Sexless marriage - how long before one should move on? Separation and Dating also.?

Question

I married young (20) because I was scared and in love. I was desperate all my life, thinking no man would stay with me because it was "inconvenient". I am almost 25 now, and I have grown a little, and am no longer scared of "being alone".
My husband still loves me a great deal, but I no longer find him attractive - and he will not change anything about himself. He says I am "shallow" and need to get over it.

Am I just going through a phase of depression and will one day find him sexy again?

Also, I wonder if he is so stubborn we are not meant to be. He says I complicate everything and am never happy; but he is so stagnant and conservative about any change.
He has no passion, he is boring - but he is stable. I see him as a brother, not a lover. Counseling? He says no.

How long I should wait until I decide it's pointless?

Should I get a separation for a bit and date other men, or will other men think I am still taken?

So many questions - thank you for reading.

My husband I do not verbally fight.
We stopped that our second year.

He is my best friend and I tell him everything. I even told him how I feel.

We have no children.

I am seeing a therapist weekly because I think it's me more than him.

I am praying and trying to meditate and not fill my head with media garbage.

I don't want either of us to suffer and I love him enough to work on my issues before tackling his - but he is still refusing to budge on some that really bother me.

It feels like our love has become conditional and based on favors. I am a very giving, sacrificial woman - I am highly sexual and devotional - but I have my limits and will not give up my entire identity and my lifestyle to rot in suburbia.

When we married, I knew he was a little conservative, but now he's a true blue-collar, 9to5, work-a-day joe, living life on cruise control.

Answer 1

You need counseling. You can't date other guys while your married to your husband. So basically what you want to do is stay married and date other guys until you find someone that you find attractive and satisfies you sexually. Sounds pretty shallow to me. If after counseling you still feel that way, do the guy a favor and leave him. That is better then the poor guy thinking things could work out while some other guy is laying some pipein his wife.

Answer 2

A desperate situation calls for desperate measures.

I question whether communications in depth ever really and truly existed in your relationship? The reason I question this is because of where you are now. If the relationship was based on a good sound depth of communication and establishing more about each other at the earliest period in the relationship more understanding would exist. the fcat that your partner does not want to go councilling means that 'understanding', most certainly on a deep and meaningful level, was possibly never truly established.

Marriages are always tested through the rough and the smooth. I suppose that is why it is impotant to establish awareness of ones emotional side. Yes, it is depth and most men struggle with this, but the test later on in a relationship can prove damaging.

I think that YOU should go councilling yourself to make sure that you understand the reasons why you are feeling the way you do. It may simply eb the case that your feel that you have missed out on so much of your own personal development. This is not unusual. However, I think you realise that this is a BIG decision for you and you need to question and understand more about the reasons why you are feeling the way you are feeling.

Is it a short-term issue or do you really want to move-on? This is the question you need answering - but in counselling. Go alone if need be, but go!

Answer 3

You should go to counseling for you even if he won't go. The reason? you have self esteem issues that still need to be worked out. You have grown a lot in 5 years, but you also need to do some more work on you. Take 6 months and put it all on what you need to make you a happier, healthier person, and when you are, then you can make a better decision.

As for getting divorced, I believe that you made promises when you got married. You should try everything you possibly can before you leave - then if and when you do leave, you'll be able to walk away knowing that you tried and it didn't work. I promise it will be a much better break if you put 100% into it and then you still aren't happy - you'll know you did everything you could. Good luck.

Answer 4

Wow, did I write this question? My husband has called me shallow also. Got married at 25 and had kids. We have two different ideas of what a marriage is. He's happy as long as he has sex. It was when he would say all I had to do was lay there for a few minutes, then I could go back to what I was doing, that the sex ended altogether. We have no passion, no spark. I haven't been attracted to him in a long time and have told him I feel like it's the kind of love I have for my brother. I have grown up so much the last 10 yrs and he has not at all. Spends free time on MySpace or watching "his" tv shows. Meanwhile, I go go go from 6 am until I pass out at 11 pm doing laundry, dishes, dusting, vacuuming, car maintenence, lawn mowing, kids baths. Then repeat the next day. He does nothing but add to my work load. At least the kids know the dirty dishes go into the sink. In the past, he would help out with chores for a week then it would phase out. I have finally reached my breaking point. The dope even once told me to go to the doctor to get a pill to make me want to have sex with him. (yes, he was serious) I asked him if they made a pill to make him more attractive and helpful. We barely talk anymore and I am ready for the marriage to be over before another 10 yrs go by. He is holding on to the marriage because he is pretty sure he won't find another woman who will have sex with him. Also he thinks this is a phase with me and/or depression. But it has been building the entire marriage. I was just too naive in the beginning and thought all marriages were like this where the men did nothing but demand sex and the women did all the household chores. I also held on because I didn't want to disrupt the kids' lives. But I can't live like this anymore. I would love to see him cope in the world on his own. With no one to cook or do laundry for him. To get his oil changes or clean the yard. Or have his money for his bills. Maybe now he'll understand why I get upset if he leaves lights on or the heat on when it is 75 degrees outside. I feel more like a single mom with four kids instead of a married mother of three. Don't worry, you're definitely not alone.

Answer 5

2 years

Answer 6

I understand where you're coming from...my 2nd marriage ended because I "grew up" and realized that I didn't need a man to be happy, I just needed me and to like who I was and to make my life what I wanted it to be.

If he refuses counseling then perhaps it's time to go your separate ways. You've grown/changed and he probably has too, but not in the same ways. Maybe you were once a better match than you are now, but it's no shame that you're not a good fit any more.

Don't separate and date to see how you feel about others...either work this out or move on...how would you feel if your partner wanted to "test drive" some other women to see if he really still wanted to be with you or not? Not so great, huh?

Do what's best for you...remember you've a long life ahead...no point in being unhappy in it, if that's within your power to change.

Answer 7

If what you're doing is no longer working then it's about time you take that to the next stage with assistance from someone who has been in your sneakers and perfected the artwork of getting and seducing women, Joshua Pellicer and the answers you will find in his book Tao of Badass here https://tr.im/Zt5no .
Joshua Pellicer is just a relationship skilled, who reveals men most of the secrets behind finding the girl they want to get and Tao of Badass is an on-line program that attempts to show men getting any sexy and hot woman they desire.
With this specific awesome manual you will also get six bonuses, including the internet video Human Body Language Mastery, along with three free bonus books.
The various films are also outstanding, specially the Human body Language Mastery series. These contain some good information that many men merely don't know about. When you do know, nevertheless, you'll wonder the way you got by without it.

Answer 8

6 mos. ( it's true about what that lady said about how you feel like you wasted years on him. I decided not to waste anymore.) Would you like children someday ? Find you a man that's compatible with you. Somebody that can "git er done" ! Don't go on a mission, but, you are too young to waste what should be a fun time for you and your man ! If you think it's boring now, just wait ! Look 10 years down the road. Do you see it getting any better ?

Answer 9

wow, people give up so easily. Just remember, if you give him up, you most likely won't get him back. Are you ready for that? Also love isn't a game that you can just take a break from for a while. He just might move on. He's a person too. And maybe if you started worrying more about him than yourself then just maybe you would be happy in the long run.

All marriages go through little things like that. Just comunicate.... go out on dates, instead of finding a new marriage, make yours new. Start over doing the things that made you both happy before.

Answer 10

You didn't want to be alone, so you married your husband. You say he loves you. So, since you've worried that a man wouldn't stay with you- you want to leave him, AND you want dating advice. It's great that you plan to reward the man who married you, and loves you; by breaking his heart. So, just go right ahead and leave, and try to screw as many other guys as possible. It would be best if you make certain that your husband gets to see pics of you with a few of your "other" guys. That way, after you realize that a loving spouse is a thing valuable beyond price, it'll be too late, and he won't want you. As for what other guys will think about you, if you separate, don't worry about it. There will be plenty of men to help you destroy your marriage, and your husband. There is always room for another woman looking to be a bar hog.