Should I even consider the invitation from my husband?

Question

My husband left me a year ago to be with a woman he started seeing 5 months before he moved out ( which I didn't discover until 3 months after he moved out). We have two kids, 3 and 6.
He invited me to breakfast at a restaurant "to talk about the kids." He then proceeded to say that he wants to work it out and that we need to "move forward positively" and "not beat one another up with the past." In otherwords, he wants me to act like the other woman never existed.
While he was away, he told everyone that I drank a lot (1.5 glasses of wine and I fall asleep, so I don't get that.) He also filed a custody action, which we worked out with a mediator & never had to go to court. He also showed friends some letters that I had written him to demonstrate how I am nuts(begging your husband to work on the marriage is nuts?)
The best offer that I have now is a married surgeon who has offered to leave his wife. Not really something I am interested in,no no. Looking for knee-jerk & gut reaction

Serious question: What about what I wrote spells anger?

Answer 1

Speaking from experience on this one, so yes from me a serious answer....

My ex and I have been split up now since 2000, yet it is still fresh in my mind. I want it that way so as to not put myself in that sorta situation again.

As for your husband and you. My absolute suggestion I can say about this is to be the more mature one and not sink to his level. Be 100% professional about this. My ex and I when we first split were not mature about this. In fact we both acted like a$$es. But in hindsight, which is always 20/20, we both should have acted more mature about it. So, like I said, YOU need to be the more mature one here.

I would forego trying to act civil to him and just go the court route with alimony and child support. Its better for you and your children to get that documented. Its one thing to try and play fair and be nice. But lets face it, anytime a married couple splits, its never nice. So, get everything written in paper, and when it comes to communicating with him, invest in a small tape recorder and hit record every time you two have a conversation. Trust me on that one, especially if he is dragging your name through the mud.

But hey, thats just my advice.

Answer 2

Personally, I wouldnt not take him back. Cheating is a huge violation to me.

But, if you love him and think you can work things out, who is anyone to say what you should and shouldnt do, if it makes you happy.

Do you really think you can trust him again or is that going to be a huge strain on your relationship? I mean can you get past what he did.. if the answer is no, if it will always be in the back of your mind.. you will fail!

Sounds like he wanted to blame you for the relationship splitting in the first place, make it all your fault. I sincerely doubt that he is grown up enough to have changed in so little time.

Maybe he did realize the grass is not always greener and that he lost his "true love" or something like that. But, he sounds quite immature in the way he left you... basically he stabbed you in the back and made it your fault that he left and accused you of being a bad parent on top of it, with a drinking problem.

If you left him I can see his bitterness, but if he cheated and left... that is just odd...

I am all for being civil for the children though and I see nothing wrong with breakfast to talk about the KIDS... i doubt I would do much more than that though.

And HELLOOOOO... if you didnt like your hubby cheating on you, why on earth would you consider dating a married guy. That is just mean, you should know from experience..

Answer 3

Some people are saying it would be best for the kids if you worked things out with your husband. Why on earth would you want your kids to grow up thinking this is what marriage is suppose to be like. Maybe you can forgive him and put the past behind you. I couldn't. I would never trust him again. I would always wonder if he would cheat again. What good is a marriage without trust? Your kids would be affected by that. It sounds like his girlfriend got tired of him and you are his second choice. I know it's hard to give up someone you love even when they've hurt you, but sometimes it's necessary.

Answer 4

Well you obviously can't go for the surgeon who is already married. You don't want to be the other woman now, do you? Since there are children involved and you have worked things out with your husband through mediation (and are still married to him, I assume) then I suggest that you continue to go to marriage counselling together and have him tested for STDs. He went through a period of being a total sh!t but is hopefully trying to turn over a new leaf, which he can't do without help from you. The kids would benefit most from you two working things out.

Answer 5

I would tell him simply to Get Lost!!!
What?? His affair didn't work out so he wants back with you till the next one comes along?
I'd point out to him that you know about what he was telling people about your"drinking @ letters" and then tell him to take a hike.You would be "nuts" if you took him back.
Wise girl for not being interested in the surgeon.What goes around comes around and I'm sure you don;t want to hurt the surgeons wife as you were hurt.
Good Luck and God Bless.

Answer 6

I feel that he used you to look like the good one in your split even though everything you could have done before he left would have been wrong because he was already cheating. He used your pain and hurt anf anger against you by showing your letters ect.. and now he wants you to work it out with him? Don't be as immature as him and get what you need and your children need from him. but don't by any circumstances let him back in your heart because new wounds over scars hurt worse than the first wound. I wouldn't fall for the same thing that hurt you. its going to hurt the other mans wife like you wre hurt

Answer 7

Do NOT go backwards or yo-yo with this yo-yo!!! You owe it to your kids to be strong, get on with your life and make a stable environment for them (as stable as possible with your ex being around - I am assuming he has visitation). It might be hard sometimes because being with your husband was comfortable, but you have to fight those reactions and move on. He's not good enough for you if he's done all that you said. There is life on the other side of divorce and you don't need a man (or woman) to make you happy or complete! Good luck! :)

Answer 8

Hmmm, well I would take the invitation. That way you can figure out what you feel for this man. Even though he is your husband, he didnt act like one. And all that talk about you to everybody was to make himself look good, so people can overlook his infedility. dont pay much attention to that, its not true anyway. So he wants to work things out, funny maybe his mistress didnt make him so happy like he thought she would. So he regrets it now and wants to come back, nice. Typical of a man to commit such an action and regret it. But what do you want? Forget about the surgeon you already said you dont want him and anyway he is married and he is not leaving his wife. Another lie that men tend to use...
Ask yourself when you are having breakfast with your husband what do you feel for that man across the table? What do you see in his eyes? His body movements, ask God to help you make a decision, but its usually down to what you feel. Keep in mind that he is the father of your kids, and you married him, but he did cheat on you and leave you for another women. Can you even trust him again? Do you want to live like that again? You have already lived without him for a whole year, you can live without him for the rest of your life. He didnt value you before, why should he now? But people can change, and only you can see the change in him. Trust your intuition...
God Bless you and your children...

Answer 9

If you want to only!
He blew it when he left a good woman!

But the kids do need a good family life so think on them as well as yourself!

I would suggest 3rd party marriage counseling for you and him!

If he want a "PASS" he has to earn it ,but only if you want to give it !
If you do "FORGIVE AND FORGET" then you need to put this whole matter away so it does not come back into your lives!
Good Luck to you.

Answer 10

Sounds to me like he has the kids best interests in mind and I think you should too. What happened in the past between you and your husband needs to stay in the past and you really should work things out for the kids. No one is saying be best friends, but you should try to be amicable and try to create a sort of business like relationship. Your kids are the most important. You don't have to like him but you do need to work together.