please help, serious answers only?

Question

i have been with my partner for over four years. we have shared some fantastic times and also some very bad times. basically, theres this woman from his native country who he has emailed in the past (she is back in his country, he is in england). this was about three years ago when i found out he was emailing her, sending her photos, she was also sending photos to him. at first, because i didnt understand the language, he was able to lie to me and tell me this woman was family and he wasnt attracted to her at all. then i found a lot of photos and letters she had sent to him by post that he had kept. I was in such a state that i slit my wrists, but my partner found me in time and i was ok. He ripped up all the photos and put in the bin, blocked this girls id and changed his email address. then a year later i found out he had set up a new email i knew nothing about and was continuing to email her. he apologised to me and said he had been very stupid, that it was just a game to him.....

again he stopped emailing her. then today she sent him a message on yahoo, but he swears he hasn't talked to her in a year. i dont believe him as he has lied far too many times before. i love this man with all my heart, i have stood up in court for him, stayed with him despite my family threatening to disown me for continuing to see him, we are engaged and had been planning to start a family this year and this is how he repays me. im so sick of it. i want to leave but i just dont have the strength. i suffer from severe depression and im terrified of how badly i will take it if i leave him. please help me.

i have to stress that i really do love him but i know enough is enough. i have to leave him, but i feel dead inside. i dont see the point in carrying on. i know he's a lowlife and i deserve better but i literally dont have the strength to go through all this. he is the only guy i have been with, and we've been together since i was 15. i planned my whole life around him and now its crumbling in front of me. i dont know what to do.

one more thing, he is from a very strict, traditional background and has told his parents about me, something he and his brothers would never do unless they were going to spend their life with someone. despite all this he is the most caring, gentle man in the world. thats why it hurts me so much. anyone been in this situation before? how did u find the courage to walk away?

but i really dont understand it. i gave up everything for him, things were going really well and then she comes on the scene again. he swears to me he hasn't talked to her anymore and has begged me not to leave him.

im too ashamed to leave him and admit to my family that they were right all along. plus i have no money and nobody i can stay with. my dad abused me when i was younger so going home to my parents is really not an option

Answer 1

I wouldn't trust him.

When 2 people "shack up", one person may think it's a pre-cursor to marriage, - and the other one may think it's just something to do, until they find the "right one".

Either way, - it's the nature-of-the-beast, - just "shacking up". Leave him with the "time lost" and move on.

Answer 2

I wish you understood a better meaning of the word "love" because this situation is not what love is supposed to be about. I fear you do not know how love is supposed to be (beautiful, caring) because you did not get the right love as a child. If this is so, ask yourself "when I was a child, how do I wish I had been treated; did I feel loved?" Please do not consider bringing a child into this relationship. There is one victim already---you--don't bring an innocent child in for there to be two victims. You deserve better than this. Find the support you need to move away from him and forward. He may have stayed because your abusive behavior scared him. That is not a healthy foundation or a lasting foundation for a relationship. Since you have been self abusive in the past (slit wrists) you may need professional counseling and there is nothing wrong with this. In fact, seeking help is a strength. Find that strength in yourself and find a better life.

Answer 3

If he's lied to you once - he'll do it again. Yes you can go home - just report your father to the Police - and when you have a phone at your diposal call the bum you call a partner and tell him he's a bottom feeder and that you know longer wish to see him. And BE FIRM. Mean it. It will hurt for a while and you might be embarrassed to admit to your parents that they were right! So What? NO MAN IS WORTH SLITTING YOUR WRISTS OVER! You must have a very low self-esteem. Get Professsional Help. There are millions of NICE MEN out in the world. You do not need this one! Once you are back home, you can go job hunting and have your own money!

Answer 4

I don't know what your faith is but this sounds like a time when you need to lean on some "extra" support.
You said you know what is good for you, but do you really believe it?
I have been with the same guy since I was 15 and I am 25 now. It wasn't until I read some of the responses to a question I left that I started to re-evaluate my relationship. The only reason I stayed was because it was convenient. I wasn't ready for change and I wanted him to be the father of my children. My happiness was nowhere in my decision to leave. It still hurts. I feel like I just cut out a piece of my own heart. I just keep telling myself it's for the best. We just weren't growing. Well we grew, just not together.
My situation is not the same and I'm not comparing the two. I know how it feels to still be in love with my first love and not wanting to give up what I dreamed was the perfect "happily-ever-after"
If you can give yourself three good reasons to stay that are not financial, but substantial give it another shot.
My only true advice is don't take your life into your own hands. Personally, I believe that is your one-way ticket to Hell. Don't pass go. Don't collect $200.

Answer 5

15 plus 4 years means you're only 19, girl. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't waste another minute on this two-timing liar!! I tried suicide when I was 16, over a guy, of course, and I ended up in a marriage so much better than what I would have had with him! We've been married 38 years and have three grown children. Leave him ASAP and find a counselor to help you with your depression. You will come out the other side with a better life and future.

Answer 6

You have to go! There is no alternative. You can't work it out anymore. This man knows you. He knows you are weak. He will treat you this way forever. I know that you love him alot, but you have to love two people more than him: YOURSELF and GOD! THe two of you together will be strong enough to go. He isn't as nice as you think he is because look at what he is doing behind your back. I think you need to a support system. Talk to fam and friends. Seek counseling.
Everything he has done to you is justified and do you know why? It is because you have accepted it! You are accepting it right now and without words you are telling him:
You can do whatever you want to me because I am weak and will never get the strength to leave. If you marry this man then you will spend the rest of your life hating yourself and loving a liar! CHOOSE your path!

Answer 7

Yeah there's serious relationship issues going on here. Sometimes, when you love somebody and are in a long time relationship, it's hard to want to move on. Believe me, I know, I've been there before. This guy continues contact w/ this girl, even after the fact that it drove you to try to commit suicide. Sure, he says to your face that he's sorry and she doesn't mean anything to him, but actions speak louder than words. You've already given him a second chance. I don't know how the rest of your relationship is, but always trust your gut. If you feel that you should end it, then do. It'll be hard in the beginning, but in the long run it'll work out. And there's lots of other guys out there, just begging to be faithful if given the chance. Don't be scared. Good luck, whatever you may decide.

Answer 8

Wow, you are in a spin and really hurting. Breathe and try to think as clearly as possible. Think about ways to get a more stable foundation in your life. This guy is crazy making. You have been abused before and have attracted another abuser. Our boundaries of acceptable behaviour get blurred with abuse and it takes trusted people to point out what is okay and what isn't okay - what to accept and what not to accept. It is a long, hard road but worth setting out on that journey. Maybe a support group and same-sex friendship might be a less tricky place to get your emotional needs met. Yes, you don't have the same intimacy but they are "safer" grounds to get your basic social needs met. It's also hard when we have been abused because we pick up some unhealthy ways of coping, that we wouldn't have picked up, if we hadn't been abused. This can drive people away. You have invested a lot in this man and the pain is deep but try to focus on you, what you need - rather than on his actions. You cannot control what he choses to do and could waste a lot of time trying. It is okay if that is what you choose to do - I understand how deeply emotional it all is, but try to recognise what you are doing while you are doing it, and the road to healing may be easier in the long run. Build up the positive friendships in your life while dealing with this harmful relationship. It is possible to have a good life after abuse.

Answer 9

you are a wonderful person.

let me tell you that again.

YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

don't let this man or any other put you down. you deserve so much better. this man has lied to you, he has continued to lie to you and he won't change. it is difficult sometimes, when you love someone, but you have to learn to think with your head and not your heart. this will save you less hurt in the long run.

i hope there is somebody close to you who can help you. if not, hold your head high. there are millions of women who have gone through what you're going through, because of how horrible some men are. you are an inspiration to us all.

if you are looking for some support go to www.womansavers.com there are some really amazing people on there.

good luck xx

Answer 10

I am one of those really stupid people who wants to believe that people can change-But deep down I know they can't.And he won't.
Your family obviously don't like him much,so I bet they would support your choice if you left him.He has lied to you about this woman continually-and will do so even if you marry him.He does it because he can.He does the wrong thing,then you forgive him,so he does it again,and you forgive him,and so on and so forth.
Be strong-maybe you will find you are less depressed without him,because you will not have these feelings of insecurity and stuff.By him doing this to you,it affects your mental health-and only you can make yourself feel better.
You are worth 10 of him,and once you leave he will realise just how wonderful you are and what he has lost.
It is hard to leave,but think of yourself-and how much happier you would be without him making you feel this way.
Good luck and stay strong!!

Answer 11

Please be strong and leave him, I know it will be very hard but the longer you leave it the harder it will get! Do not be ashamed....everyone makes mistakes and I'm sure someone will help you out, if not go to your local council, they might be able to sort you out for somewhere to stay!
Look to the future and how happy you will be when you find mr right and settle down and have a family of your own! Try your vey best to stay positive, Negitive thoughts bring you down.
Stay strong and I hope everything works out for u! x