A neighbor & I have been friendly for 3 yrs, she is also close with other women in the neighborhood for 2 yrs longer.Though
she claims that she feels closer to me & she is not sure if they're "friends" with her for her services as hairstylist, she does spend a lot of time with them. I am not a "party animal" as they all are, weekend get aways,drinking...I get together less with her. My husband hates the other women in the for their ways. I am not a fan of their ways either so I stay away from them. My husband has a hard time with me continuing a relationship with the one who I'm closest to because he feels her loyalty is split between me and them and so there is probability that if they spoke negatively about me she would not stand up for me. I agree. I focus on what she & I have, not on what they have. Being "friends" with her causes problems with hubby and she hasn't done anything for me to end our "friendship". She lives 5 houses down, hard to ignore. I just want to do right by him
2007-03-27 08:55:41 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Maria, you pledged your love and loyalty first to your husband...that's what is covered by your marriage vows. This other gal & the other women are not a part of your marriage agreement. People come & go, but your hubby is here to stay.
Never fail to put him as first and friendships with other people down the priority list. You will find that sometimes special people come into our lives for a reason, then they go away. And then you find new friendships that come & go. Very few friends are lifelong - rare & keepers. But it doesn't sound from your description that these gals are really pegged for deep life-long friendships (any of them).
Your husband loves you; he has your interests and heart foremost in his mind. Heed his advice. Do right by him and take his advice in the the spirit it was intended - concern for your feelings, he knows you best.
032707 7:03
2007-03-27 13:03:38 · answer #1 · answered by YRofTexas 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess the important question is........what does this friendship mean to you? It is certainly upsetting your husband, which is pretty childish actually. You have a mind of your own. You can decide for yourself if you want the kind of lifestyle your friend has. I think your husband should be able to see by now that it is not a lifestyle you are interested in.
Considering you are not going out partying with these women, why is your husband being unreasonable about this. I have a gay friend who is an absolute "tart"....I defy anyone to try and stop my friendship with him. Just because his only interest lies in sex with other men, doesnt mean that is the path I am going to follow. I have lots of different kinds of friends...one is a psychologist who is happily married...another is a Jewish man and his wife. I have lots of friends and all of them are different in some way. I dont think its right for anyone to decide who you can have as your friend based on their behaviour/actions and/or religious beliefs. My Jewish friend and his wife would be one of the nicest couple you could ever meet......I dont follow the Jewish religion, nor am I about to. You are not behaving like her, so whats the problem?
Your attitude to your friend is a healthy one...you sound like a together person and have the intelligence not to be led. I'm sorry, but in this situation, I think you have the right to be friends with this person. I could understand your husband complaining if you were going out partying all the time and spending more time with her than you do with him, but youre not doing that.....so what's his problem? I sure as hell dont understand it.
If it is causing too many problems in the marriage, then it is going to be very uncomfortable in disengaging your friendship, considering she lives 5 doors away. There is no reason to end the friendship and you ending it because its not what hubby wants is not good enough for me...and probably cause a lot of animosity.
I guess its up to you, but I wonder how hubby would react when you meet another friend who he doesnt approve of.....will he destroy that friendship too, and the one after that, and the one after that. Ask him what kind of personality are you allowed to be friends with, then put an add in the local newspaper and get him to interview her and decide who will be the best friend for you. I am being sarcastic, but you understand what I am getting at I'm sure.
Your friend has done nothing more than live her life the way she sees fit...thats her right. You are choosing not to live like that.....thats your right. But it seems like its your husbands right to choose your friends based on his judgements and not yours.....what's next? You let him manipulate you on this one, then you have given him permission to keep you housebound and only allowed to have friends he approves of. It may not seem a big deal, but he is causing problems because you are asserting your rights to decide who you want as your friend. He doesnt have to be her friend, and you have done nothing wrong. I cant see the problem with the friendship....the only problem I can see lies with him.
Good luck
2007-03-27 16:20:32 · answer #2 · answered by rightio 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Doesn't this come down to trust? Your husband has to trust your judgement when you are with these women. If you don't drink and party with the group the friendship may not last. I have many neighbours that I count as friends but I have no intention of partying with them. Hope things work out. Summer is more fun in a friendly neighbourhood.
2007-03-27 16:09:37 · answer #3 · answered by alice 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My ex made me chose between him or my best friend. I chose him...like you I did not wish to cause marrital problems. However, a man who makes you chose, is ultimatelly immature, insecure & eventually he'll drive ALL your friends away. DON"T let him get in b/w you and her. Like you said, you are already aware of her loyalties and this doesn't bother you. Tell him it shouldn't bother him either since you are only taking her at face value. She lives 5 doors down...NOT a good idea to end a friendship this close. Ask him what it is exactly that bothers him? See if boundaries could be set up instead of never speaking to her again. I wish I had NEVER listened to my husband. I divorced him & my friend moved on...I miss her terribly. We talk but it's not the same.
2007-03-27 16:02:58 · answer #4 · answered by luv2bake 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a huge opportunity for gossip if nothing else. Your husband, on the other hand, is obviously threatened by her. Have you asked him why other than the fact she might be a bad influence? If I was in the same predicament, I would be friendly with her but not "close" and tell him he is way, way more important to you than she is. If he still insists you give her friendship up, demand to know the real reason why and tell him he should trust you more than to believe gossip or be influenced.
2007-03-27 16:00:54 · answer #5 · answered by smecky809042003 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I still dont understand exactly why he has a problem with this. I agree with you focusing on your friendship with the girl and not with her friends. So what if her other friends spoke negatively about you... exactly how does this affect your husband? I suggest remaining friends with the one girl, and just ignore the others. Your husband should understand that you need to have friends, and this one friend is a good friend. You dont have to like her other friends. Good luck
2007-03-27 16:00:14 · answer #6 · answered by Angel Eve 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
your first loyalty is to the man you have chosen to marry. all other considerations take a back seat if you wish to keep your marriage intact.
friends can sabotage a relationship either deliberately by openly creating problems and exacerbating them or by submarining the relationship through jealousy.
You have a duty to YOURSELF to get away from negativity that can not only cost you your marriage but your ability to have a meaningful friendship with someone who is not a danger to your relationships.
hard to ignore is a matter of opinion. just because they are nearby doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip. find other things to do and make yourself unavailable for social events with them. find new friends at church, health club or at the mall.
2007-03-27 16:03:51 · answer #7 · answered by stonechic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
do you have other friends? I'd just phase her out if you feel like it'll cause problems with your husband. 3yr friendship with a neighbor is not as important as harmony in your marriage.
of course, if you dont have many other friends or feel especially close to her, then try to change your husband's opinion of her (but sounds like you feel the same as him on certain things!)
2007-03-27 16:05:13 · answer #8 · answered by okiedokey 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He may feel that you will eventually get dragged into the party animal crowd and he may see another aspect of her that you don't see from being her friend. I would stick by my husband if that's the only friend he's going against. If he starts on all of your friends, then he's been controlling.
2007-03-27 16:00:55 · answer #9 · answered by tx_earthangel 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hunny listen to your heart tell your husband what your thinking about. dont be afraid to tell him. and if that girl isnt sticking up for you like IF she wont. ok get a peice of paper out and put on the top GOOD REASONS to the left then wirte BAD REASONS on the right then put why you think you should stay friends with her and then the bad reasons. if there are more good reasons stick with her
2007-03-27 16:02:47 · answer #10 · answered by sucideisablast 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋