Is this practice fictitious report grammatically right? Is everything in past tense? Is it in active voice?

Question

Is it too wordy? Because if you answer yes to any of the questions could you help me out to make this fictitious practice report better.


At 0945 hours I was dispatched to 4782 Reading st. CA 92287 to investigate a petty theft incident. I arrived about 0950 hours. On arrival I met with the victim, John Smith.

Cole told me he had bought an eighteen pack Monster Drink from Albertson. He left his Monster Drink underneath his car to walk over to a free-standing ATM machine. The ATM machine was about 50 feet away from his car. Cole saw the suspect steal his monster drink. Cole response was “Hey ***** that’s mine,” and the suspect responded “Oh ****” as he ran away into a car. There were two people inside the car, one of them was a white male.

Cole was not hurt and does not know the suspect(s). Cole did not saw any witnesses.

Forward report to investigation division.

Answer 1

I would make a few minor changes, as shown below. I am also a little confused -- you seem to be interviewing John Smith, but then say what Cole told you. It would be clearer if you said 'Cole had told me previously...' The passage is in the active voice except for the statement 'I was dispatched', which you should change to 'I went' or 'XXX dispatched me'.
You should be consistent in your use of capitals on 'Monster Drink'. Either that or 'Monster drink' all the way through.

At 0945 hours I went to 4782 Reading St., CA 92287 to investigate a petty theft incident. I arrived at about 0950 hours. On arrival I met the victim, John Smith.

Cole had told me previously that he had bought an eighteen pack of Monster Drink from Albertson. He had left his this underneath his car to walk over to a free-standing ATM machine about 50 feet away. Cole saw the suspect steal his Monster Drink. Cole's response was “Hey ***** that’s mine,” and the suspect responded “Oh ****” as he ran away into a car. There were two people inside the car, one of whom was a white male.

Cole had not been hurt, and did not know the suspect(s). He did not see any witnesses.

Forward report to investigation division.

Answer 2

It's not too wordy, but it was a little repetitive (you kept saying Cole). There are a couple of typos/missing letters... my suggestion in general is reading what you've written out loud to catch grammatical errors. Everything is in past tense, and in an active voice, btw. Good luck.