Going through divorce, no paperwork filed, and have met someone very special. What do I do?

Question

I have been trying to get my wife to accept my divorce position for about a month now, moved out last week and she still won't drop the whole "let's go to counselling" and "you can't leave me cause I still love you" stuff.

I do care for her, I do not hate her...i just know that we aren't right and I have said that for over a year now. She claims she didn't believe me/didn't hear me. Which honestly, only angers me. During this time, I have met someone, I have known her for a while but never contemplated being with her. My divorce is inevitable because I wanted it with or without this new person. My wife has asked me if I am seeing someone and i have lied a few times and feel awful about that but I did so because I feel for her safety (she has threatened physical abuse on herself) and for my financial security (she has threatened to never find a new place and take my car, which is in her name)...I wasn't looking, it just happened. Should I tell my wife and risk too much?

That is my main question...she said to me today "if you are seeing someone, let me know so I can move on." I was a chicken...which is really unlike me. But I am afraid for myself and for her. Play Devil's advocate and give me some possible "I'm not a jerk" options. Thank you for your concern!

no house...it's an apartment, she hates it there. No kids. Haven't filed for divorce papers because I generally feel bad and guilt tripped...I know I am leading her on but she will never give up.

I have never in my life jumped from one relationship to another, not my style. This would be a first...I have never felt this way about another person in my whole life (close to it...but not exactly)and the fact that I am willing to lay it all on the line should say something.

Answer 1

I don't know if it's the same everywhere but if your wife comes to know there is someone else in your life, she may use this against you, in the Divorce.

Answer 2

I'd be getting things organized and getting a divorce before i made any other decisions.
Don't involve anyone else in what could become a big mess by the sound of things.If this other woman truly loves you she will sit back quietly and wait for you.
You have to be fair to your wife. Get the paperwork filed and everything settled between you so you know where you each stand. She may have to find a new place and who cares about a car.That can be replaced.I'm sure it's hers if it's in her name anyway but these are things you need to get settled.
I would just tell her that you are getting a divorce and do it.
Concentrate on this matter and then move on.You'll have time for other things in your life later.

Answer 3

Well you believe that if you tell her the truth things will get uglier and guess what they are. I'm a very honest person and I believe in always saying the truth and I know I'm contradictiong myself but sometimes you have to keep the truth when somebody's life is in danger. I would be very upsert with you if you were playing and lyieng to both of this females, but you are not. You have already told your wife that you dont want to be with her, now its time to finish it the appropiate and correct way. I would put off going out with this other person because it can make your divorce uglier. My advice to you is to file the paperwork, file legal seperation and get a divorce. Go on with your life, your wife is hurting but not all marrieges work, it takes two to get together and it takes two to break up. Just be strong all the way divorces are like deaths they hurt and bring you down even if you dont love the other person anymore. God Bless

Answer 4

I would give your wife what she's asking for - the reason for her to move on. Every time you lie to her about the other person, you give your wife a reason to hang on to the thought that maybe the two of you aren't finished yet. since she's the one that's holding up the signing of the paper work, just tell her that you've met someone and are planning to see if this develops into something more serious and leave it at that - you don't want to hurt the wife with any more details than necessary but you do want to get across that the two of you are finished.
Otherwise she'll just be hanging on to that paperwork forever.

Answer 5

If you want the divorce, then you should be the one to file for divorce to get things moving in that direction. I am sure because you haven't done that yet, your wife is holding onto hope that there is a chance for reconciliation. And just because you are seeing someone now, it will not adversely effect your divorce. A court will not hold that against you. How serious are you about this current lady you are seeing? If she is a normal person, I am sure she doesn't want to date a man who is married and am sure she would like you to start the divorce proceedings. Good luck.

Answer 6

You need to be honest with yourself, then you need to be honest with the new person your interested in tell her the whole story about the divorce the possible phsyco you might be dealing with. after that then yes, tell the wife that you have met someone since you have moved out and would like to start a new life, ask her to please sign the divorce papers so that both of you cna start new lives, hopefully she won't make it difficult. If she does, go through the proper police channels to take care of her.

Answer 7

File the paperwork yourself so that at least you have a legal separation. I frankly don't know that much about divorce other than watching friends go through it. But start the paperwork.

You are responsible for yourself - and although she is in pain, she is responsible for herself as well. Threats don't bring people back. Start sorting out what you need to do legally and go from there.

Answer 8

Don't tell her, it is ammunition for her to hook your money.

Move out, get legally seperated, ASAP, and divorce.

You don't have to prove to your wife what you said, when. This is now. This is the world as it is, not as she wants it.

Try to keep your girlfriend at arm's length for a while as you are in a divorce. If she is worth anything, your new girlfriend will understand, and respect the fact that you are edning one relationship, before you start another. In that way, you will not be seen as a cheater, when you finally marry her.

Otherwise, she will say to herself, damn he cheated on his last wife, to be with me. Who is he with, that I don't know about?

You also might find that once you are free, your new girlfriend leaves, since you might have only been attractive to her since you were "taken."

Good luck. Get a decent lawyer

Answer 9

The first thing that I would do is file the paperwork. Depending on the state that you are living in if you go out with this woman it could lead to adultery charges. Finish one before starting another relationship. Will be easier for all concerned. :) Cheers

Answer 10

So what is keeping YOU from filing for divorce? You don't have to have your wife's consent to file for divorce. All you have to do is go file and have her served. The fact that your car is in her name is something YOU will just have to deal with. As far as her molving from the home, well if you have no children the court will probably have you sell and both of you split the proceeds 50/50. As for the rest of it, they are simply excuses YOU are making in order to avoid filing. What is it inside of YOU that makes YOU want to remain married if you are as hell bent on divorce as you say you are?

Answer 11

It seems to me you are still married, so dating really isn't an option for you. As far as your wife not getting her own place, well, you are the one who wants out. You should be the one to leave. If the car is in her name, it's her car. You have a lot of loose ends to tie up before you can devote yourself to someone else.