Are my inlaws racist?

Question

I'm black, my hubby is white. Prior to our marriage, his mom expressed to him that he was "limiting his pool" by solely dating black women...and she mentioned she wished he'd marriage an "italian girl" as she is italian....anyhoo...

most recently, her and my father-in-law have made comments about hispanics....my hubby and i are house hunting and they have said "oh no you don't wanna live in that area, lots of hispanics there" and this morning my mother-in-law was talking about her brother who is moving to a condo in what she called a "not so good area..." "there's lots of hispanics there" (we live in Cali btw, hispanics are everywhere" - so my question is...if you live by hispanics, what does that mean? they have made reference to gangs, and stuff with hispanics...but me being a minority, why would they make that reference in front of me? what if i were hispanic? hell, i don't like living in all-white areas...would you be offended by this too? whats a good way to stop this?

I'd like to also add, the county my inlaws live in is in our opinion composed of two types of races - whites and hispanics...this is also true of the city in which her brother lives in that she made a reference to. My husband and I would love to be closer to his parents with us having their only grandson, but refuse to subject our child in a city where he, as a biracial child, is the absolute minority. Their city has probably less than 2% blacks...therefore, I would never live there. We live closer to the bay area which has every race, actually the minorities are in many cases the majority. I'm saying all this because they suggested he didn't move to our city prior to when we met in fear of something bad happening, and now I'm assuming because it wasn't an "all-white" town. After writing this, I have concluded they are racist, but my question now is how should I handle this once it comes up again? What should I say?

Also, they are always "nice" to me, and to my extended family, and they love our son (who is verrrrrrry fair and many people say he looks "white" - he actually looks hispanic LOL), but my concern is that my son will also be a man of color regardless of what he looks like and to make comments like this will be confusing to him. Actually, I'm getting pissed off writing this...so I'll just leave on the note that they are not, and have not been any hard feeling between us...but I know they secretly wished he'd probably marry white...

Answer 1

I agree, maybe they're prejudice, or even ignorant. My grandmother does the same thing. I'm Puerto Rican/Black and I'm a college student. I often visit my grandparents in NY to help out. I notice she says those same exact things. It's common when we go shopping for her to say "this used to be such a nice store but all these hispanics come around and mess things up" it blows my mind everytime she does that because my father is p.rican and I KNOW she doesn't think that way about me (i'm her favorite granddaughter.....no seriously). I showed her a hair salon i like to go to when i'm at her house and she was a little wishy washy about it because it was run by dominicans in a city where a lot of hispanics reside. I don't think she's racist b/c she very opinionated about everything. My cousin came home for christmas with multiple piercings she told her she was going to he*l-she said it just as plain and blunt. A woman in church has dreds and my grandma asked "how do you wash those THINGS" with a look of disgust. I blame the things she say on ignorance or maybe she's just "old school" and she likes things better the way they used to be, or I should say the way she's USE to. So maybe your inlaws STILL havent accepted or maybe they haven't adjusted themselves to just face the fact that their son has a African American wife. They probably think "theres still hope"

So don't think your inlaws are racist, but maybe ignorant and/or prejudice. It's not about what makes them happy anyway it's about what makes YOU and YOUR FAMILY happy and don't let them get in between that. They're going to have to realize their son is a grown a** man

Answer 2

The best way to stop this kind of thing is stop talking to your in-laws. Today, they are racists. Tomorrow, when they wake up, they'll be racists. They'll be racists when they die and every day in between.

Really, not talking to them is probably not a practical option, so probably the best thing to do is develop a thick skin about the issue and let them be who they are, even if it offends you. You can't change them, and any attempt to do so will result in open war.

There's no denying that there are neighborhoods that have high concentrations of certain ethnic minorities that are undesirable to live in. This comes from the fact that people like to clump up with other people that seem familiar to them. Sometimes, this creates largely hispanic neighborhoods with blaring mariachi music, threadbare living-room sofas on the dead front grass and stripped cars scattered about. It's sad, but it does happen for pretty easily tracable reasons, and you probably don't want to live in a neighborhood like that.

In Southern Cal, there are also some pretty damn fine hispanic neighborhoods that I certainly wouldn't mind living in. Great restaurants, swell neighbors, fun, happy, helpful people on all sides. I can't understand what they're saying a lot of the time, but that's just MY handicap.

On a personal note, I'm an engineer who tests cellphone towers for data throughput. I'm a white guy. I was dispatched a couple of weeks back to test a throughput issue at a house in a gated community in Cathedral City, outside of Palm Springs. I didn't know it was a gated community, and didn't have the access code or the phone number of the customer, so I just tailgated another car in and parked in front of the customer's house. Odd place. Beautiful houses, but nobody was outside. Stepford-like weirdness! As I was running my tests, the lady of the house came out. She was a very nice looking white lady, talking on a cellphone while she asked, in a very snide, not very friendly at all tone, "CAN I HELP YOU?" I said, "No, thanks" and got on with my job. Not the best judgement on my part, certainly. Five minutes later, while I was wrapping up, the Cathedral City Police pulled up and started threatening to arrest me for tresspassing.

I would never, EVER live in that neighborhood. Locked gates, fear, armed police slaves, and housewives that call them just because you're parked in front of their house. A very high class white neighborhood, yet utterly toxic to human contentment.

I guess I'm trying to say that you have to not be color-blind because real issues do exist, but there's a line there that's pretty easy to see that crosses into racism.

Answer 3

I would say they are speaking there mind more so then being racist. There could be some undertones of stereotyping in a concerned kinda way if you or someone else is moving into the "not so good part of town."

I many cases, what people say in front of you can give you an idea of what they say behind your back. Personally, I respect people that are honest to my face. That represents a true women/man in my book.

Answer 4

You cannot stop your mother-in-law. I can't.
But I'm hispanic, and I don't see why she would say that. There are hispanic gangs, but I don't think enough to constitute a stereotype that all hispanics are in a gang. It seems like this was motivated by pure racism. So yes I, personally, would be offended, for obvious reasons.

Answer 5

I do believe that they are prejudice, though I wouldn't go as far as to call them racist. It doesn't at all surprise me. People of older generations tend to have problems coping with the changes that our world is enduring. Their reactions to these changes (their son marrying a black woman, having a bi-racial grandson, etc.) may appear to be rash and thoughtless. I say give them time.

I'm engaged to a white man now and his family loves me. They already have a bi-racial grandchild from my boyfriend's sister and they love him and her boyfriend. It depends on how open your mind is to change.

Answer 6

Your in-laws are racists. If they've never said anything to you, they're just being polite. It's more than likely they tolerate you out of lover for their son (your husband), but they're probably not too keen on you.
Sorry.

Answer 7

Yes, your inlaws are racist. Sorry.

Answer 8

does your husband love you? then that is all that matters.