Death of a friend has changed him.?

Question

My boyfriends friend of 20 years passed away last week. His friend predicted last month he wouldn't last more than a month due to all the stress he had. He was laid off, his wife didn't want to find a job, his stepdaughter and stepson both stood home without working. He was afraid of loosing his home and then he had a heart attack and dies.
my boyfriend of 7 years has not spoken to me since he heard about his friends death, he's been giving me the cold shoulder and staying out all day without any calling or talking to me. I approached him very nicely and asked him if there was something I can do and there was no response. I overheard him talking to his friend that he wanted to be on his own and do things on his own. I'm trying to be nice and figure all this out, I know he's in mourning, but I am beside myself, not knowing what to do? I'm trying to be patient but I can't take the cold shoulder anymore and if he doesn't want to be with me anymore, then why not tell me?

Answer 1

Boy, that is a tough one given the amount of time you have invested in this relationship. Your BF clearly is having troubles dealing w/his grief, and it would appear you are getting the brunt of it. I suggest you lay low for a couple of weeks (easy for me to say, huh?) - no calls or visits. Maybe send a short card saying you know he is hurting and that you are there for him. Attend the funeral/memorial service, on your own and be attentive to the deceased man's survivors. And be prepared to give up this relationship. This episode says volumes about your BF's ability to relate to other people and ability to be respectful of you and the years you have spent together. This death, as tragic as it is, could end up being a blessing to you in disguise.

Answer 2

You really are in a hard situation. If you have made sure that he knows you are there for him then there really isn't a lot more you can do. You could try going away for a weekend to your family or friends and give him the space that he needs but when you come back and if he is still giving you the cold shoulder then he really needs some help. He can't keep pushing you away like this because it isn't good for either of you and most of all your partner. I wish you good luck and hope it sorts itself out.

Answer 3

I am not sure that it REALLY has to do with you. I think you're right on that he is mourning the death of his friend. Everybody mourns in different ways. At the same time it isn't fair to you to get the cold shoulder either. I think for right now, just be there for him when he needs you. Try not to be smothering toward him....not saying that you are...but give him extra space. But I wouldn't allow him to treat you like this forever, but just try and be understanding for right now. Good Luck with everything.

Answer 4

what you need to do is tell him that you can be there for him when he needs it. Tell him that you don't want him to hurt and you don't want him to hurt. If he don't talk to you then you need to back off and tell him that you are goin' to leave for awhile so he can have time to hisself. When he is ready to get back with you.
You'll know it. A time of death of a friend of 20 years really hurts. I lost my friend of 3 years about 10 months ago. It took me almost 3 months to get over her death. But I still love her. So it will take a while before he is better. Just don't break up with him. Good Luck!

Answer 5

This is not about you, give him the space he needs. People react to death differently, I would suggest saying to him that you are there for him, and when he feels ready to talk then he can call you, but otherwise I would respect that he wants time on his own and don't harass him. It's not that he is ignoring you, it is that he is trying to come to terms with a great loss.

Answer 6

I think you have to remember that it's still early days for him in this process, and that 20 years is a very long time. I know if I lost one of my close friends it would devestate me.

Also, there is a difference between him wanting to be alone and him wanting to be single. Help him where you can but try to remember that he is having a tough time, and don't add to his problems. He'll speak when he's ready.

Answer 7

well he sees that his friend was not happy and it makes him think that maybe he isnt happy. so he wants to change things now before they get like his friends life. he doesnt know how to tell you that he doesnt want to end up like his friend in a nice way , so he is ignoring you and hope you get the hint. i say stay away from him for a while and let him "get over" what he thinks is really bothering him. the deat of his friend. just because your friend was not happy in his relationship and life doesnt mean it will happen to you. everyone is different and everything we do and how we react to things is different. i suggest you give him his space and let him snap out of whatever he is thinking , he will missyou and apologize that he has been ignoring you, but be understanding not upset....good luck.

Answer 8

I've been in your boyfriends shoes before. I lost my great grandma! All my friends and family kept trying to talk to me and get me through it. But all i wanted was to be alone and sort things out for myself. I mean i know my family was going through the samething that i was but i wanted to be alone. I felt really bad for my boyfriend becuase he would try to comfort me or hold me and tell me everything was going to be alright but i kept pushing him away becuase i needed to deal with it. So my advise to you is just give him his space. When he is ready to talk to you he will come to you. Dont try to pressure him to talking to you or anything. Just let him deal with this and i can promise you he will come to you when he is ready!

Answer 9

death can change a lot of things that were so perfect before! he might have changed and come apart from you sadly. but later he might find a whole new life. you just have to give it time. my teacher lost her mom in fifth grade! she said that she couldnt concentrate on anything for a long time! give him space and pray!

Answer 10

tis is not about you girl. tis is about your boyfriend. gave him space. let him be by myself. let him deal on tis on his own. when he needs you, he'll come to you.