how do you deal with having an abusive past?

Question

i want to love again , but i am having a hard time hanging around male family members. i want to break that barrier. i want to get married , but it is hard. i have flash backs and every thing. people say that it was my fault and i have to live with this guilt.

Answer 1

Joyce Meyer was severely abused by her father as she was growing up. God has healed her and she goes all over the world telling how the love of God helped her to overcome. She is happily married and I really think her books and tape could help you get started on recovery, healing and developing healthy relationships.

www.joycemeyer.org

Call her office and ask for Joyce Meyer's testimony. I believe they have it on tape or cd. Start with this and then get her books to read. Some libraries have them if you can not afford them.

Here are some of her books that I have read that have helped me.
Beauty for Ashes
Enjoying Where You Are On The Way To Where You Are Going
Healing The Brokenhearted
Battlefield Of The Mind
Life Without Strife
Look Good Feel Great
Love Talk
Me And My Big Mouth!
A Leader In The Making

Answer 2

If you are the victim,many of these people are right.Get counselling. It helped me to understand many things,and while I still have a bit of a hard time being around men, it is not even half as hard as it used to be.I am now happily married. He knows about my abusive past and has no problem with it. In fact,he understands when the nightmares or sudden fear will strike around certain men. I also understand the people around you blaming you. They are probably telling you things like well,you could have just walked out, or it was your fault for sticking around.You deserved whatever you got. Anyone who has not been a victim of this does not understand the fear,the trust in the abusers,hoping it will get better.You arenot guilty of anything. Strangely enough,we all feel that. the victims, I mean.It is also absolutely normal to feel weird around even male family members, but all this can be helped by "abuse counselling". They do not embarrass you,accuse you, or judge you in any way. It will help give you the tools you need to live a "normal" life again. Please try it. Just look in the front pages of your phone book. You will find the numbers you need there. Good luck.

Answer 3

If you were abused then it was not your fault, this is especially the case if you were young at the time. If you were abused by your family member(s) then you need to report them and make sure that you protect any potential victims that they could harm in the future. That will cure the guilt that you feel, even though you are not at fault. By helping other victims you would be doing the right thing and so you would not doubt yourself. You would be making a difference.

BUT if you are the abuser then you have probably ruined someone’s life and you will have to deal with that consequence for the rest of your life. But if by some small chance you really want to make it right and actually change, then you should pay for that person(s) to get counseling and maybe go through counseling yourself.

Answer 4

Oh sweetie, I don't know exactly what your experiences have been and I am no counselor, but I got plenty of experience with such things and life. You can tell me what you want when you want, and then we can go from there. I can tell you this about guilt. It is a totally useless emotion. Here is how I deal with guilt. Ok, if I was wrong and did something clearly worng without any reasons, then I apologize and say the heck with it, that is all God asks me to do. Now, if I did something that I had a reason for, even if it turned out bad, I do not feel guilty because I had a reason. Sometimes we do thing out of ignorance and get into trouble, so you have to forgive yourself and let it go. Now, I am a Christian man, but I am a sinner like everyone, so don' think you can't talk to me. The devil wants you to feel guilt, that is how he tears you down. Take my hand and less walk together. If you can and want too, contact me at [e-mail] I am known as Papi

Answer 5

It really makes me angry when victims are told that being abused was their fault. You get victimized once by the abuse, and a second time by the accusation, making an already horrible situation even worse. It was NOT your fault!

Unfortunately, my simply telling you that is not going to turn your life around. If you have actual flashbacks, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Please see your doctor, tell her about the flashbacks and any other symptoms, and ask her if you need a referral to a counselor or a psychiatrist.

For your reference, people with PTSD experience three different kinds of symptoms. The first set of symptoms involves reliving the trauma in some way such as becoming upset when confronted with a traumatic reminder or thinking about the trauma when you are trying to do something else. The second set of symptoms involves either staying away from places or people that remind you of the trauma, isolating from other people, or feeling numb. The third set of symptoms includes things such as feeling on guard, irritable, or startling easily.

In conclusion, please seek professional help. Abuse is a very damaging thing, as bad as a severe injury. If you broke your leg, you'd go to a doctor, right? Well, the damage left by abuse can be just as bad as a broken leg.

Answer 6

First thing, you really should seek counseling, especially if you are experiencing flash backs and blaming yourself for what happened. You need to resolve this issue deep inside. Once you can accept that what happened wasn't and isn't your fault, thats when the healing can begin. Then you can begin to focus on the postive things about yourself. And when you are ready for a relationship, you will be able to bring the postive into it and leave the negative behind. It is a long process, but well worth it. Cause will make you a stronger person in the end

Answer 7

My experience (and yes, I suffered many forms of abuse for years) has been that we need to learn how to heal ourselves - and it's not as hard or as time consuming as most of us make it!

First, get the book, The Four Agreements. Read it, and practice the principles. I promise it will make a great positive difference in your life. Then - or at the same time - get the DVD, The Secret. Watch it at least three times. After the first viewing, you'll want to watch it with friends.

After this, you won't need any more advice from here, because you'll have tapped into a Source of Wisdom much greater than yourself. . .and be well on your way to a happy and prosperous life!

Blessings on you.

Answer 8

Ok first is it really your fault. Even if it is then you shouldnt have to live with it everyday. I lived with an abusive stepfather for 12 years and to this day i cant stand him or the thought of it. All you have to do is move on, and look towards the brighter side. Forget (it will be hard) about what people say to you, and how much they blame you. Find someone that isnt abusive and live a happy normal life with them and sooner or later youll be living happier and youll be glad you moved on and didnt listen to ignorant people

Answer 9

You need to realize that what happened to you wasn't your fault. You can't blame every guy because there are a few out there who like to beat on girls. Trust me, I've been dealing with abuse all my life. I've come to the understanding that I can't help what happened to me, but I can make sure it doesn't ever happen again. You have to know that you deserve to be treated better. I treat people the way I want to be treated and just because there were many who were jerks, doesn't mean I have to change who I am. Thank you and may GOD bless.

Answer 10

If you were abused - it WAS NOT your fault! My best friend was sexually abused and it took her awhile to get in a relationship because she'd always freak out when a guy touched her.

My advice would be to try writing about it and getting your feelings out in the open. You might even want to try talking to someone that can help you work past what you're feeling. And, I wouldn't be me, if I didn't say - if you believe in God - pray about it.