Please help me figure out how to talk to my husband?

Question

Ok...I have been having issues with my husband and a "friend" of his (please check my other questions)...I think that he is heading down the road (if he isn't already there) to cheating on me. I have tried to talk to him about it in the past and to no avail. I once asked him to not spend so much time with her, but he told me he couldn't promise me that. He then turned my friendships with guys, that I have had since middle school, against me. I want to point out that I hardly EVER see them because they live in other states now. He has become more and more controlling over every aspect of my life and I am sick of it. I have changed everything in my life to suit him. Now he is acting in a way that makes me think he is cheating. I am scared to talk to him because I am scared that all it will do is turn into a screaming match and him making it out to be all my fault and that I will be in the same position that I am in now. How do I confront him???

Answer 1

Honey,
I went through the same thing. Does it feel he is putting this womans feelings in front of yours? Yes? Then there is a very big problem! He has a connection with this woman weather it is physical or emotional it is CHEATING!
No woman should come before you. If he was serious about your relationship he would put you first!
Sit him down and tell him this. Get it all out.
Give him a chance to cut ties with this woman.
See how he responds. See what he does.
If he puts her in front of you again.............you have to make him listen by doing what is best for you!
I let my situation go so far that by the time he was willing to give up his "friend" I was done!
There was no coming back from were I was.
Deal with the problem or you will become dead inside.

Answer 2

You can not control anyone other then yourself and sounds as if you are the only one willing to work on this marriage. Not good.. I think you need to take a step back. He knows you and your next move. Need to change your actions. At this point marriage counseling would be good thing but he is not going to go let's be real here. If he is cheating or going to think about it is this what you want? Is this the life you want to live. I would tell him you need a break. Take some time for yourself. Let him see he is going to loose you. Is he will to do what it takes to stay married. (give up the "friend"). I know it will be hard but I think the way your living is harder. Stay with friends or family and what ever you do DON'T CALL. If you don't give in right a way he will know you are not playing games and you will get your answer. good luck..

Answer 3

What position are you in right now? Taking the blame for all the problems in the marriage? He knows how you feel about this "friend" and he has not changed his behavior, just defends it by reminding you that you have male friends so it turns into a finger pointing match.

What's the point of confronting him? What do you want from the confrontation? He's already showed you that he will not act the way YOU want him to. I think that resentment is building on your end as you made changes to act the way HE wants you to and he hasn't reciprocated. What made you change things about yourself that you were happy with? To make him happy? You can't make an unhappy person happy. Now you are both unhappy.

Change what you can - how you respond to him. It's your choice whether or not it becomes a screaming match. You don't have to respond defensively when he points his finger right back at your finger. You attack him, he attacks you and round and round we go.

Drop it. Let it go. Concentrate on doing what you need to do right now with your life and let things work out as they will.

Good luck.

Answer 4

This is something that really gets me...woman and relationships. Why do woman feel the need to hang on? Why do we try so hard with nothing in return? Sometimes it is worth trying to fix and deal with the problem. But other times it isn't worth it. If you are with someone that can't respect you and your feelings, than turns it around you, isn't someone you want to be with in the first place. Come on girls, wake up and stop taking crap from guys. It saddens me and makes us strong woman look bad.

I have to agree with most people who have responded but especially kmf77 response. He definitely has the personality of an abuser. Emotional abuse is much worse than physical. Why be married if there is no common respect? Why should you do all the work when all he does is disrespect you and does nothing about it? Nobody is prefect but some people deserve a chance, the people that don't are the people who don't see a problem and don't try to fix it. He doesn't respect you and any guy that doesn't respect a woman, especially his own wife, is scum. He isn't worth it. Find someone who wants the same things you do and will treat you with respect.

Answer 5

When you asked him not to spend so much time with her and he couldn't promise that. Sorry to say but from one married woman to another he's cheating. I know how it is to lose yourself in a relationship but you'll be okay. Don't confront him you can either seek counseling for your marriage or you could pack up his things and tell him that if he rather spend that much time with her then he married the wrong woman. Be polite as possible and when you say your peace walk away with your head held high and a smile on your face. If he leave you have your answer. If he wants to argue you make it clear that you don't want an argument. keep quiet and when he's finish repeat the steps up above.

Answer 6

First off, by staying silent you are allowing him to slowly and painfully ruin your life. Something that no man has a right to do, even if he is the president. A marriage with doubts is heading down the wrong road, so you need to ask yourself do I allow things to go on the way they do, or do I seek some professional help in hopes of making things work. If this man loves you, he will agree to go with you to couple's counseling. I think that if you confront him he will just answer with a simple "You need to learn to trust me, I'm your husband, and stop accusing me." I really think that in counseling he will be forced to open up, and he may tell the doctor what he feels but when you are not in the room. To convince him to go to counseling, tell him straight out, "If you don't do this, I'm gone." Now please don't make empty threats because then he will think that you will never leave him, he will give you all his crap because he knows you're not going anywhere. IF YOU SAY SOMETHING, STICK TO IT! Good Luck!

Answer 7

Marriage counseling is always a great place to start. If you choose to "confront" him he'll take it as being attacked. Instead you might explain how it makes you feel when you see signs that he could be cheating. Keep in mind that it is healthy to have friends outside of your marriage and there is nothing wrong with opposite sex friends. He can only turn things around on you if you allow that to happen, you can ignore his attempt to deflect the conversations.

Answer 8

Sorry to say this, because it will sound rude, honey...BUT WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

This guy is totally having his cake and eating it too...!

The question is: HOW MUCH longer are you going to allow him to treat you like dirt?

Actions speak louder than words- and what you have written HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU and he wants you to call it quits...!

He is giving you ALL the material you need to divorce him, yet you refuse to do it and still hope things will change....!!!

Please take a minute to ponder: You cannot love anyone if you don't love and respect yourself FIRST. He knows this, that is why he has said and done what he has said and done already.

WHY are you punishing yourself and suffering this abuse?
Please think of this....You cannot change others but you CAN change yourself.

If you cannot see that it takes "Two to tango" and he stopped dancing a long time ago, then you need help...ASAP!!!

Good luck...

Answer 9

Just sit down and try to talk to him and tell him exactly what you told us. Heck, copy and paste your question into Word, and just print it out, then hand it to him. If it turns into a screaming match, you're probably used to it, because he never really communicates, he just yells over you anyway (been there...done that), and if that starts, there's NO need to talk because he's not hearing you anyway. Do your own investigating, and if he's cheating, then walk...plain and simple, and lose the headache of going back and forth with someone that doesn't hear a word you say anyway, and probably never will. There's more to life than fighting.

Answer 10

Without being able to communicate on a positive basis any relationship will fall apart. Try and get him to go to a marriage councilor, and if not, and you really want to save your marriage, don't give him the chance to be with another woman. I mean, make him use all his sexual energy at home. If he does continue to do what he is doing and doesn't want to seek help with you to save the marriage, then the marriage is over and you have to act accordingly. Which means leave him and see what happens. Controlling men tend to weaken and cave in when the person they are controlling leaves and makes them see inside themselves. If you do this and he doesn't try and work it out with professional help, then go on and file for divorce, as your marriage is over, unless you just want to permit him to do as he obviously is anyway, and stay just to preserve a one way marriage, for the sack of the children or whatever.