WHAT SHOULD I DO about my marriage?

Question

okay heres the thing me and my hubby have been together for 3 years we have been having major problems, u know yelling etc. well recently we started going to a counsler and i can honestly say i have been trying ALOT and my hubby said that if i would change and work on my temper that it would make him happier, but here thing i have changed not completely but alot and he still is very distant. always grumpy. i feel like i am the one trying to change and make this work and he is just setting back doing nothing. like before if he would want to go out after work i would yell and tell him to come right home, but yesterday he sid he wanted to go fishing after work but he decided not to and i told him no u should go and have a good time. we have 3 kids and i told him not to worry i would make dinner and get the kids to bed. i told him just to go out and have a good time. well, he ended up not going, by his own choice, but i didnt even get a thank you, and he knows that was hard for me.

what should i do? how to i get him to appreciate wha i am doing and that i am trying? how do i get him to see that and say thank you with-out telling him?

Answer 1

Asking for a thank you for doing what is right is not doing what is right.

Example: If I take the garbage out because the can is full, I do not expect my wife to thank me. It is by far not my favorite thing to do, but it has to be done.

While I understand that it is hard for you to control your temper and that you get angry easily, not getting angry does not require a thank you. It sounds like you are going from demanding attention by anger to demanding attention by politeness. Either way, demanding attention in this way is not positive and will keep your husband at a distance.

The two of you need to continue counseling and you sound like you should go to individual counseling to work on your communication skills.

It was good that your husband decided not to go fishing. It shows that he is comfortable in his home and that he is happy to be home. Both of those are positive signs that your marriage is improving.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 2

The only person that you can change in the relationship is you, and since you have been making efforts to do that, just keep it up and be sincere. Men are slower to react than we are and he might be waiting to see if the patterns go right back to the way they were before. Be patient and let him get past his anger (he might have had a lot more anger toward you than you think) and no matter how frustrated you get, don't take it out on him. If you keep making improvements on yourself (try not to expect thank yous and compliments) he WILL start to trust that things are going to be better and start acting friendly and warm again. Nobody ever tells us how hard it is to be married, and it is the hardest thing ever. If you are able to, find an activity that you can do that benefits you and gives you a bit of free time once a week, it really does help to have a little life outside of wife and mom duties and will help you keep yourself in check. I know what I'm talking about, I was a very angry wife for quite awhile, and its been a year and a half of much better times since someone told me what I am hoping you'll hear from me. Good luck!

Answer 3

Congratulations on your working towards a brighter future for you and your family!! As far as your husband acknowledging your efforts and thanking you, give it some time. Some men don't take time to notice things that women do so you may have to mention it at a "lighter" moment. Perhaps during a nice romantic dinner, or late at night when you are in bed at the end of the day. Just know that although he doesn't say thank you for your good behavior that everything that your doing will benefit your family and that is a good thing. The kids will learn about good behavior skills from the two of you so it will be in their best interests to offer a peaceful environment where they can learn to speak their minds in a rational way. Remember that sometimes we as women have to pat ourselves on the back so that we will feel good about things that we do. Be encouraged and let him know how you feel but don't expect too much so you won't get too disappointed.

All the best!!

Answer 4

I think the problem here is your expectations of hubby.

If you truly want to change what you see as a flaw in youself (because lets face it, trying to change what other people see in you as a flaw but you don't is really difficult at the best of times) then you have to do this for yourself - that means without expecting praise or other reward from someone else - you do it because it's the right thing to do. And you might not be changing as much as you think you are.

If hubby has things to change, he'll either do it in his own time or he won't do it at all - you can't control that. What you can control is what you do. This isn't about keeping score of who's doing what and when and how much - it's about trying to keep your marriage together by doing what you can to make it better.

Answer 5

Do not ever yell at him or your children if you want positive results NEVER..you just go to therapy and worry about YOU..not him..it is up to him to change..and also to make the marriage work. AND do not expect him to say thank you..even though he should...he never did before right? People don't change unless they want to and they think they have a problem and with professional help...it is a slow process also...take your time...YOU worry about you and you do the right things so your family stays happy and intact.....he will fall into place or he won't..but him going to therapy is a BIG step for any man...a lot of men would NEVER go so be happy he is going and trying..and him not going fishing IS a big deal for your relationship....he sounds like he is trying..it may seem like you are the only one but you are not..you both are trying but in different ways and if he was not a thank you person before the marriage he may never be but then again with help he may...I don't know you two or the cicumstances...you just mind you and not be negative to him or your children that in itself WILL help him change.... it is the right way to go....

Answer 6

I have been there before, maybe when he wanted to go fishing maybe he was wanting you to say "I'll find a babysitter and me and you can have some time to us" Sometimes you have to read between the lines, Remember he works all day with people he gets tired of people and so he probably wants some time to relax with his wife, With out her yelling at the kids and always putting them first. When kids are born the husband is usually pushed away from all the attention and they to need to be told how good they are and stuff like that.

Answer 7

Wow that's alot to take in. In my experience a marriage takes two. Meaning it takes two to make it work, also two to make the mess, and two to clean it up no matter who's "fault" it is. You are on the right track by seeking counseling. Try to keep in mind that if it took three years to get this bad it may take three years to see much improvement. Men have a different way of handling issues that we do. He may not want to put too much energy into you until he sees that your change is permanent. Perhaps his saying thank you to you was his not going. Work on communication and it will be hard but worth it. Best wishes.

Answer 8

Without repeating what your counselor has said, i'd say check for something you have not thought of. Depression for instance. or some other disorder that is biological. it is hard to reach out to someone else when you feel like you yourself are worthless... that's not a bad place to start.
Also working on your temper is not the primary problem. there is always something deeper. i could promise you that he'll keep coming up w/ stuff for your to change right? it hasn't stopped w/ the temper. Instead try to listen to him by reinterpreting what he says. say something like "so what you are saying is..." and see if you heard him correctly. hopefully this will mirror a great way for your to begin communicating... and bring this idea of reflecting/mirroring w/ your counselor... he'll be able to help you even more to develop this crucial skill! good luck!

Answer 9

the BIGGEST lie in marriage is that it is 50-50. Well it just isn't true. It's 100-100 %. Both in the relationship need to give all they have to give or it will never work.
That being said, LOVE also means that I will do whatever I can do - without having to have the same in return. If that's what I expected - then I would be VERY disapointed with my marriage also. Keep striving to hold it together. Not just for the 2 of you - but esp. the kids. They need both of you there.

Answer 10

DON'T EXPECT INSTANT RESULTS!! This is what is most frustrating about women... You ask your girl/wife to be more like this, or be more like that and they behave that way in 1 situation and expect life to change completely. Simply remain calm in situations where you normally wouldn't, or just walk away from arguements and detach from the situation completely. If he asks why you're mad ect ect, you need to tell him (calmly) that he needs to respect your space and you're trying to deal with your anger and not show it to him. Sometime you should ask him to go out, or maybe even plan a fishing trip for him! He obviously is stressed and when he gets home he doesn't want to deal with more stress he wants to relax. Him not going fishing means this, 'Screw it, it's not worth the crap i'll get when i get home so why bother." By crap i mean with him missing you get stressed out by the kids or whatever then take it out on him when he gets home because he wasnt there to help you deal with things. Do something special for him, he'll appreciate it even if he can't go fishing when you plan it for him next time he wants to go out and you say 'have fun honey' he won't think that you really don't want him to go but are saying yes.