am i doing wrong ?

Question

Im 13 & my mum died in november 2005.
my mum died whilst my dad and her were divorving, they were divorcing because my dad had an affair, my mum told me when she was alive that if i met the lady then it would kill her, and i know that my mum HATED her cos' she'd cry about it everynight..


Anyway, about 2 months after my mums death i decided to meet the lady... now my dad and her are together..
but my older brother of 18 says he HATES her cos' she caused my mum heartache?

Am i in the wrong for even meeting her ?
cos' i get on really well with her..

Answer 1

I don't think you are doing anything wrong either, like so many of the other people who have answered your question.

I think you are being very grown up about this situation. You loved your mom and you love your dad..

Relationships between moms and dads can be awful complicated sometimes. When marriages break down, if it's dad's that leave for other women it's the 'other woman' that gets the blame for the break up.. and it's just the same for moms..

Sometimes moms and dads fall out of love.. it doesn't mean that your dad didn't love your mom at all.. he probably loved her in a different way.. but it is not entirely the fault of his new partner that caused the break up.. your dad must have had a really good reason to want to leave your mom.. and believe me he would have been sad about it too.. Love for a person who you have been with for a long time just doesn't switch off.. but it can change.

I'm so sorry that your mom died.. and that she died still being so upset about your dad's decision to leave. Had your mom still been around, she may have had time to reflect on the reasons why he left and may have come to terms with it, or she may not have come to terms with it depending on how deeply she loved him and how much he hurt her in leaving her.

Honey, if your dad had stayed with your mom he would have been hurting himself and deceiving your mom.. in the end she would have been hurting also, so the situation would perhaps still have happened. In the end it would have been just as devastating for your mom and you and your brother.

If your dad hadn't met this lady and his feelings for your mom were still that he wasn't really in love with her anymore, perhaps another lady would have come along and he would have left with her.

You and your dad's new lady have one thing in common.. you both love your dad.. and so you should.. He obviously still loves you..

His new lady can never replace your mom honey, but she can be a friend.. a shoulder to cry on when times are tough and someone to confide in when you need a helping hand.

Your mom, like many of us may have said things out of pure hurt and anger at your dad's leaving.. her loss would have been very raw to her at that time.. I think she would be very proud of you now.. proud that you can forgive where she couldn't.. it also proves that she brought you up with well balanced views and good morals.

Your brother is still angry with your dad at the moment. He needs to understand that it takes two to make a relationship and two to break it.. Although your dad's new partner is partly to blame for the break up so was your mom and your dad.. If things were fine between your mom and dad, no one would have tempted him away.

He will realise this as he gets older. Meanwhile, I think you should continue to build on the relationship with your dad and his new partner.. and through you perhaps your brother can learn forgiveness.

Good luck honey..

Answer 2

I dont think your wrong. A situation happened with my sister and I, although we were a lot older than you, whereby Mum died and dad found someone else (which incidentally didnt last). My sister was against the lady from the start (hadn't even spoken to her) and I met her and like you say we got on well. You never know someone until you've met and spoke to them. No this may sound a bit harsh, but there was obviously a reason why your Dad had the affair in the first place, maybe thinks just werent going right with your Mum at the time and when alls said and done it does take two people to have the affair.

Know its not quite the same situation as yours but the principle's the same

Answer 3

How your mum and dad got on and what happened is nothing to do with you honey, just know that they both love you very very much. If your dad is happy with this other lady and she likes you and you get on then that is better than a mum and dad arguing and being miserable together. I'm sorry you lost your mum. I'm sure that your mum would want you and your brother to be as happy as it is humanly possible to be. Your brother is wrong. It was your mum and dad, as well as this other lady that caused the heartache. Sometimes adults do really stupid childish things instead of talking to one another. The things in the past cannot be changed so you must look to the future and heal your own heartache. I'm absolutely certain that your mum is looking down on you with a loving smile and pride at how her daughter is coping with this awful situation. I wish i could click my fingers and make it go away for you but i cant. My girlfriends( aged 28) mum(aged just 49) died 2 years ago and she found it really hard to cope at first but she's fine now although she misses her terribly and still cries now and then. I know what you're going through. Just hang in there chicken, Things will work out ok.

Answer 4

First, I'm sorry that you lost your mom. I have no idea what that must be like, especially at 13.

I am sorry that your mother and father were having marriage problems, and that your father had an affair (I also hate that you have had to learn what all this means first hand). However, you cannot be held responsible for what your parents do or did. You have met "the other woman" and seem to like her. Do not feel guilty about this. She caused your mother pain, and that is a shame. However, you're liking her, now, in the present, won't hurt your mother, or the memory of her. Keep her in your heart always and cherish those memories. I do think it would be okay to make some new ones with your father. And if he's girlfriend is there, then be cordial and kind. With time things may become better with everyone involved, including your brother. If your brother gives you trouble over this, ask him to be patient with you, as you are trying to make the best of an uncomfortable situation.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry to hear about your mum.
She was probably so annoyed with your father at the time she said she didn't want you to meet her,but in time she would have got over the pain and maybe meet a new man of her own, Sadly you will never know.
You have lost your mother and you need a parent around so i dont think you have to forgive either of them but maybe now is the best time to put the past behind you.
I think you are doing the right thing,and even if your mother is looking down on you now i'm sure she will feel the same way.
In time your brother will come round too,In this day and age people have affairs all the time(which is wrong)but noone expects this to happen.
I'm sure they are both deeply sorry,Maybe an appology would help from both of them.
You sound great,carry on as you are,and dont let anyone tell u any different.x

Answer 6

I'm sorry to hear about your mum.

I think as you start to grow up you will realise that there are things that happen in relationships and even in your parents marriage that you are not aware of when you were a kid. Yes, your dad did wrong in having an affair and your mum was right to feel angry about that. But the chances are that its not as cut and dried as that, happy people don't generally have affairs. Your dad was divorcing your mum because he had met someone who made his life substantially better than she did and that can be a very hard thing to take.

I think that if this lady is making your dad happy and treats you well there is no wrong in meeting her. Yes she may have added to your mum's heartache but I suspect that she also brought at least some of it on herself - I'm sorry if that sounds disrespectful as she is no longer with us but that is what I think.

You are growing up into an intlligent and thoughtful young lady and part of that is making your own decisions and realising that, even thought they have our best interests at heart, parents are sometimes wrong.

Answer 7

I know your mum would of been in alot of pain to start with over your dads deceit , but given time she would of made a new life for herself and eventually calmed down .Am very sorry for the loss of your mum and that sadly she obviously died with bad thoughts of your dad . But if you are happy to now move on and have a relationship with her and your dad then I think you should carry on . Your mum would of only wanted you to move on and have a happy life . Hope your brother comes around as well for all your sakes , but especially your dad who probably feels guilt for this . Best wishes to you all . x

Answer 8

I think ultimately you need to make peace with your Dad and this woman. You do not need to forgive her but I can't imagine your Mum would have wanted you to be miserable trying to hate this woman. There is a way of simply keeping the peace without getting all chummy and feeling like you are doing a diservice to your Mum.

Answer 9

no, certainly not wrong! no matter if your mom have hatred for that lady, i think its not the lady that cause her heartache its the reason your dad had an affair. i know how it feel my mom has an affair...but anyhow, its not wrong for you to meet the lady nor get along with her. its your opinion and yoru thoughts on what you think of the lady, even if its your mom said it would kill her if she love you i'm sure she'll understand...and no one can tell you if you should hate or not. also, dont hold any grudge on the lady even if she "cause" heartache to your mom.

Answer 10

give her a chance, nobody is free of meeting another person and falling in love even if they didn´t want this to happen...otherwise there wouldn´t be so many divorces and break-ups. your mum was sore and that´s very understandable but she shouldn´t have said anything to you and you´re brother, it´s the worst thing anyone can do, get their children involved in a battle. If you´d like to get to know this woman do it, if you like her great and if you don´t you won´t lose anything...your brother should understand this too, perhaps after having some relationships of his own he´ll understand that sometimes we don´t chose our destiny, sometimes it just happens. sorry to hear about your mum´s bereavement my dad died in 2005 aswell, so i know what it´s like. chin up and live life