Do you ever feel like you and your spouse....?

Question

...are not speaking the same language? I telll my husband one thing and he hears something entirely different!! It's very frustrating! As a result, our simple disagreements never go anywhere and end up becoming full-on blow-outs! How do you deal with this?

I, actually, feel like the man sometimes! Just tell me what is on your mind and let's move forward. He tends to be the one who overthinks and talks me into frutrating circles. I love him, but we do have our communications issues!

Answer 1

It IS frustrating. And very hard to say, without anger, something like "Did you think I really meant...?" But try. Approach it as an interesting exercise rather than an argument, at a time when you are not angry at each other about anything. Keep calm and level-headed and try to narrow down some of the places where your understanding and his understanding of the same words end up different.

Answer 2

I feel your pain. It's frustrating, but my husband and I have done a lot better since I try to learn his language, and he works on mine, which requires a lot of discussion. It is irritating for both at times.

Here's a sample:
(We're getting ready to go out:)

Me: "How do I look?"
Him: "You look good to me."

I think he means that to say, "You look great - let's go!"
What I hear: "Your appearance is acceptable to me because I'm your husband, but any other person might or might not think so."

So I tell him what I hear when he says that, and ask if that is actually what he meant. He says no, he meant to compliment me. "Ah, what you were shooting for was along the lines of 'You look great, honey'?" He confirms, and he doesn't use that phrase again. Sometimes you can diffuse the situation with a little joke showing what you were hearing from his comment (NOT sarcastic). The main thing is that you both are learning what things mean to each other-like any foreign language, you have to have a translation or you'll never understand each other.

If it's going right to blow-up as soon as you say something, before you say anything, stop, think and try to translate to Man-speak first. This means try using the same phrases he uses when he talks to you, but tweak it to say what you need to say. You will need to listen to everything he says for a while and see how he does it- what words he uses, and how.
If you guys are getting angry immediately, the phrasing might be the problem.

And watch for how you say things,and especially your tone- I've had to learn that I cop a nasty tone without meaning to or being able to hear it, but if I try to be too nice (and not have a tone) I can sound like I'm talking down to him. Unfortunately, you won't know this unless he wants to tell you, and he has to be fairly comfortable with you first.

When he blows up, don't get emotional, stay very calm and friendly, like you're having a great time, and tell him, "Hey- it's ok. I wasn't trying to attack you/piss you off- did I say something? Talk to me."

The more imflammatory, hostile or snide he is, be that much nicer. It's really hard to be angry when someone is really trying to play nice with you.

And apologize. Whether you did anything or not doesn't matter- if he feels like you're laying into him, you can tell. If he's just being freaky-hypersensitive about something, an apology diffuses it.
Oddly enough, he'll probably start apologizing too. I have no idea why men do that, but whatever. For the same reason that they say something awful to you, and then want a hug. They're a bit retarded in this department.

If you are asking them to do something, you have to be pleasant but very specific sometimes. Don't assume they will do something of their own accord.

Wrong: Could you please do the dishes?
(= you are asking him to do something with the dishes at some point between now and next week or later)

Right: Babe, would you put the dishes in the dishwasher while I finish dinner?
(= you would like him to put the dishes in the dishwasher immediately, and you appreciate that he is helping)

They seem to be very specific, with very little abstract spacial visualization at times. And to be fair, they don't always know what you want exactly.

Be careful of anything that is character-indicting--never say "You always" or "You never"--very bad stuff. That's a personal attack.

Summary:
When in doubt:

1. Be nice/kind/polite
2. Tone
3. Be very specific
4. Non-confrontational/adversarial attitude
5. Stay calm even if he's not
6. For small issues, be casual. For big issues, use extreme caution and be gentle- do not set up a big exposition- it just freaks them out.

Good luck. I'm no expert but things have gotten much better for us doing it this way-hope it helps.

Answer 3

What is the name of that book,,Women are from mars Men from Saturn ? OK, I know that is not the real name, just sounds better. Us guys think differently than women, my wife & I suffer from the same thing, remember tiredness, hormones, family affect our reactions. I once read that "A soft answer turns away wrath". Someone has to have the "soft answer", a lot of times it might have to be you. Be careful about when you have dissagreements. As soon as your husband gets home is not a good time or when you are PMS-ing. Always remember that kindness goes a long way

Answer 4

I feel the same way all the time. What's most frustrating is that HE thinks he's told me something, but what he said was totally different than what he thinks he said. We've started seeing a counselor so that we can learn to speak the same language, or at least know the other person heard what we meant to say.

Answer 5

Of course. Men see the world through blue, women see the world through pink. Your wires get crossed because you're wired differently! Try having him repeat things to you. Such as, "what I think you are trying to say is..." and the same with you. That line alone can really reduce miscommunication in an argument. And try to eliminate words such as "always" or "never" the truth is that he isn't "always" a jerk, that's just how you feel in that moment. And for heaven's sake, fight fair. Nothing comes of calling your husband a loser of a husband or bringing up history that's already dealt with.

Good luck! Cracking the code to what your husband is feeling is tough work but it's totally rewarding. Just stick with it.

Answer 6

Yes, I feel like that sometimes. Usually I place deeper meaning on things than he does. You should read Deborah Tannen... she talks about communication differences in men and women. For example, men talk to trade information. I.e., "hey man, your car has a flat tire." and that's all there is to it. Whereas women communicate to build bonds and understand one another. I.e., "Why do you let Freddy treat you that way?" If that makes any sense... My husband often tells me: "You've told me this THREE TIMES. Why do you keep telling me?" And I'm like--- because I want to "talk" about it!!! Discuss it! Analyze it! And he doesn't "get" it because he thought I was just passing along some information.

Answer 7

Yes, but that's easily overcome. With time, after being married a while, you come to learn about each other, those quirky male and female differences, and then things go much more smoothly on the communication front.
Usually, there is maturity and compromise involved, so perhaps you need to not be combative with him. One gets more flies with honey,.....

Answer 8

Read Men are From Mars, Women Are From Venus for an in depth discussion of this very issue.

Answer 9

Well you should take a break during the day and just spend time together sorting out your problems issues or just telling each other what you want in your relationship if that does'nt work go for councelling or someting

Answer 10

When you respond, repeat back to him what you think he is saying. Ask him to do the same... hopefully the language barrier will come down.
Takes practice and LOTS of patience.
On the little things- maybe agreeing to disagree is the way to go.