I called him to offer my condolences and to lend an ear if he needs one, we've been together for so long, his family is like my family, how do I proceed, or should I stop there?
2007-03-26 16:17:08 · 30 answers · asked by Honey83 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I saw his cousin a few times throughout the relationship. So I don't know him all that well. My ex and I have always been there for eachother. now that we are broken up, I'm conflicted.
2007-03-26 16:30:46 · update #1
He also called me when he found out that my mom was getting heart surgery, and he didn't have to.
2007-03-26 16:37:45 · update #2
it really sucks when you've been close to a family like that and then, have to step back and view new parameters. i would say do as much as you'd like and are comfortable with BUT, do it from a distance.
this could mean sending flowers to the funeral home or, even the family home. sending a card ( i prefer to personally drop off cards at the front door without ringing the doorbell - just leaving it where it can be found - when they are immediately relevant such as the case here) or, even making that special dish that you know your ex loved and dropping it off at the house.
but, i wouldn't do anything with the intention of staying unless, you're invited to do so. follow their clues as to any amount of active participation.
whatever you do, be a class act.
if you find yourself thinking 'if i do this then, he may realize he loves me.....' you're doing it for the wrong reasons and should actually, do nothing at all.
don't do it with the intention of hanging on or, taking advantage of the situation in order to spend some time with your ex.
instead, do it with the humbleness and sincerity that says simply, 'i am here and i care but am willing to be just background material to all that's going on'.
then, run on back home and indulge yourself in the aroma of a fine rose with full knowledge that the aroma is emitting from you. - you will find that those moments spent smelling the roses that surround you are just as satisfying as if your ex really had come to his senses. more importantly, you will find those moments invaluable in building up you love of self during times of heartache.
take care :o)
2007-03-26 18:59:48 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
First I would like to say I am sorry for your loss and your ex's. I think that as long as he knows you're here for him, that is good enough, until he is ready to talk about. It wouldn't hurt to go to the viewing and funeral either, and offer your condolences to the whole family. Just because you two aren't together doesn't mean that all the friendships that developed with the family ended too. Again I am sorry about the death of the cousin, and I wish you the best of luck.
2007-03-26 16:23:55 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
STOP THERE! You already did more than you should have.
There is a reason you broke up, whatever it is. And any involvement in his personal life at all is not wise. If there is some OTHER person in his family that you were close with, by all means, send your regards, but that's enough.
I was with my ex-fiance for almost 5 years. A year after we split up his brother died. I felt bad. His brother was only 25 and had down-syndrome. The brother was such a good person and touched so many lives that over 600 people attended the funeral. I am sure no one expected me to show up and no one missed me.
There is no way I was going to say a word to my ex. I have moved on and am MUCH happier without him. I don't want to put a monkey wrench in that. I did have a close friendship with his sister, so I sent only her a card.
2007-03-26 16:35:12 · answer #3 · answered by Proud Momma 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You should make it clear that you are there to listen and lend support, but don't push yourself into the situation. If the ex's family is close to you then they will open up and invite you to grieve with them. If not then you've done your best.
How close were you to the cousin? Do you need to do your own grieving? If none of the ex's family is there for you, then find your own circle of friends to talk to.
Taking support in these type of situations is much harder than giving it. Don't be upset if you're treated as an outsider by the ex's family.
2007-03-26 16:24:45 · answer #4 · answered by pensacola_sand 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You could send a condolence card to the cousin's immediate family and/or a small floral arrangement to the service unless they requested donations to a particular cause. Its wonderful you are reaching out to "the family", I wouldn't use it to reunite with the ex.
2007-03-26 16:21:51 · answer #5 · answered by OPTIMIST 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If his family is like your family then by all means go to the funeral home and pay your condolences. If your ex has a new gf, make it a brief visit and don't make things uncomfortable for anyone.
2007-03-26 16:21:50 · answer #6 · answered by butrcupps 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Follow your heart, people we meet in life define our lives, his family IS your family still in your heart, divorce can't change that, tell your ex you would like to attend the services and say your goodbyes and ask if he would have a problem with that. If so, end it there, and visit the grave site privately. I'm sorry for your loss. May God Bless You
2007-03-26 16:23:35 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think its great that you can still feel compassion for someone even though you had a falling out with your ex..I don't think its wrong of you to do this either..How should you proceed ? I think you have done all you can for now, if he calls than do like you said talk to him and just be a friend..
2007-03-26 16:29:14 · answer #8 · answered by That Girl 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Stop there. You offered your condolences. That's all you need to do. If you feel like sending flowers to the family, you should. But, don't involve yourself any further, unless invited.
2007-03-26 16:21:23 · answer #9 · answered by sarlha 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is nothing wrong with what you did, your ex may need you now. My ex and her family still get along ok and I would do the same as you. Be there for your ex, the both of you will always have something in common. I'm sure he would do the same for you.
2007-03-26 16:21:18 · answer #10 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋