My husband is a cop. His dad is a therapist. Recently my husband has been drinking alot at night to the point where he doesnt remember screaming at me, calling me names, and pushing me. He texts my friends at 1-2 am all sorts of text msgs.... in the past some have been dirty, and recently they have just been silly comments, things that dont make any sense. This only happens when he drinks! Other than that, he is an amazing husband and father to his daughter. (daughter is from a previous marriage) Anyways, He promised me he would get help. Talk to someone... anyone. I suggested his dad, and he said ok. That was friday night. This weekend he was off, and I thought he would do it then, but he didnt. So I called his dad and told his dad everything, and asked him to please let me know when he talks to him. I feel guilty for involving his dad, but I dont know what else to do. I told my hub if he doesnt get help, Im gone... and I mean it. Was I wrong?
2007-03-26 06:03:36 · 35 answers · asked by Tater Tott 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Tough call. Id say yes. If his dad is a therapist, maybe his dad can talk some sense into him especially if they are close. I hope all works out for you. Good luck
2007-03-26 06:05:58 · answer #1 · answered by Angel Eve 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
No, you were not wrong. Your seeking help, even if he isn't. I hope his dad can help.
If he does not stop, you need to leave, and you need to stand your ground and stay away. His first marriage may have failed due to the same reason. If he didn't learn from that, he probably won't learn at all, no matter how many times he promises you he won't do it agian.
Abusers do not generally stop abusing, at least none that I've ever heard of, and I've dealt directly with the public for 29 years.
Alcohol, however, does usually contribute to the problem. That sounds like the base of your problem.
If your husband doesn't believe you when you tell him of his behavior, get a tape recorder and hide it. Next time when his drinking starts getting out of hand, turn it on and the next day play it back to him. He will not appreciate you did it, but that will wear off and he'll have to believe what the tape plays back. Then if he doesn't adjust his behavior, you should not waste any more of your life on him, love or not. It will only get worse if it isn't stopped.
Abusers, unfortunately, will blame their bad behavior on you... "I only did this because you did/said this..." after that wears off, then they'll make unlimited promises they'll never do it again, then promises they'll seek treatment, and on and on and on. It's always an excuse or a way to stall you from leaving. In the meantime, your self esteem gets lowered, you have their child thinking that will help when it only makes you more dependent on them. You'll live a life of being abused. Seek help, get knowledge on the signs, then take action (i.e. leaving).
Best of luck to you.
2007-03-26 06:21:35 · answer #2 · answered by Copper Jan 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope, not at all. You did the right thing. He needs help and since his dad is a therapist, that's a great idea. If your husband starts making excuses on why he doesn't do anything about it or turns out he just doesn't want to; that's a whole other issue alone. You and the kids deserve to have a good father in their lives. Let him know this, not making him feel guilty, but just by giving him facts and examples and that that kind of lifestyle isn't healthy and not fair to his famiy. Best Wishes!
2007-03-26 06:30:55 · answer #3 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As a police officer he should know that it is not right to abuse your spouse. He may not be beating you but there are all kinds of abuse and it seems to me that he needs to get some rehabilitation for his drinking. I think you were wrong getting his dad involved because I think you should be calling a shelter. I understand why you called his dad. You don't want to tarnish his career. BUT if he is that way with you how do you know he won't expand that behaviour. There is no excuse for a police officer to set such a bad example. If he were my husband I would just leave. What happens if he beats you and you have to call the police? Do you think the force would go against him? Or defend you?Not to mention, give an abuser a gun, he'll use it!
2007-03-26 06:14:52 · answer #4 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are wrong, if your father in law is a therapist he is the perfect person to talk to your husband, as a father and a professional, you should not worry if you were wrong or not, you should be worried about your safety, I think you should move out, if after getting help he changes you can go back if you wish but right now, living under the same roof might not be the smartest thing to do.
2007-03-26 06:16:28 · answer #5 · answered by AleOmar 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You did teh right thing for two reasons:
1) he certainly needs help, he might get into trouble, and of course this is visible when he behaves one way when he's sober and another when he's drunk. If his dad is a therapist it might be easier for him to open up because he might trust him. In the worst case, his dad might know someone reliable to treat him if it can't be possible as father - son.
2) it good that you told his family, because you have alerted them on what's going on and if one day things get real rough it won't be liek you're making everything up.
You're doing the right thing...
I hope everything gets better
2007-03-26 06:11:02 · answer #6 · answered by monique_ds 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!!!!
YOU NEED TO LEAVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT.
your husband is a cop and should know better!
if he texts your friends and says certain things i would have some doubts and not only that i would be so embarrassed and that would be the last straw! it would have tooken one time and that is it, i would be gone. screw him and leave he does not deserve you and ALCOHOL is just an excuse for a person to use. ALCOHOL make people tell you the truth and the real you comes out!!!!
leave him before it gets worst.
if my husband texts my friends "heck no" bye bye husband! that is totally disrespectful. i wish you the best of luck
2007-03-26 06:11:55 · answer #7 · answered by Jdez 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say you should not make his family involved even tought he is a therapist, his father. It is always good to ask a thrid part from out side to get involved adn some one professional if you think you can not handle him any more or his drinking problem is getting into your life.Hid adad may not use his professional knowledge to solve his own son's problem. Usually family have take their own sons or their own kids sons when thigns get difficult adn you will not be able to use any thing in the future in court because he can censore it if he wants to or even use it against you.He has a child, I do not think he would want to loose his chid either.Take care and get as much out side help as you can including family lawyer without letting yoru husband find out.
2007-03-26 06:10:56 · answer #8 · answered by S.E.E.N 1 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No, I don't think you were wrong, My husband is the same way, but remember's, & most of the time, no remorse! I have no family to turn to, all out of state, Mom died, no dad-I'm 40yr. & put up w/ this C***!! insane, I know, but, also ill right now.Get ALL the help you can!! Mine once agreed on therapy, then the topic has vanished! Please get the help, since you can, I know how bad it feel's to live like that! good luck to you!!especially if he physically hurt's you, both are bad-some scar's you see, some you don't!!
2007-03-26 07:30:35 · answer #9 · answered by mgle3 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you are not wrong. Be careful, physical abuse is nothing to joke about and since you have said your husband is a cop, I am assuming he has weapons in the house. Try to avoid confrontations with him and you might want to consider separating until you can see some progress in his treatment. You need to think of yourself.
2007-03-26 06:11:11 · answer #10 · answered by deb 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋