Trouble with future in laws?

Question

Does anyone have any stories, experience, or non aggresive solutions to dealing with a future in law who ignores me and then causes trouble with my fiance only to turn it around and blame us for the argument? No one in their family seems to notice- or perhaps they just let it happen. We are always yelled at but nothing is said to the troublemaker.Sometimes I'm convinced they help feed the flames because they have nothing better to do with their lives. Has this happened to you, and what do you do?

I appreciate your thoughts, but I should have added that:
1. I'm am mature about this and when we talk, they yell and bring up things that happened years ago, which is not condusive to problem solving it creates more confusion.
2. We already have a child together, and I hate that he has to grow up and see these people this way.
3. I love my Fiance and I'm not going anywhere
4. My Fiance hates it more than I do, and he totally backs me up.
5. When I go to there functions, they ignore me, but if I'm absent from one, they lose it. But they don't rsvp to my family's invites, but then sometimes show up and invite other people to go with them.
I welcome all of your comments, and thank you for taking the time to help me.

Answer 1

I actually had this issue with my parents and my husband's parents. Our parents seem to be quite immature, jealous, unforgiving, and well, strange.

It's not fun. The only way I have learned to deal with it is to set up personal boundaries. Not to visit as often, not to let them be as much a part of our lives, and to also set up emotional boundaries, not allowing what they say/think/or do affect me or my husband's heart and feelings.

It's not always easy. They always bring up the past. They don't forgive. They never admit they are right. And they have ignored us for months, and told the entire family lies and that WE were ignoring them.

We just realize that it doesn't matter what people think of us. We've tried to "talk out" the situation, even offered going to family counseling. Nothing works. Some people never change and all you can do is change the way you are toward them.

Just remember that above all, even with boundaries, you should love them. The only thing that will ever overcome evil is love.

Answer 2

For the time being....just sit back.....your fiance needs to put his have a talk with his family and lay all the cards on the table. he needs to tell his family that enough is enough, and all the yelling and ignoring stops now.....he needs to say to them that you are is future wife and the mother you his child, and that he will no longer allow you to be treated this way, and if it happens at the next gathering, then there will be no need to invite the 3 of you again because none of you will show up until apologizes are made, and there is a guarantee is made that there will be no more yelling and treating the mother of his child in the manner in which they do. Your child does not need to see you being treated this way anyway.....and why hasn't your BF stood up to them b4 now.....like I said if it does not work and they do it again.....leave and don't go back until they grow up and come you both of you with an apology and a promise.

Answer 3

My mother-in-law says hurtful things to me when my husband isn't around and then acts sweet when he is, but he knows her, and knows that's what kind of person she is. He refuses to say anything to her to stop it, partly because he knows it won't do any good, and partly because that's the way they've always handled her. We've been married for 15 years, and I honestly feel that she is the only drawback to our marriage. I am just grateful that we only have to see her once a year. All you can really do is distance yourself from the troublemaker. Don't take it personally- I know that's easier said than done, but you have to realize that they had that personality long before you came along, and you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Turn the other cheek, and soon your new marriage will have you so distracted that the troublemaker will fade out of your lives. Good luck, and congratulations.

Answer 4

Let me tell you something and if I hurt your feelings so what. What are you doing? You haven't married this person yet you don't have to be there. Do you know what dating is? Dating is to know and find that one person who is a HEALTHY match for you. And the way it sounds it's not going to get better. And also let me ask you this why are you around those people anyway? Are you force to be there or go see them? Do you just go because it's his family and you have know choose? Bull on that! Am not going to be nice to you, am going to tell you the way it is, You need to walk, if somehow you won't leave your boyfriend, even though he is a wipe when it comes to his family, his still and acts like there little boy. If you think when you becomes his wife then he will become a man? Nope, it's not going to happen. And if these people have nothing better to do with their lives, do you? Why would you even waste your time to go around such people who cause trouble. Do you like it because you don't have to be around these people. You need to stop now and stop thinking you can change these people and stop trying to get any of his family members to notice anything. That's a waste of time. What do you do, do you work? Don't you have other things to do or be at instead of around them. And if you think these people are going to change after you marry this man is going to get worse.That's why now you need to stay away from these people all together, cut it off now. Invite them to the wedding they do have the right to go to their sons, brother, cousins wedding and that's all. No where in your vows that your going to take says you will be commenting to his family, you better hope this wipe I mean man your going to marry he knows that as well. Go look up Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger. She has some really good books you might want to read. Like ten stupid things women do to mess up their lives. Easy to read in right to the point.P.S If your man hates it just as much as you do then why do you two waste your time around them. And if he feels he needs to see them once in awhile because it is his family then you and the baby don't have to go. You act like you have to see these people. Maybe it's not these people so much. You allowed his family get a way with it for so long and there probably thinking why you keep coming over. You have the control of that. But you choose to still go.

Answer 5

Go to pre-marital counseling and deal with this issue before getting married or it will destroy your marriage in the future.

The people in their family are so used to these screw-ups that they probably don't even see it as abnormal. Also, they may be enabling one of your in-laws out of pity.

Seriously consider your future husband's relationship with his own mother. If it isn't a good one, he might not know how to have a healthy relationship with a woman. Trust me, this is not an easy thing to teach past the age of 20.

Also, ignore the people who say "be mature" and "just ignore it". These family problems are major red flags for what life is going to be like when you are married. I mean, think about it, your in-laws are going to be at their nicest during your pre-wedding period. Once you are officially family, all civility will probably go out the window.

Answer 6

I have had things like this happen my mother in law is a religous women and I am not she forces her thoughts and how to handle things on me and I just stair right through her she has gotten the point the same gos for the father in law. I am a good natured person I love to joke and fun but when it comes to raising my kids I need no advice for if feel my folks done a good job of teaching me growing up. If she persists at this pull her aside and tell her her comments are not welcome and she keeps it up she is gonna be unwelcome at your home and avoid her all together. just by cutting out of your life will give the clue she may need and if not look at the peace you are getting.

Answer 7

aaaaaaaaah so you have narcissistic people and enablers in your future family. there is only one solution. no one in the family will ever stick up for you or say boo to the problem causers. you and your fiance need to decide to stick together no matter what. it will only get worst. right now they are acting the best they can...once you become family then they will definitely be worst. it's sad to say you don't just marry your fiance, you marry their family too. my recommendation would be for the two of you to move at least 30 minutes away so you can limit your interaction.

Answer 8

Your fiance backs you up then you are ahead of the game. I would let him handle his family and you yours. Also keep your distance, be nice, and make a life for you and your new hubby. The best way to get people like this is be happy and keep them out of your marriage.

Answer 9

I had the very same problem with my husband’s relatives we moved over 300 miles away. We have now been married for 26 years, and we are so very, very, happy! Some relatives can be poison to a marriage, and that is the time to move far, far away.

Answer 10

If your fiance truly cares about you and is committed to your relationship, it is up to him to put his family on notice that they are not to cause trouble. He must have a backbone and defend you, or ignore them. If he is a wimp and won't help you out, you are in for a long-term problem