I think I'm gender confused...help?

Question

I'm biologically a girl...all my life I've felt more like a boy. If you looked at pictures of me when I was little I looked like a boy. I would only wear boys clothes for a long time...with being a teenager my mom has sort of pressured me in to being more on the girly side of androgynous, which is as girly as I can get.

I like some parts of being a girl (straight girl, I love my boyfriend) but it sort of had to be trained in to me...

I'm also kind of ****** up. When my sister's out and the room we share is empty, I'll lock the door, get out my boy clothes (I don't wear boy skivvies) call myself "Matthew" and cry about how wrong both genders feel.

Being a girl has a few tugs but I don't really identify with it. Being a boy is stronger but I'm betraying my family and the guy I love if I go that way...

Counseling isn't an option, my family won't support CDing and I don't have my own room so I'd get found out.

Am I alone? Have other people resolved this issue? Am I a freak?

I relate to boys more, my friends would seriously sometimes forget I'm a girl, I was never interested in girl things, I expressed interest in a sex change when I was nine, and when left to my own devices for my hair, clothes and grooming I will naturally make myself look like a boy.

It seems like it should be straightforward but since I'm in love it's not.

I forgot to mention I'm 15.

Answer 1

I'm guessing you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents? I'm not suggesting you storm in and proclaim anything, but actually talk....tell your mom/dad/grandparent (whoever you have the most trust in) and telling them you are unhappy. Hopefully, they will re-consider their prior stance on counseling. I would hope they would be supportive. If that's not an option, how about a school counselor or a parent of one of your friends....I think you do need to talk. And it's okay to be confused, and even if you finally decide you are transgendered, it's okay too. (Though it will be a hard path to choose.) You are definitely not alone, and not a freak.

Answer 2

Believe me, you aren't alone in this. There are tons of other people who were born girls but feel like boys inside, even as they still like boys sexually and romantically. You aren't a freak- don't ever think that.

You're still pretty young- not to say that you're confused, at all, but if your family isn't supportive, then your best bet is to get some online help. As far as I can tell from your post, it sounds to me like you're what would be called a gay female-to-male (FtM) transsexual- you like boys, were born with a female body, but want to have a male one. (Although I would be more interested in knowing more about "how wrong both genders feel"). Even if you don't know yet that you want to take hormones and get surgery to make yourself into a boy, you do know that you want to present yourself as male, or at least more masculine. There are lots of places to help you; here are some:

http://www.glnh.org/index2.html (A free, national support hotline where you can talk openly and freely).

http://www.susans.org/Female_to_Male/more4.html (A list of different support sites).

http://xxboys.20six.fr/ (An awesome site with pictures of young transguys and their statements. Very enlightening, and not to mention hot- definitely goes to show that transmen can pass and look very sexy).

http://www.makemeaboy.org/ (A really good site with audio recordings from actual transmen, gay and straight, both. Their stories are very intimate and personal).

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=rhymeswithfry (Youtube.com video blog by one transman).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPBLYBIo0uw (Another great Youtube.com video, with the famous FtM Jamison Green)

And if you can find any of these books (you'd be surprised- some may be at your library; they were at mine, or else I requested them), they can be very helpful:

"Just Add Hormones" by Matt Kailey (the story of a straight woman who had a sex change to become a gay man, very uplifting).

"Becoming a Visible Man" by Jamison Green

"The Testosterone Files: My Hormonal and Social Transformation from Female to Male" by Max Wolf Valerio

"Both Sides Now: One Man's Journey Through Womanhood" by Dhillon Khosla

"The Mirror Makes No Sense" by Mark Angelo Cummings

There are a lot of other great resources out there- just do a lot of Googling and look around on Youtube.com. Until you turn 18 and can embrace a trans identity without your parents' approval, just pretend that you're a guy cross-dressing and try not to let it get you down. You're completely normal, and while it's hard, you can be happy in your identity.

I hope this helps, and feel free to message me if you have any more questions, or just need some support. Good luck.

Answer 3

at you age is it very normal to be sexual curious when you are a little older you will know for sure what sex you like, just wait to see what happens : )