
2007-03-27 14:12:24 · answer #5 · answered by SporkQueen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There was a dog very happy with his bone, then the car stopped right above a puddle of water, he looked in it and saw a much bigger bone, he wanted it so bad he dropped his bone and jumped in for the grand prize. He then realized that what he had seen was he's own reflection in the water and now he had nothing. Sometimes we think we've found something better and leave it all thinking we'll be much happier, life has blessed you with a good man and a good family, don't throw that away for something that might not last, take it as a sign that there's work to do in your own marriage, and proof that what you have is very real and YOURS, much luck to you
2007-03-27 14:18:32 · answer #6 · answered by funiris4u 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i believe that you should always follow your heart. It will never lie to you. I think you should stand up and tell your husband what is going on. If he is a great guy then he will understand. You need to resolve this before your true love gets married. You can't live like this for the rest of your life. It is not right for you or your husband. In a way its holding him back from his true love. Follow your heart.
2007-03-27 15:23:35 · answer #7 · answered by Nicole Z 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should stay with your current hubby, the grass isn't greener on the other side. Tell your hubby that maybe you guys need some counseling to bring back the romance. I also think that most of us have had a long lost love that we wish to hook up with but just take a look at what you have now and the man you chose to have kids with.
2007-03-27 14:18:59 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is becoming a Christian pastor and he had an affair with a married woman? Remind me to never walk into his church. Stick it out with your husband. You have built your life with him. Let the pastor marry this other woman and never speak to him again.
2007-03-27 14:07:12 · answer #9 · answered by Tiffany L 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Do you just say your married and you had a fling with a future pastor, Oh my gosh what is this world coming too.
If he didn't respect your vows of a married women, how is he going to preach.
Stop being selfish, go ahead leave your husband see how far you ll go on your own.
2007-03-27 14:11:05 · answer #10 · answered by none 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋