To tell or not to tell?

Question

I just found out that someone close to me has been cheating on his wife. They have been married for over 20 years - have 4 kids together, the youngest only 10. The wife is a housewife, stays home and takes care of the kids. She doesn't work and doesn't have the necessary experience or credentials to get a job besides waitressing or cashier work. She also has high blood pressure and other health issues. Should I confront the cheater? Should I tell her that her husband has been cheating? Do I leave things be and let them go on as is? He has been a good dad to the kids even though he's cheating and he's still supporting the entire family. She is completely ignorant of the situation and just thinks that he has to travel a lot for work. If I was in her shoes, I would want to know, but given her health, I'm not sure how well her body can handle the shock. I am also hesitant about confronting him because I am afraid of his reaction. What should I do?

For everyone's information, I do have proof - it's not conjecture. Also, I am also very close to the wife in question.

Answer 1

Having been married then cheated on and a had friends who was married then cheated on I have to tell you STAY OUT OF IT. They have been together for 20 years that's a comfortable relationship. You will lose a friends because even though she will be mad at her husband, want to leave him but will stay with him because of the kids, her health, and no finical support. She will also be ashamed when she does then knowing that you know what has happen and she did nothing about she will separate herself from you. Let her find out, she will and the long run and they will try to work it out then you will step in to be her friend hold her when she is crying, be there if she wants to leave him, and there to support her when she does. By telling her as a friend you will make her feel like she has to take action and that will bring conflict. Don't confront the husband either because even though you are her friend that's her husband. Let her find out another way.


P.S Just because you think she is ignorant to the situation doesn't mean she don't have a feeling its going on. She just might chose to be ignorant to it.

Answer 2

This sux, look at one time I thought my dad was cheating on my mom, and whether you're sure or not, what seemed to work at the time was I simply told him that from all appearances it looked that way...
He appeared baffled, so I just said that if he was doing it that I probably would not tell mom, but that if he was doing it then what he was doing was wrong and it would break my heart to see what came of it should mom find out, and that about got the message across, things appear straight now.
I mean, I don't know if he did or if he's doing it now, but at least it looked like it and now it does not.
Perhaps this approach would work best in your case as well, all you're doing is informing that person without accusing and without threat, of first the appearance of things and also the consequences and the fact it is wrong, now it may not fix it but it's a start and it should help.
Because the thing is, the more ppl say something to him, the more it's likely to get the message across... We all make mistakes and some are a big'n but sooner or later most ppl stop in their tracks, look back, and then hopefully change happens.

Answer 3

This is a difficult situation.

I think you just have to go by your conscience, and by how well you know the couple. Are you close to the husband but barely know the wife? If so, it might be difficult to breach the subject with her.

Do you have solid evidence or a reliable source that says the husband is cheating? What I'm getting at is you don't want to tell the wife based on mere conjecture or bad motives on someone's part.

If you know for sure that the husband is cheating, and you are on speaking terms with the wife, I think you should seriously consider telling. It's going to be a tough decision for you to make. But, think how you would feel if it was happening to you, and do what you would want someone to do for you. Good luck.

Answer 4

She probably does know and her faux not knowing is a fragile web that will be totally shattered if you stick your self into this picture. A man does not suddenly become a cheat he has been dishonest for some time. She has found a way to live with it as a trade off for her lifestyle. It might not be something you would do but that is not up to you. Interferance in someone else's marriage is never ever ever acceptable. You have no idea what personal agreement they have between them it would be just lovely if you redirected your energies and not only did not tell her but did not find a need to tell all your mutual friends.

Answer 5

please don't tell her. i can tell you from experience that it is generally the messenger that gets killed!
if you tell her and by some miracle they work thru it and stay together you will be in his bad books for sure. eventually he will force you out of your relationship with his wife.
about all you can do is stand by and watch. when and if it comes to light be there to support her and listen to her. don't offer advice. in this type of situation it generally comes back and bites you in the bum!
sadly she needs the s.o.b. and you know something? she may already know, deep in her heart she may know, or at least have her suspicions. and if she does she doesn't want to admit it, and your bringing it up would put her into a position where she would have to face up to the truth and deal with the issue. if you tell her sooner or later she will resent you for breaking her heart.
i wouldn't approach him either. he won't change, he knows he is doing wrong, and he doesn't care.
what would happen is he'd be afraid you'd say something to her so he will figure out how to stop his wife from being friends with you. you know what they say: the best defence is a good offence. he would go on the attack about you to her.
sorry. i know you mean well but i really think you should leave it alone.

Answer 6

I am having this same problem with a friend who cheated on her boyfriend for the first 2 months of the relationship and now she's sitting up telling her man's uncle a bunch of lies saying I was spreading rumors when in fact the last set of friends this girl had dropped her since they got fed up with the drama queen nonsense. I would tread this carefully since women are likely to believe a man over you or anyone else.

I would also be careful that getting involved can cause conflict and you don't want to lose a friend either. I am standing my ground with my friend since she knows she's wrong for cheating and doesnt want to assume responsibility for it so she's basically telling a bunch of lies to people making me out to be the idiot. Keep your facts straight and when you do confront this person don't let them change anything on you because people who know they're wrong will face the music and not try to make that person out to be a fool or an idiot saying you're spreading rumors and lies.

I had to recently tell my friend's boyfriend's uncle to stay out of the situation since he believes I did something when in fact he has no idea that what his nephew's girlfriend did is actually true since she divulged details of their sexual escapades and acted like she had no remorse or shame and then turns around and says (name withheld) is a good guy and isnt going anywhere. People who love who they're with wont' cheat PERIOD. I would also sit your friend down and explain to her that what you're going to say isnt in any means to hurt her, but you want her to know the truth.

Tell her what you know and let her know you'll be there for her through whatever choices she makes and be a shoulder for her to cry on or that ear if she needs to talk. Maybe even help her with getting herself together so she can be a productive person in the work force. Sounds like she's got a dog for a husband who has no respect for her or the 20+ years invested into a marriage.

Answer 7

STAY OUT OF IT.This is none of your concern.
You will end up caught in the middle and looking like a fool in the long run.
How do you know that your information is right?I would never take that chance unless I saw it for myself and even then I would not tell.
His wife will find out eventually for herself and then you can be there for her without going into details about you already knowing.
Too many times people get involved in these situations and live to regret it.
What if they end up working things out and you've interfeared?You'll be on the outside looking in and their lives will go on.
If you are truly a close friend,you will stay out.Keep your friendship with both of them and let it go at that.

Answer 8

a woman's tutition never leads her wrong....although I would think that I would like to know from a friend...inside I wouldn't...but I would. I once left a note for a friend of mine in someone else's handwriting....she told me about the note and said that she had an Inkling that something was amist but just couldn't put her finger on it. she eventually told him she knew he was and she'd received a letter stating so and told him it's either the other woman or her...choose now and let the other go. He chose home and chilled for a while...then started back....needless to say their still married. The choice is yours...but know what your talking about before you bring it up to the wife. If you choose not to tell....then always have your game face on when she cries stating that she wish someone would have told her early on before so much time had passed. I guess your in what I've heard be called.... "a catch 22" :)

Answer 9

I would talk to the husband. Especially if you are friends with both of them. I wouldn't go to her and tell her first because of her health. I would go to him and maybe just the thought of you knowing will scare him into straightening up?!?! I hate to see her get hurt and you really never know a person's situation until you've "walked a mile in their shoes" so to speak. My advice is either talk to the hubby or stay out of it.

Answer 10

Here is what you do. You tell the loser husband that you know what he's up to and you are giving him 24 hours to inform his wife, because in 24 hours time, YOU are going to tell her yourself. Whether he tells her or not, go ahead and make sure you let her know. If she chooses to stay, then poor her. If she divorces him, offer your insight and help and knowledge so she can get a huge settlement out of this loser. The truth always sets a person free. Who knows, maybe her health would dramatically improve if this man was gone!