What am I in for?

Question

My boyfriend just recently proposed to me. We have been together for over four years, but we are still very young. He is twenty and I am eighteen. We are both going to college, and do not plan to actually get married until after I have graduated. I love him very much, we are incredibly compatable, and I could not imagine life without him.

My parents, however, are putting a lot of stress on our relationship. They tell me that although they like him and think he is an excellent guy, we are still too young to get married. I understand their concern, and I realize getting married young will pose a challenge, but my fiance and I are both willing to work every day to make a happy and secure life for ourselves.

So I guess I actually have two questions.

First, does age really matter when it comes to happy and healthy marriages?

Second, as a couple who plans to marry young, what surprises are we in for?

Thanks for any help you can give!

He and I are waiting until I graduate college, so I will be about 22 years old before we actually marry.

Because he is older than I am, he will be graduating from college next year. While I am finishing my last two years of college, he will hopefully be working and saving. We won't get married unless we can financially support ourselves. And we both want steady jobs as well.

Answer 1

I got married when I was 18 years old and I am still with my husband of 3 years and I am happy, but I do not recommend it. I'm not saying that it wont work out, but there is so much to wait for. When you are this age there is still so much out there. It's really stressful on a young couple to have to worry about all these adult decisions that come with marriage.

People change. You two are still growing and I guarantee 100% that there are going to be so many things that will change and this young age in your life. There is no reason why you two can't stay together and not get married yet. There is so much responsibility that comes with marriage. Enjoy your youth and if it is meant to be you will marry in a few years. If you marry now and it doesn't work out you will have to deal with all the legal paperwork and all of the fighting and stress that comes with a divorce. I know that none of this may sound very convincing to you, but you probaly wont understand until you are in that kind of a situation. My main arguement is that it wont hurt to just wait a few more years! Its worth it trust me!

If you are going to go ahead and do it anyway you need sit down and have a serious talk with this man and make sure you both want the same things for your lives. It is best to put everything out there before it is too late. Here are some questions you should be asking each other:

Have we discussed whether or not to have children, and if the answer is yes, who is going to be the primary care giver?

Do we have a clear idea of each other’s financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending and saving mesh?

Have we discussed our expectations for how the household will be maintained, and are we in agreement on who will manage the chores?

Have we fully disclosed our health histories, both physical and mental?

Is my partner affectionate to the degree that I expect?

Can we comfortably and openly discuss our sexual needs, preferences and fears?

Will there be a television in the bedroom?

Do we truly listen to each other and fairly consider one another’s ideas and complaints?

Have we reached a clear understanding of each other’s spiritual beliefs and needs, and have we discussed when and how our children will be exposed to religious/moral education?

Do we like and respect each other’s friends?

Do we value and respect each other’s parents, and is either of us concerned about whether the parents will interfere with the relationship?

What does my family do that annoys you?

Are there some things that you and I are NOT prepared to give up in the marriage?

If one of us were to be offered a career opportunity in a location far from the other’s family, are we prepared to move?

Does each of us feel fully confident in the other’s commitment to the marriage and believe that the bond can survive whatever challenges we may face?

Answer 2

I'd say wait a bit. Stay engaged for a while. I got engaged at age 20 and my mom said i was still too young. It wasn't really all about age but also what mariage brings and whether u'r mature enuff to handle the baggage it comes with. if want a taster, move in with him and take up the wife role. Some men are different pple when they wear husband characters. We're not all angels and that goes 4 u too.

Sort ur eduction and establish a career or stable job coz that'll slow down if u get married 1st. It took me 5yrs to complete a 3 yr Undergraduate course and had a lot of reminders from my hubby on how much money i bring home and how much I spend. There was none of that b4 we were married.
If u're going for then by all means do so as marriage can be very rewarding. Expect the first 5 to 8 years to be ruff tho. All the best and God bless.

Answer 3

First let me say that James' answer was STUPID because none of us entered marriage with the kind of bills he's talking about! Now to answer your question, 1. No age doesn't matter. I was 32 and my wife 21 when we married 8 years ago. We have a wonderful marriage and 2 beautiful children (5 and 6 years old) and 2. There are no real surprises because from what I read you seem to be intelligent and responsible. Keep that attitude about working hard everyday to make a happy life, stay within your budget and don't over spend (buy things you need but always use good judgment on the things you want) NEVER STOP loving each other, always remember your marriage vows and live them to the letter and in all your ways seek GOD'S wisdom and I am confident you will do fine! Best of luck and GOD bless you both!

Answer 4

Congratulations....it sounds like you have taken the time to think through your plans. It is obvious that the two of you are really trying to do the right thing and that is admirable. Your parents mean well and as parents they want to protect you especially from things that they may have experienced early on. However, you should stay true to how you feel, a lot of people marry their college sweetheart and live happily ever after. There is no real way of knowing how things will turn out. There are some advantages to waiting to be married and that is learning to be independent and maintaining a home on your own. These are still lessons that need to be learned and much attention should be paid discussing them. I would suggest sharing a responsibility for something to see what both of your strong points and weak points are. The bottom line is that the two of you love each other and are willing to work at maintaining your relationship. Keep communicating and I'm sure you will make the right choices.

Answer 5

I hate to say it but i agree with your parents, what your wants and needs are, in you 20's, can be different from that in your 30's. You can have a happy and healthy marriage no matter what the age, but as you grow older you change and so do your priorities, what not might seem important to you now, maybe make and break as you get older like travel or when to start a family. Younger couples mostly grow apart and with going to college your both going to be influenced by other people and experiences you can't share or may not be able to predict. |However nothing is guaranteed these days and i wish you all the luck!

Answer 6

to answer ur fist question: no, i don't believe that age is a major factor in whether or not marriages will be happy and healthy. being married is about compromise and yes..it will be very hard at times. life isn't easy and that's just how it is. however, i wouldnt trade not one miserable fight i've had with my hubby for all the happiness in this world. marrying young does not automatically mean u will have a failed marriage....u seem devoted to one another and u sound like u have some smarts about u. as for the whole parents opinion, i've been there....trust me, do what u feel needs to be done for u....u will be the one living with the choice and going through life with the decisions u make and although those choices sometimes will have a small affect on your family, ultimately it all rests on you. besides, noone should be able to tell you how to live ur life....my parents married when they were 19 and 21...and only after dating for 6 months. guess how long they've been together? going on 22 years with 6 beautiful kids as a result. u never know what life is gonna hand ya...good luck to u in whatever u choose.

Answer 7

Very good answer James.

Being only 18, is young indeed. Like you said you are not going to marry until you two finish college. So when will that be or how many years from now?

There will be challenges ahead of you with the both of you going to college and trying to stay together until marriage. Even if you are young or a little older, there will be challenges when the two of you have a career. Just not sure how mature you two really are to make any kind of commitment like that.

I really think that you two are young and maybe you should listen to your parents, I am pretty sure they are living a long happy marriage. Or, maybe they just want you to wait until you graduate from college.

Answer 8

This is your good plan for starting your married life. You are positively right, but what have you planned for your parents. They also deserve a lot from you.

I am not discouraging you. Since I am also a father. I know and Honor the positive and emotional feeling,desires and plannings of the children. But at the same time I also feel that my children should also be somewhat particular about me.

Similarly, your parents also deserve your attention. They have helped you study, brought you up and have toiled through out their life just for you. They love you. They too must have planned something for you. What will be their plight, in case their expectations from you remain unfulfilled?

Both, your better half and your parents are important to you. You have some duties towards both sides. Perform your duties.

Use your brain and not your heart.

Answer 9

It sounds to me that you are a very mature, smart, and responsible young adult. I think you have a good chance of having a long and happy life together. Just make sure that you both do finish school. Twenty two is a great age to get married. Remember that their will be good and bad days. There will be days that you really don't like each other. Talk often about your dreams and goals. Talk about your ideas on having a family. Best of luck to you BOTH!!!!

Answer 10

I think your parents are concerned that you are not going to last through the college experience without one of you breaking the other's heart. College is an intense experience - few people go to college without socializing and you would be bringing your fiance to almost every encounter - as protection of a sort so that you wouldn't be perceived as single and available. It's just really bad timing. I know people who have been engaged all through college when the college was a Christian one and everything was very marriage and family oriented; that is very unusual. Most colleges have something that attracts the crowd that wants to par-tay!