Newlywed on the brink of divorce?

Question

My husband and I were just married this past year and already I'm finding out more and more about him that I'm really not happy with. I've caught him in many lies (none invlolving infidelities) and now have discovered a financial mess he's been hiding from me. I feel like I can't turn back now because we've made this commitment, but I'm stuck. I could really use some good advise on either how to get him to see the light on these matters or if I should just leave him.

I just want to clarify, I do love my husband VERY much. We've been dating for 5 years now and friends for 7. I'm not bailing on my marriage over a simple matter. This has happened several times and I've sat down and discussed this with him many times, as well. I believed him when he said he would change, and I just discovered another set of lies with money. I've supported him through many other financial situations and have watched my personal savings dwindle. And I certainly did not marry him for his wallet, as mine was bigger. Believe me, I do not want to be another statistic of marriage in America, but I also don't want to ruin my own life.

Answer 1

How long did you know the guy before you married him?? What light are you getting him to see, that he should be honest?? Yeah, ok. What good is a heart to heart talk if you're getting dishonest answers?

You first need to check your husband's committment and level of trust with you. Maybe he feels as if you'll be overly critical or judgmental towards him. If that's the case, that would be a pretty good reason for his dishonesty. I mean, a wife is suppose to have her husband's back unless illegality is involved- even then, you have a whole lot of ride-or-die type women who will back her man even when he's wrong.

The committment to your husband DOES NOT stand if he was pretending to be someone he's not. When you got married, you got married to a guy YOU THOUGHT existed. Once you find out that the guy who sleeps next to you is not that guy, you have no obligation to him. You got married under false pretenses.

I don't think an anullment would apply here. You've been married too long. However, it the law may vary by state. In most states, 6 months is the cut off limit.

I guess it matters how you found out. Did he tell you? Or were you digging thru his things and found something? Did someone else tell you? If you have a lying and deceitful husband, again, asking him outright won't make a difference. He's proven that he can and will lie. If you're not ready to walk away and you want to give him a chance, don't say anything.. just keep your eyes open. Provided that you're watching with your brain and not your heart, he will reveal himself to have changed or still be the same. As far as financial matters, those never end. You can be single and still have financial issues. I'm unsure why people all of a sudden have problems with finances just because they get married, if they didn't have problems beforehand. Do you have a job? If so, he can only do so much to interrupt your money flow. Your money is your money until its used for household purposes. If you don't have a job and is making no money, you really can't complain about what he's doing with his money.

Answer 2

Marriage is a beautiful thing. It comes with it's highs, and it also comes with it's lows; it comes with it's stormy days and it comes with it's peaceful days. Friend, I encourage you to be very strong and courageous. If you really love your spouse, I encourage you to stick with him through thick and thin. Marriage is a journey of discovery - you discover the good, you discover the bad and at times, you may even discover the ugly.

However, the essence of the marital union is for the two of you to positively affect each other's lives. Now, that you have discovered some of the flaws of your spouse, you must take it as a challenge to weed-out that trash from his life. To do so, you need to engage him in a heart-to-heart dialogue to resolve the issue. Your goal must be to make him a better person and his goal must be to also make you a better person. Bolting out of the marriage is not the solution. The solution lies within you and your spouse.

Finally, I encourage you to be strong and always have a positive mindset that your marriage will work. Don't get tired of him, it's only been just a year. Remember the vows that you took - it was love that brought the two of you together. Love will heal your marital union if and only if you can give Love a chance. I wish you all the best in your marriage. May you find peace and perfect healing in your situation.

(NB. I am a newly wed likewise and I really love my wife and will always love her through thick and thin.)

Answer 3

Wow... I am going through the same exact thing as you! Been married 11 months and so far it has been very very very very rocky! Finances is our major problem! We have been to counseling, but to be honest has not helped much.... I've thought about giving up many times, but haven't. I (I'm sure like you) have been thinking we can "work" it out and have been and we are barely making it. I am not sure how much more I can take. I do not want to be living like this the rest of my life..... All I can say to you is do what I'm doing. Keep on working at it, tell him exactly how you feel, and hope for the best. Counseling might or might not work, but it is worth a try! Give marriage a bit more time and see how it goes. If it gets better, than great, but if not do everything you can so you can honestly say to yourself I tried my hardest and gave it my all!!! That's what I am doing right now!
Best of luck to you!
I know exactly how you feel!
Stuart

Answer 4

There were things about him that lead you to marry him, concentrate on those while dealing with all the rest. First, find a good marriage counseling, second, find a good debt counselling company. Tackle each problem in a deliberate way together and you two should come out stronger than ever. Tell your husband you two need to talk, put the kettle on for some hot tea, sit down at the kitchen table (no interruptions, no cell phones, no tv, NOTHING). Get out a piece of paper and list all the issues you two have come across lately that are bothering you and TOGETHER make a plan for dealing with it. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

I would think it would be a rash decision to leave at this point. Not knowing EXACTLY what your dealing with makes it difficult to answer. But financial messes are not rocket science. Just get yourself on a proper budget and work out the mess. If he is spending too much he has to slow that down. Sit down together and chart the right course. Even seek the help of a financial planner. Its not uncommon for there to be first year issues when two people get together in marriage. Be patient and work through it.

Answer 6

My husband has horrible credit, I have good credit. They say one of the reasons couples do divorce is money, and I can easily see how that happens. Keep in mind that if you stay with him practically every financial aspect will be harder. We ended up paying more on the mortgage because of his crappy credit. He needed a new truck, and now it's in my name. There are many times I wonder what my life would be like if I married someone who was responsible with a buck. I'm sure I'd worry a lot less.

Answer 7

Was this financial mess acquired prior to you getting married or after your marriage.....if after your marriage, then you too could be stuck with paying your share of whatever your name is on....I would suggest that the 2 of you head to a marriage counselor ASAP .....the counselor may know of someone who can help the 2 of you or just him, get his finances back in order....you will have to tell him that your marriage depends on the 2 of you getting help and getting it now, and for the lies to stop.....If you do decide to leave and divorce him, I do hope that your name is not on any of those bills. So for right now.....do not buy any big ticket items that require any type of loan.....do not co-sign anything for him.....make certain that your name is not mixed up in the mess he is in.....but he is going ot have to stop lying about this......you desperately need some type of financial counselor to help you get this fixed.

Answer 8

Are you religious? Go talk to your priest or pastor, or go find a priest or pastor, talk to him/her, and then schedule a time for counseling with you and your Husband. Don't give up, financial problems are an addiction, and he needs your support now more then ever. Trust the love you had for each other going into this, and find a way through together, that's what marriage is all about. For better or worse, this is one of those worse times. Good Luck to both of you.

Answer 9

Try to get through this problem if possible. You two need to work out this trouble together. You can see why he hid his problem from you--you're immediately talking about leaving him, and I'm sure that's not what he wants.

If he keeps making more messes, you need to go, but I wouldn't go down without a fight.

He is the man you chose from all others on earth to spend your life with-you can't just run off that easily--unless you;re in physical danger-then run like heck and never look back.

Answer 10

Your husband like mos men has some pride issues, he is afaid to truly become the ideal team you have spent your life envishioning and is instead sticking with the drilled in concepts of time honored marrige, he beleives he must handle the processes on a higher responcibility level and if it fails its his fault. In a way its kinda romantic, man thinks he can actually subconciosly tell himself that if it all goes wrong anyway its his fault and your never to blame!(he must really love you deep down.) It is going to take you taking more control in a warm receptive type lead and both of you discussing your god damn finances!!(what is it with people not knowing about something they use every day their entire lives?)(pardon) communicate your knowledge togeather and make it work.

It may take distance to measure time.