How can I be a stepmom without being the "evil stepmom"?

Question

I have a stepson that borderline worthless. Moved in with us afew wks ago. He is almost 15 and still needs to be reminded to brush teeth, eat, intereact, go to school, do homework, basically everything but play video games and talk on the phone.
I dont know where to begin, My husband says "I got it",
but I doubt it. Its frustrating him too. Just want him straightened
out so my 11 month old can have positive young adult at home to look up to. Am I asking for too much?

Answer 1

well first sit down with him and play his video games with him, bonding is the first step. while your playing video games with him ask what he likes to do, what movies he likes and go together and rent them. Try and make him feel that his opinion matters, that he matters. once he see's that you respect him he will start to respect you. You have to earn his respect and trust. your not his mom you have to be his friend first then you will become a motherly figure that he can count on and talk to. just make sure not to outcast him and ask his opinion on things even dinner!!

Answer 2

I am a step-mom as well so I know how hard it can be to try and be a parent to a stepchild without making the child feel like you are some overbearing witch especially if their mom or dad doesn't really worry if he doesn't do the things you thing a normal responsible child should do on their own. If I were you I would sit down with your husband and explain to him that his son should be setting an example for your baby and you should not have to remind him to complete routine tasks. Make sure your husband recognizes that there is a problem and isn't just "smiling and nodding". Then sit down with your stepson and explain to him the same thing. That he has a sibling that is going to look up to him and emulate him and you would like for him to set a good example for his sibling. Also maybe tell him that if you need to keep reminding him to do things like go to school or do his homework he will lose privileges like his TV or his video game.

Answer 3

No, this can be a difficult situation. The most important thing is to make him feel like part of the family and not separated or different because his mother is different.
Try to treat him as if he were your own, and do not be afraid to discipline him. A 15 yr old boy needs discipline and guidance. Don't worry about how you are perceived, he will respect you more for taking an active interest in his life, eventually!
You would not think twice about raising your natural son how you want to or being perceived as a mean mommy. So don't let the step thing intimidate you at all, just be a mom. Do not try to replace his mom, but you must play a parental role in his life if he is living with you.
Just be yourself and remember what it was like to be 15 and start from there!

Good Luck!

Answer 4

Really... 'borderline worthless'???? Sounds like a teenage boy to me but okay...

First off I think stepparents should be more like friends than parents. You signed up to deal with his crap but you are not a nanny hired by the family to caretake this child. Your were not chosen by his mother or himself - just dad. So you need to be friendly and adult about the situation without being walked all over.

All kids now matter how old will test the boundries in a new situation. All people no matter how old will be wary of a step parent at first especially when thrown into a full-time situation. Honestly from your question it doesn't sound to me like you want him around. How must he feel? Is he getting the same feeling from you? That may be why he doesn't want to interact.

That being said I think you have either a situation of unclear boundries (on both your parts) OR a case of depression. Either way you need to come up with a solution.

First thing I would do is talk to the child and ask him if he knows what depression is. Does he feel he has the symptoms of depression? 15 yos can answer these questions themselves. Its not that I think his behavior is unusual for a teenage boy its just that he has gone through some life changing experiences recently that could trigger this illness. Be patient - you may get the eyeroll - when you feel like 'windmilling' him (thats what my boys call when I do the repeated slapping thing to them) just remember your parents wished this on you. Try some humor when dealing with him too.

Okay if you, hubby, the boy and his doctor have determined that depression is not a factor then breath easy. This child is normal. How can that be???? Trust me - I have 4 boys - I know of what I speak. I didn't say its good behavior but it is normal. My oldest is 17 and it wasn't untill he recently had his head turned by a pretty girl that he started bathing without being hounded. Boys have a lot of ideas but hygeine is rarely one of them. Sometimes I make them all leave because I need to fumigate - no just kidding - but we do go through lots of plug ins AND I nag alot. I love my kids but boys are smelly smelly creatures.

Reread your question please. Don't you remember hating school as a kid? I do - so much it motivated me to homeschool. Did you like homework? Not me! Do you really think this child is so unusual? I don't.

As far as being a role model for your 11 month old.... yes you are asking too much. This boy is not prepared at his age to be a role model to anyone. He has his own issues to get through. Besides you don't know how he will turn out in the end. How can you pick him for a role model? Relax and let that relationship happen on its own. Let him simply be a big brother.

Answer 5

At that age, it is hard. Remind him that you are not his "real" mom but love given away is never gone. If he doesn't like the "nagging" he should try to do the basics so your conversations can be more about fun stuff. Initiate a conversation as to what type of music he likes, and then listen to it without being judgemental. If the lyrics are a bit rough, just ask him not to let the little one hear it but he can listen to it as long as dad is ok with it. Don't try to be a friend, just treat him as a person and realize he is going through a rouch stage in life. Let him know you are there to listen, and not judge, if he has a problem or just wants to talk. Take time out to listen to him, stop what you are doing or say, just a sec, I need to finish this and then I can really listen to what you have to say. Get him involved with the baby. Make him out to be a real help and how much babies are open to love and give it willingly. You have a hard task! You didn't say what happened to his "real" mom. If she is still alive, remind him that she loves him, even if he doesn't think so. She obviously thought dad could provide for him more if he is there. I have raised 3 step kids with my two. Not an easy task but mine were young, the oldest of them all was 8 when we got married. The kids, on their own, all called me mom. I reminded them their real mom loved them and when they said they couldn't remember what she looked like, I dug out my hubby's old pictures and showed them. We started visiting their mom during our vacations 5 years after we were married so they could see her. I have even become friends with her. "Evil Stepmom" is only around if you don't love the boy and take advantage of him. Do the best you can and encourage him. Make a big deal out of things that you would make a big deal out of if it were something your boy did. Be fair, in other words.

Answer 6

Respect is something you must earn from a teenager, expecially a step child.

Life will not be easy. If you are going to be primary care giver, you will have alot of added stress in your life.

IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

You will need to put time and energy into your relationship with your stepson. Your husband needs to be supportive, not say "I got it." You need to work together as a team. A Strong team your step son wants to be part of.

Gentle reminders work better than nagging. Maybe start a chore list, or responsibility list. Have him "earn" credits towards time playing video games, time with friends, ect...

I made a chore chart for my teen daughter, who is also lazy. i gave each chore a point system, each point is worth 25 cents. This works pretty good at our home, even though I am the parent, she does have a step dad. They are really close, she and he can talk about things that mom does not need to know about.

That is another key point. Do not break your step son's confidence, if he tells you something he does not want dad to know, and it is not a matter of life or death, don't tell!!!

I have enclosed a chore chart for 15 year olds, the one I use is for 16 year olds. plus a link about being a step parent.

Good Luck. If you want a "support buddy" email me, I will be glad to be a sounding board for you. ( I have 2 step daughters as well as 3 kids of my own)

Answer 7

Let your husband deal with his child. The bio-parent has more power than a step most of the time. I think insisting on rules about picking up after himself and that sort of thing are vital, but the rest? Your husband can and should deal with. Speaking as a stepmom of two girls who are now adults, you MUST back off or you will become the bad guy. :hug:

Answer 8

this is a critical time in your stepson's life, many times kids are simply unwilling to discuss any problems they're having and this build up of negative emotions can lead to negative behavior. Of course, your stepson could simply be lazy. If I were you, I would encourage him to take up a sport or at least try and get him to exercise (just to get the ball rolling). Also, you might want him to ask to help around the house, doing chores, etc. If he resists, and simply continues to act this way, I would suggest family counseling.

Answer 9

No you're not asking for too much . Just remember it's your home and your rules. You did'nt give me much to go on , so I will assume you and the mother are cordial to one another and if not ,now is a good time to start. I suggest you call her and ask her, that way , you will have full support. After all , all kids need rules and boundries to become well balanced indiviuals. I wish you all the luck.

Answer 10

Just treat him exactly the same as you treat your own child. My step-mother and I didn't start out on the best of terms, but now we are so close that I think of her as my real mother. She treats my brother and I the same as she treats her two kids and I really appreciate it. That's exactly what we needed. Do not try too hard to be his friend. Just be the best parent you know how to be to both him and your own child and everything will turn out alright in the long run. Good luck.