Controlling Behaviour?

Question

I have a wonderful husband of nearly a year, whom I adore, unfortunately he is very insecure and very controlling. I have tried, but in vain to elay any fears that he might have regarding me leaving him, straying, un-faithfullness, you name it he accues me of doing it. Even when I go to the supermarket he questions the length of time I`m out. Today he wants to walk out because I refuse to go Bankcrupt, tearing up all my paperwork and causing disruption in my life and the family home. Although he has calmed down now. I`ve exhausted all my stratergies for him, can anyone suggest positive comments on what to do for him.

Grateful thanks.

Answer 1

well for starters if he doesn't trust u when u go out---take him with u....this will give ya'll more time together...possibly this is all he needs is more time with u....u are probably the light of his life..

Answer 2

Stick at it. My husband was exactly the same. The first year of this is hell and I bet you sometimes regret getting married! They do settle and then you only have the odd moment where they misbehave. I keep telling my husband how much I love him and how nice he looks and blah, blah. I say something positive to him everyday and deep down he knows I think he is the bees knees. On top of all of this insecurity, money troubles could be making him feel like a failure so its not helping! Give him a day or two and then try and have another conversation about bankcruptcy and other options. By the way, I have had to learn that although I am always positive about my husband, he constantly criticises me and tries to put me down. I know why he does it so I ignore it but just occasionally I would like a boost and it doesn't happen! You have to be tough. I wonder if your partner is the same? I know why my partner is this way which helps me get through it. He gets better every day though so I am glad I stuck at it. A crumb off his table is better than a loaf off someone elses.

Answer 3

Living with a controlling person, even one you adore, is suffocating. It can destroy a marriage. The 'controller' thinks he/she is protecting the relationship by watching everything the partner is doing (to make sure all remains under his control!). The opposite is happening!! He is LOSING the very one he wants to keep close!! NO ONE can be so stifled, so WATCHED and be happy. Sometimes, this can lead to physical control and that is real bad!!! This type of person has a very low self image. and feels very insecure. Oddly enough, if he were to move on and get into another relationship, he would treat her the very same way!! I know this isn't fun to hear, but listen up! By the way, saying he is going to "walk out" is just MORE CONTROL! The man needs serious counseling and if he won't go, you go, alone. You will pick up some suggestions on how to handle this man. Personally, I would not be treated in such a way...I would tell him to grow up, get a life...and leave me alone!! I understand that you love him ( I do know about love), but please don't be blinded by it.Sorry to be so direct, but this kind of thing is plain hurful to hear! Hugs to you!

Answer 4

Take it from me it does get worse! It does not always end in physical violence -depends if he is aggressive or not but the mental abuse and put downs start tand then get worse. I have just realised this has been happening to me and believe me im out from now big time....im not letting anyone treat me like that.
You could try councilling - when i asked i got a no, not my thing - only now i understand why i got the no..... cos lets face it to admit the problem would be taking the blame that he has put on me for the last few years!
Id make councilling your last attempt otherwise i would go and lead a single happy life..... cos take it from me it eventually wears you down to a pulp!
Good luck.
Ps You listen to miss jasmine up there she knows and describes it to a tee. This how my situation has turned out - with the controlling and bulling me over my child.

Answer 5

Ultimately, your husband needs to access and address the roots of his insecurity, and what is underlying his need to control, whether this is connected with his personal history, or events that have occurred in your relationship. If you have not been able to engage in constructive dialogue together, yet remain commited to the relationship, you could attempt deeper communication via a couple counsellor to try and resolve the problems you face.

If this is acceptable to you, but not acceptable to your partner, you might then question his level of commitment. At the end of the day, one person cannot 'fix' a relationship single handedly. Each has to accept his/her own part in it and be prepared to explore solutions... otherwise the same old fires will continue to ignite. One thing is certain - neither of you is in a happy place. It is no less painful to feel constantly insecure, then to feel constantly distrusted. Good luck. I hope it all works itself out.

Answer 6

bless u, i feel for you. my husband was exactly the same, controlling and possesive. we have now been married just over a year but i felt there was no hope. in the end i left, took our baby and my things and filed for divorce. couldnt take any more controlling. you have to remember sweetheart that this is HIS insecurity issues, this has nothing to do with you and why should you suffer for his insecurity??the only thing i can suggest is stick to your guns!!!! keep your own life your own job etc, if he doesnt like it, TOUGH! go out with your freinds, just keep persisting becuase you cant live your life a prisoner. you have a marraige, not a jail sentence. i have gone back to my husband and the thought of loosing his family, he has calmed down. he still sulks if i do anything alone but its the way its got to be! good luck xx

Answer 7

Sweety I have the same problems and your right in saying that controlling behaviour is due to low self esteem. The problem is that you cant fix it for them, they have to do it for themselves. Regardless of what you try to do to alleviate it you cant becasue it is a problem with them and as long as they have insecuirites then they will find countless things that will make them insecure, even if you do fix one problem. Maybe you can suggest counselling. Becasue he is insecure he probably wont want to admit to problems, so dont do it in a confrontational way - trust me it wont work that way. IF things get really bad, or if he agrees to go and then finds any excuse not to (like mine) then you can get a formal letter from a counsellor requesting them to attend a counselling session. He has to reply to them within a certain period and the answer will have to be either a yes or no, not a yes but, or a i would but. When I see others who are in a controlling marriage I always think that sure you can put up with control but eventually one day they will try to control something you cant put up with and then it will all fall into pieces. And honestly sweety if you let control happen it only paves the way for it to keep continuing, and as much as you may resist to be controlled you will one day reach a point where you realise that as much as you fought it, it still happened. The essence is, that he needs to realise it himself, you know what they say realsiing is the first step to recovery, you cant force him to realise, he must do it himself. Sure marriage is compromise, but be careful what your compromising, and make sure its normal and realistic, which can be so hard to see sometimes. Email me if you need a ear.

Answer 8

My cousin is with a man like this, at first she found it flattering, she thought it was because he cared about her so much and that's why he had to know her every move, in fact he is a total and utter control freak who systematically abuses her both mentally and physically, has totally alienated her from her closest friends to the point that she wont have anybody in the house when he's out as he can tell if sombodys visited her, she's not allowed to go out unless he's with her and when they do go out he watches her every move.
Please do not allow this man to drag you down with him, his insecurities are his problem and you shouldn't have to live your life in fear.
My advice from the heart would be to try counselling, if that fails get out while you still can, to many woman end up laying on a mortuary slab because of this obsessive controlling behaviour!

Answer 9

Certainly making your life an open book is a start.

You certainly cannot fix his insecurity, and it sounds like you have done many things to insure that you are not going to do the things he fears.

Perhaps it's time for boundaries and to make the statement that you will not continue to live with a man who is unable to trust you. Indicate your willingness to live up to the trust you desire, and ask him what it takes for him to trust you.

Put the ball back in his court. Ask him why he is so insecure? Encourage him to see help.

You cannot invalidate his fears, as those are legitimate feelings. However, you don't have to tolerate being tacitly accused of actions or motives that are not yours.

So let him know he is free to have those fears, but that if he continues, then his fear of you leaving WILL be realized as you cannot or will not continue to live under such unfounded accusations such as being unfaithful.

Tell him you are there for him, if he needs help, if he needs to verify. Let him go shopping with you and such. However, it sounds like much of this is work that he must decide to do and then do it.

Answer 10

Er sorry but you must of seen these signs before you married him! Unfortunately there's nothing you can do, he's the one that needs to get help and he will only do so when he's ready, if ever. Watch out he might drain you of all your sense of self in the process too, so you are left with zero self esteem and have no option but to stay because you think you will never get any better. In fact thats what he wants! Sad but true x

Answer 11

I am sorry to hear about your problems. I am just getting out of an 18 year marriage that too was controlling. I never did anything right, or enough or what he expected of me (I was supposed to know what he expected, even when he didn't tell me). Every conversation with him was like an interrogation. His questions were like an attack & then I would feel defensive & then we would argue (his favorite thing to do). I asked him many times in the past to go with me to counceling but there were always excuses. I finally had, had it and left. He then wanted to go to counceling (which we did) but unfortunently it was too late for me.
I would say since your so new into the marriage, to go to couples counceling. He may even want to go to private counceling to find out why he is so insecure with himself. Please don't wait as long as we did. Good luck.