Help me sort this please? We don't want to give each other up - but don't know how to live with it.?

Question

I have been married 16 years to a wonderful fantastic woman. She is kind loving and generous. A lovely house and beautiful daughter, an amazing sex life. Until Christmas I was so so happy. Then I kissed a woman I work with. She is a bit younger than me. And just married a year ago. Her second marriage. No kids. She was happy enough, although not having sex due to some insecurity issues, not because they don't love each other. We have known each other 4 years and worked together the last year. She responded. The feelings are incredibly strong for both of us. In fact if we were single we would be perfect for each other. We have made love twice - and it wasn't just sex. Our respective spouses have met and we all get on really well. To the extent that she and her husband have stayed at our house. I do love her and how she makes me feel, and she feels the same. We are both clear that our partners will always come first but we cant give each other up. What are we to do to get on with life?

to jennypenny - would it make any difference if I was a woman and it was a man I worked with?

Some of you have assumed I don't love my wife - I do - very very much and I am still very in love with her. I am not in love with my colleague but I do love her. I have suffered with depression for years and both my wife and colleague were very supportive - but my wife is not as verbally demonstrative as my lover. I think I felt "unappreciated" and kind of stuck in a rut. I will never leave my wife. But my lover and I find it very hard not to enjoy being together and she makes me feel desirable again. She isn't a raving beauty and my wife is much more attractive to me. My wife and I still have a very physical relationship.

Thank you to everyone - I posted this because I felt guilty. The second time we made love was today. I know that now. And so does she. I texted her and told her how guilty I felt and she confessed to the same - and it's not right if it causes guilt. I love my wife and family more than anything else and she does her husband. We are agreed it stops now. Thank you for making me see what a total A**E I have been. I can work with my wife and sort this. You dont get to 16 years, with only 2 arguements, without it being something special.

Answer 1

well, I'm gobsmacked, what exactly is it you wish us to say? that everythings fine, none of this could be helped so just go right ahead with our blessing?

No of course not, it's not our blessing you're after is it, & it's not for anyone to tell you to stop this crazyness either, is it?.......what you want is for us to tell you that it's no-ones fault & you should go right ahead as long as no-one gets hurt.

Well I for one won't be saying that to you.....

I admire your honesty in saying that your wife is wonderful & fantastic & your sex life with her great........you could have been the typical little rat that all too soon puts the blame on the other half.....but in so many ways that just makes it all the more baffling that you could do what you've done...............

D'you know what is all the more nasty about this? it's the fact that both your partners/spouses have met one another & even stayed over at your house, isn't it enough you do this to your marriages but you have to rub the salt in the wound & be totally desrespecful by having her in your home......your wife's home!!!!!
How do you think your wife will feel when all this comes out? because it will come out you know.....nothing can stay hidden forever, not when it carries on as you've already planned for this to.....how long do you think it will be before neither of you can bear the thought of going home to different houses when all you want is to be together...........

I'll tell you what I hope for your future.....I really hope that you get found out, that your wife throws you out on the street & that she meets someone that deserves her & makes her happy again.....I really hope that this sordid little affair of yours [because thats what it is] slaps you right in the face & totally rebounds on you & that your so called perfect partner ditches you in favour of staying with her husband & you're left for a long time just reflecting on all you lost & on all you so easily threw away...........because I'll tell you something for nothing....when & if you finally get with this other woman, do you honestly think you're going to trust her or her you for that matter......you will always wonder if she's doing the dirty on you too, not straight away but after a few years those doubts will come sneaking in.

Your future will be based on a lie, a lie that I really hope comes back to bite you on the ars.e........................

Answer 2

Well, if your current marriage is so amazing as you say, what's missing? Something is missing...or you wouldn't be out doing this. We already know from your description that 'something' was missing for her. I can tell you right now that the woman is looking for the extra security that you are providing, she may seem confident on the outside and so outgoing but it's a front. I've been there and done that. She as well as you both know what you are doing is wrong even if it's not sex -it's adultry and you will lose everything. You realize that the second this becomes public your whole life is going to come crashing down around you. Is this 'new' love worth losing your wife of 16 years (is it a good way to pay her back for all the good she's done) and what about your daughter, do you chance her pain/hurt, and the possibility that she will hate you for hurting her and her mom. I learned this much 9.9 times out 10 it's infatuation and the feelings are wonderful but you only feel that way now. Yeah some people go on and get married what else is there after you lost everything, but truthfully you better take a long, hard look at your life and try to picture it both ways in a realistic point of view, 10, 20 and 30 years down the road, especially when you already have 16 years invested. And you are right, "if" you were single, which you both are not, you might be perfect but you might not...you answered your own question. Are you a gambling man? I would love to say you could keep it a secret, and you could have your cake and eat it too, but there's a rare chance of this happening as one person is going to start receiving more of your affection and in the mean time your conscious is going to be working on you. Then, you have to do the mental work of not getting caught and worry if the other person will hold up there end, especially if your families are relatively close. Last few words of advice: If you really love someone, you can't keep it a secret -physically, mentally and emotionally. So you have the hard decision. The only thing you can do to get on with your life is break it off with the wife or with the other woman and realize that your respective spouses deserve all of you not just half.

Answer 3

I have read all of the replys - Valerie makes the most sense. But I really feel for you. If what you say is true - it's a really difficult position to be in. Try this - look at your wife. Imagine your life without her. That takes away your daughter too. It also takes away a massive part of you. Do you really want that to happen. You need to get a grip and go back to being friends with this woman. I mean your wife. You obviously had a great relationship - envy of most I would bet. When did she stop appreciating you - or when do you think she stopped appreciating you. Is it because she doesn't tell you how handsome you are - when did you last tell her how beautiful she was. Is it because she hasn't told you recently that the room lights up when you come into it, have you told her that lately. Is it because she hasn't told you that her stomach still flips when she sees you. Have you told her ? Go back to loving her and enjoying her. Keep your colleague as a friend - and they need to give their relationship a chance. A year is no time. And remember, for whatever reason she tells you - they are not having sex. And that in itself is very telling. Go back to your wife.

Answer 4

Let me ask you this question... if you found out that your wife was carry on this 'must have' affair with someone she worked with and was considering the sort of things that you have with your 'one and only' woman friend... how would you feel?

What would you do?

I am sorry - no matter what you say son (yes, I apologise - I am talking down to you) you come across as being somewhat self involved and a little vain.

YOU have a daughter remember. YOU have a wife, don't forget... it is time to start thinking about them rather than how much good sex you can get.

Being a man and a gentleman (let alone husband) involves more than bedding beauties... somehow I think you lost that when you made some pretty important vows to your wife (and God) a decade and a half ago... think about that,,, and try to start acting like a grown up... not necessarily for your significant others but for yourself.

I have the feeling thought that you do not have many problems looking in the mirror do you?

Answer 5

There's no such thing as the perfect person - You are having more than just a physical affair - you are very emotionally attached to this woman - the sad thing is that you admit your wife is a wonderful woman and you have a beautiful daughter, and yet you are ruining what you have with them. I've been in a similar situation - no physical stuff - but I was very attached to someone emotionally, If I were you I'd end it with her - stop all contact, even if that means quitting your job - tell your wife about it and work on things with your wife. You are letting yourself be deceived - the "feeling of being in love" is just that - a feeling, it comes and goes - true love is a decision to honor the commitment you made. The grass only looks greener on the other side - in time all lawns need maintenance. Don't be a fool, do the right thing - not the thing that feels right but the thing you know is right.

Answer 6

You both are in love with the adventure and the danger. Do you real know what would happen if they find out? You have ruined 2 families. Your life will never be the same. You will loose the love of a wonderful woman , your daughter. You will have give up the house you are living in and go to something smaller. Do you think this new lady can be trusted already a second marriage and cheating with you. How long till you are not the excitement anymore? It will happen. Get her out of your life before you screw it up worse than you ever thought possible. You love your holidays and your family, your parents will be hurt , your co workers will disrespect both of you The trouble will just get deeper and worse. The grass is not greener, all this affair is going to do is put you in a pile of sh****. Your wife and her husband probably already know something is going on they just don't want to admit it. Run back to a good wife and behave yourself. You old fool. And she is nothing but a cheater too. You both don't deserve good faithful partners.

Answer 7

Oh such a sticky situation. Infatuation has been the cause of so many divorces. When you first become involved with someone, you are in the infatuation stage of love. This is when your body is being flooded with chemicals (called the Love Cocktail). These chemicals cause you to see the person through rose-colored glasses. Everything they do is perfect and you are sure that you were made for eachother. If only you would have found her first...... The problem is that when infatuation strikes, you begin to find fault in the person you have at home, the mother of your children. Even though you can love more than one person at a time, you can only be infatuated with one person. The infatuation stage can last up to 2 years.

Now comes the difficult part. You need to decide who you want to be with. If it is your wife and family, you need to cut all ties with this other woman. No matter how painful it is. If you don't, this will never end until it is found out and your wife will be extremely hurt. If you choose the other woman, then leave your wife. She deserves someone that will love her AND be faithful to her.

Answer 8

Well, if you're both clear on the fact that your partners will always come first, you are clear that neither will ever do anything to interfere with the other's family or relationship, even if things don't work out, then you may be able to continue what you're doing for a while. Now, you can't guarantee one of you won't start to want more out the relationship, and talk about leaving your spouses for each other. If you were happy until you kissed this woman, why did your happiness change? Are you just comparing her to your wife and getting new feelings from her? Or were you fooling yourself into thinking you were happy and have finally met someone who truly makes you happy? You don't want your child to be caught in the middle of this, and, unfortunately, if your wife finds out and leaves you, you may lose your daughter too. I know it feels great to have someone new, to experience those feelings, and the great sex, to feel like you're really in love again. Here's my suggestion: write a list. Two lists for each woman in your life. The pros and cons of being with each, including if you ever got caught, or if you never got caught. Weigh the pros and cons. Hopefully this helps. If it turns out that you both truly believe you can do this without spouses ever finding out, and you're happy leaving it as a long-term affair, then go for it. If the pros of your wife signigicantly outweigh those of your lover, it's probably in your best interest to choose your wife and leave your lover. If this happens, it will feel terrible, like you're losing someone, but after a while it may cause you to look at your wife differently, as a woman, as someone new because now you're someone new, too. You'll be the man who chose her over someone else, even though she'll never know it.

Answer 9

ive took time to read all your notes so i can hear what you have to say for yourself.

i think you do love your wife dearly. i also think that maybe your depression was part of the reason you strayed. maybe because this woman was more understanding and listened to all you had to say. thats why you found the attraction.

im glad you have called it a day and it has to stop like that now or your marriage will be forced to split. this way she wont have to know and it wont hurt her.

i know you shouldnt keep secrets but from what you did was totally different from a fling. sex is just sex and women get over that. but when a man is passionately kissing another woman due to confiding in eachother- it hurts more as you do have feelings for this other woman and its hard to get rid.

please dont let this other woman get in the way of your family. if you do carry on its not just your family you hurt, she also is married.

if you think it's too much and cant find yourself to stay away from her i do advice you to look for a transfer or another job.

you have too much to loose and your wife has always supported you. you have built your lifes together and that means so much more than anything.

good luck with things but i do warn you, if it starts up again you have a chance of loosing everything you and your family ever had

Answer 10

End it now, please. How do you think your wife will feel when she finds out. Women always know when something is going on, sometimes we just choose to ignore the gut feelings we have. You might have strong feeling for the other woman, but is it really worth hurting the person you love the most for some sex? If you are not willing to stop seeing the other woman then be honest about it with your wife, put yourself in her shoes, how would you feel if your wife was doing this to you? Sure the excitment of someone new is what keeps this going but after a while the excitment will wear off, then what are you going to do? Only you know what is best for you, but think about the other people who are involved in this also.

Answer 11

I understand you are going through a lot of emotions right now. But be sure these feelings for this other women are true and not just because you've been with the same woman for many years and even though things are good, its no longer new and exciting. I am a firm believer that marriage is for life. What you have done will be forgiven by God, but you can't keep going behind your wife and child's' back. They need you, and your child looks to you as a role model. If I was in your position, I would resist temptation and move on to be the person that your child needs you to be, and the man your wife took vows for. Can you imagine if someone close to you read this and knew it was you? Make a decision today and stop torturing yourself. Your wife will go through hell if she discovers it herself before you come clean. Good Luck