Against the advice of friends, family and myself, my sister married a "former homosexual". He said he was saved and transformed by an ex-gay ministry. None of us really bought it but she was very much in love with him and compared to former boyfriends, who were abusive he seemed much more sensitive and giving, despite being just a tad effeminate.
Two years into the marriage, the sex diminishes. I keep quiet when she complains to me. Then this year, he cheated on her with a man. He said it was a "slip up" and has gone back into the ex-gay programme to deal with it. I am trying my best not to tell my sister, "I told you so." because she is really devastated. I also do not want to offend her religious belief but she wants to take him back and I CANNOT watch her get hurt AGAIN! She is my baby sister and now children are involved!
I know these programmes do not change people straight. Where can I get some well researched information on this from an expert she would respect?
2007-03-27 06:47:01 · 15 answers · asked by pixie_pagan 4 in Society & Culture ➔ Cultures & Groups ➔ Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender
How about finding information from the "American Psychological Association?"
They have issued statements warning against these groups as they keep no records of any kind of 'sucesses,' employ no accredited or certified psycho-therapists, psychologists or psychiatrists. These groups are purely based on faith alone and cannot "cure" something that is not a recognized disease or disorder.
The ONLY thing these groups are good for is driving people to self-loathing and sometimes suicide!
2007-03-27 06:53:13 · answer #1 · answered by DEATH 7 · 7⤊ 3⤋
Oh, this is really sad. I think you need to have a heart to heart with your sister first and foremost. I remember watching an episode on Oprah where married gay men cheated on their wives, and when the latter found out, their marriage went kaput. She is feeling that way because somewhere she may be insecure about having to settle down again in life. That can be quite painful, and if there are children, it gets even more demanding on the woman. That guy has been very selfish so to say. Maybe you need to enlist the help of local gay organisations who will talk to your sister, explain to her clearly why it is not possible for one to change his sexual orientation, and why she'd be unhappy in the long run.
2007-03-27 13:58:08 · answer #2 · answered by Gaymes Last Orchestra 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I am sorry for what your sister is having to deal with in her marriage. You can't save her from getting hurt though - because given the events you have described she is already hurting.
While I know this is not going to be a popular statement I would ask that you show as much compassion to her husband as you can. This is a time when he could use a good friend also. As for your sister....have a talk with her. A quiet discussion about ht future and how she sees things working out...be a sounding borad for her to work out what she wants to do at this point.
In all honestly your brother-in-law had good intentions, I don't think he was malicious, just human.
This just goes to prove a leopard cannot change his spots.
2007-03-27 14:08:39 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Wow your sister is in a pretty tough situation. I'm so sorry, that is why I hate these ex-gays, they don't do anything but hurt people. Anyways, I think that maybe a good approach to this problem would be to make your sister realize that he cheated, if it was a man or a woman is irrelevant, he cheated and he can't be trusted. Maybe if you don't touch the gay issue at all, you are going to be able to get your sister to listen to you, concentrate in the fact that he broke their trust and that is something not easy to forget. Just remember that your sister is an adult, and there is just so much that you can do for her, in the end she is responsible of her own life. Best of lucks.
2007-03-27 13:56:09 · answer #4 · answered by rickyhunter 4 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I understand he is an ex-gay. However you can never be a "ex-gay". If you are gay your gay. I am gay. It is not something I could quit. I could choose to live a straight life but I would be very unhappy. Putting all that aside. I think your sister needs some serious help. There is a problem that she thinks this is ok. IT IS NOT OK LADIES!!!! Don't fall in love with your gay friends. They will not change and you will get hurt. Women tend to fall for their gay friends and think they can make a life with them. That is why they get hurt. Talk her and encourage her to talk to a professional about this. Plus it will take a lot of stress off of you. Good luck!
2007-03-27 14:11:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
First of all get your brother in law out of the program. It's not only going to hurt him but your sister as well. They use abusive psychology that is going to make him feel suicidal than they are going to blame your sister for "not doing her job as his wife". I went through e-gay its all about making you feel like failure. It can be really bad. Secondly, why can't they just go to a marriage counselor? Gay/straight people get married all the time to have families. It has nothing to do with your sexuality as much as it has to do with the want to have children. If your sister doesn't want that kind of marriage it is best to let him go. He's gay there is no changing that and as long as they think they can its only going to cause her more pain. He's never going to feel for her the way she feels for him and to hold on to someone that doesn't share those feelings is only going to cause them both pain. It's best to accept it and move on if not she is the one going to be at the counselors instead of him. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but that the way it is. Letting go is sometimes the best.
2007-03-27 14:18:23 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
Forget finding an expert. If you're gay then you're GAY. You're gonna have to be straight up with your sis. Hey, talk to her husband too. Both of these people are suffering because they're living lives that are just false. Tell her to find a good straight man and for him to just give it up and accept his homosexuality. It's sounding like a huge waste of time. They can be great friends - maybe not husband and wife, however.
2007-03-27 14:02:22 · answer #7 · answered by Charles 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I'm afraid until she is ready to accept the fact that the marriage and her husband are duds, no amount of common sense or clinical information is going to sway her. I believe she needs help from a competent therapist who can help her discover why she is holding onto a dream that never was and can never really be.
You can't save your sister from herself, but you can try to be a stable presence in the lives of her children.
The whole situation sounds very messy. I hope all turns out as it should.
2007-03-27 14:55:20 · answer #8 · answered by castle h 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Really, there is nothing you can do to prove anything to your sister. She should have accepted the proof when she found out he cheated on her with a man! That should have been the proof right there. But since it was not enough for her.....what more can u do? The ball is really in her husbands court. It's HIM who needs to be made educated that these so-called de-gayifiying camps & religious retreats are a bunch of crap. And once he can be honest with himself and about his own sexuality....then he will be able to be honest with his wife.
2007-03-27 13:57:23 · answer #9 · answered by Raynebow_Diva 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
There really is no program or type of counseling which will change his preference. It is what it is and needs to be accepted. From all the editorials and profiles done on TV, it has become apparent that this happens often and it is truely what makes one happy...to be who he/she feels more like.
Sister should attempt to move on, not to change her husband, but to change herself and try to make a new life better fitted to her lifestyle. Also a little respect and caring would help her husband. He cannot help what he feels.
2007-03-27 15:15:56 · answer #10 · answered by just me 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋