I am a hopeless romantic and my husband is NOT, what should I do, give in to a life with no romance or beg him

Answer 1

I see a lot of answers saying something along the lines of 'Hey, you married the guy; you got what you paid for..." which is true but not very helpful.

I also see a few answers along the lines of 'You just need to communicate with him that he's not fulfilling your needs..." Which would work fine if your husband was a woman, but since I'm assuming he's a man, that course is probably only going to lead to disaster.

In fact here's what you definitely should NOT do. "Honey, we need to talk about all the ways you don't fulfill me and we're going to have a long discussion about all your failures in the romance department until you're completely emasculated and demoralized..." See where I'm going there?

Instead, here's my opinion of what you should do:

First - realize that different people feel and show love in different ways. I know that might seem obvious and it might seem like it's not that related to your question, but it actually might be critical. Most men want desperately to please their wives and show them love, but 'aren't speaking the same language' so to speak. There's a great book called 'The Five Love Languages'. You might want to give it a read (and if you like it, refer it to your husband conversationally, not in any way that makes him feel lacking but that might snare his interest, ie 'I realized I feel love strongest through compliments/praise and touch; I wonder what your favorite ways to feel loved are') What makes you feel loved might not be what makes him feel loved, and worst of all, the ways that he's currently trying to show love to you might be going completely unnoticed. Some men will fix your dishwasher and call that love. Sadly, some women won't even notice those kinds of service for what they really are.

Alright, I've belabored point 1 enough... if we've got the basis that we might not think alike, now it's time to help him start those romantic motors running.

Stage two is simply to craft a plan to help him help you. It is absolutely *critical* that this be presented to him in a non-confrontational non-critical manner. If you make him feel like he is currently a lousy lover who is less than a man, he will be very hurt and not at all receptive.

Remember he's the man you love more than anything, and make sure he knows that you picked him to marry because he's the greatest guy in the world. We men are saps for positive reinforcement. Use it and watch him respond. Tell him he's your hero and your everything.

Now's the part where you're going to start leading him in the direction you want him to take. Maybe it could be a fun and playful conversation starting with 'so I was thinking of sexual fantasies the other day...' Watch his ears perk up at this point. All guys would love to be the ultimate sexual fantasy of the woman they love. Most just don't know how and dont' know how to find out.

Give him a script to work from. 'Can I tell you one of my fantasies?'. I know that that might not sound appealing or might sound like work - especially because most women don't like the idea of going from a script they like for things to be unexpected and surprising. That's ok, that's all in the future, right now you've got to get him on track. Give him a complete picture, and incorporate him into the the scene... actually make it so that he's the most important part.

Now don't be afraid to initiate. Maybe you'd love to have little love notes and flowers suddenly arrive at unexpected times. Well, mention this in your fantasy picture, then send him a few.

Make him feel like he has the power to make you the happiest woman on earth (NEVER guilt him about his failings) and give him the outline of what you like, and then stand back and watch him go. I guarantee your love life/romantic life will improve.

Two final notes:

Praise, praise, praise, compliments, and praise. He needs to know when he's getting things right. Downplay when he screws up, make a big deal out of when he gets it right, and he'll start getting it right more often.

And last, appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. Notice the things he does for you, make a big deal out of it, never ever take it for granted, and he'll know that he's got the greatest wife in the world and will feel loved (and will return it tenfold)

Good luck!

Answer 2

You could appreciate the ways that he does show his affections. My husband isn't a hopeless romantic, but he does many things that are wonderful and romantic in his own way. I'm sure your husband has his own way of doing special little things for you that you aren't even thinking about because you are waiting for big romantic things.

Answer 3

IAM IN THE SAME PLACE I NEED HELPTO .

Answer 4

That was my situation at the beginning of my marriage.
I begged and begged and nothing ever came out of it. Eventually I gave in.
Now, though, that I'm not so obssessed with him doing something romantic for me, I do see that he has his own, subtle way at romance and it's quite sweet.
Remember, not everybody does everything the same way.

Answer 5

Learn to appreciate your husband for what he is - don't dwell on what he's not. He is your *husband*, you married him for a reason; are these reasons still there? Focus on the good things in your marriage; no one can be everything for everyone; if your only complaint about him is that he's "not romantic", you should count your blessings and give him a break. Be romantic if you want, I'm sure he'll appreciate it, and he might even learn bits and pieces from you; but if it's not his strength - please forgive him for that, and find something else to love him for. Good luck.

Answer 6

Don't give up. He may catch on. If not, have fun trying different things. Drop hints. Let him know what you like subltly. You don't have to beg him.

Answer 7

DON'T BEG!!!!!!!!!!! Our romantic/sexual drives are all very different. It's just like our appetite for food, some of us are hungry all the time, other's pick at their food leaving half of it! I know, on a personal level, what you are going through. I was married for years to a guy who was, what I call, "indifferent". I was envious of my friends when I saw their husbands rubbing their backs or kissing them on the neck, etc. I tried too look good, smell good, and all that, it didn't help. We did manage to have two children and that distracted me for a long time...school activities, etc. Eventually, my sadness won out and we divorced. I married again and the second time around...well, let's say everything changed!! I could live with a 'loveless' life for awhile, but got tired of it. People often marry not thinking about these differences, but, as you have found out, this is an important area in relationship!

Answer 8

Typical married couple! Every relationship I am in always leaves me asking that question. I am hopless romantic and the men never are. Facts of life, but you may never find a man who is like you.

Answer 9

oh boy...I was in the same position. He was stable and secure, good provider, always made sure our family was taken care of.
But he had NO CONCEPT of what the word romance even meant. His idea of an "intimate" evening was drinking until he was obnoxious, slapping me on the butt, saying in a stupid voice "I luuuuuv you, honey" and then not being able to get it up because he'd had too much, and then passing out in front of the tv.
When he was sober, he still didn't have a clue. He would say any man that was romantic must be a wussy.
We NEVER cuddled or snuggled and talked in bed. Never any affection, except when he needed his few minutes to "get off"--then he would take a shower and go to bed.

I finally left him after 11yrs--I was so unhappy and so unfulfilled. He didn't have a clue and would never get one.
I've since found the man of my dreams and couldn't be happier!

Answer 10

You knew this BEFORE you married him and married him anyway?Dont buy a rabid weasel when you really want a kitty cat knowing its a rabid weasel and then complain because it doesnt behave like a kitty cat, but like a rabid weasel.Change to fit him.Meet him at the door naked and see what happens.Look out the window first to make sure its him and he hasnt brought any company with him.

Answer 11

Wow... I feel the same way... I'm the hopeless romantic and I feel that my wife is very much not! I ask that same question to myself every day... we should talk...