how do I do this?

Question

My boyfriend moved out of our apartment yesterday, at my request. We've been together for a year and a half, and he won't make commitment to me. I want to get married in 5 years or so, and I want him to tell me that we have a future together, but he won't. Did I do the right thing? Should I have stayed with him? What can I do to stop crying? I feel like I've just made the biggest mistake of my life. I know that we can still be together, and we left on great terms. Is it smart to want to plan ahead...even if it is a long time away? Should I ask him to move back in? Any advice would be appriciated. Thanks

Answer 1

I have a friend who managed to push her boyfriend of four years away with this same thing. They ended breaking up over it. It was very sad, they were a good, happy couple but she knew that she wanted more in the future. He could not commit to her in that way because he wanted to make sure that he could provide for her and a possible family. He had no idea how long it would take him to get to that point in life, but he did love her and would have married her in time. Putting these time restraints on a man can be very tough on a guy. Its ok to disguss your future. Its ok to tell him that eventually you want to get married, own a home and have children. These are things that most people want out of life. You should sit down with him and tell him that you did not mean to push him away but you felt that the two of you should be able to disguss your futures togeather or not. Dont tell him that in 5 years you want to be married. This is telling him that if he cant live up to what who it is he wants to be with in this time he is not the one for you and may frighten him. You can ask him if he sees himself ever being married and wanting the same things out of life that you do (because this is very important) but you need to let him know that there is no rush and time will take its coarse and things will be what they are. Matters of the heart are very hard, and if there are more issues than this and you truly love one another I suggest counceling to get past any road bumps you cant handle on your own. Its not a shot to the ego to get help and sometimes that is just what you need. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.

Answer 2

I could have posted that myself! My bf and I have been together for 3 years, and have lived together for most of it. He's just now getting to the point where he says things like "it's likely" we'll be together for the long run. Don't get me wrong; he's committed to me and we have a great relationship, he just won't give me that guarantee that I'm looking for. I used to get SO upset. Sometimes I still do. But I've learned to look at our situation like this...the only difference between our current situation and marriage is that I would be comfortable bringing children into a marriage. I'm not ready for kids yet, and probably won't be for another few years, so I've decided not to stress about the marriage thing. If the time comes when I'm ready to have kids and he's in doubt, then too bad. I'll have them myself. But for now, I'm happy with what we have. So if you do have a great relationship, don't sacrifice it for what might or might not happen. It is smart to plan ahead, but not at the expense of something that will make you happy. He's probably a little nervous at the idea that you might be "it." You know, the one that he'll be waking up to EVERY morning for longer than he's been alive? It's a difficult committment to make, so take it a day at a time. Good luck!

Answer 3

Actually WOW.. congrats.. I say "good call". Not enough people plan for the future.

I am proud of you, and totally glad that instead of asking this question after waiting five years, you did it now and got rid of him.

If he really wanted a marriage in the future or if he "were the one" he may have said he would marry you.. so you did the right thing...

No stop crying and go find Mr. Right! He is out there, you know!

Answer 4

It has always been my belief that honest men know within about 18 months if they want to commit to a women. If not then men can get "stuck" in a relationship forever. On the other hand ultimatums rarely work out well. I think you are rather generous when you allow five years to marry. I think that is way too much time. I think you are doing the right thing. He just wasn't ready to commit to you. Allow him some nag free distance and see what he comes back to you with.

Answer 5

If there was nothing wrong with the relationship why would you make such a bold move on something that may not happen 5 to 10 years down the road. You were being selfish.

Answer 6

U either need to accept things the way they are ...or if u want marriage then u did the right thing...one cannot make another marry them

Answer 7

i think it is smart to plan ahead, and if you really want to get married, you should give him up, in my opinion. you want to be happy, right?