So, I'm 21 and I'm in love with a 28 year old. We have a really good relationship...he tries to do everything he can for me and treats me like a princess, but I am having trouble getting over his past. He's been married twice and he never seems to acknowledge anything that went wrong as being HIS fault...he just says he shouldn't have married them in the first place. He has a nine year old daughter from his first marriage. He was really young and got married because she was pregnant. He doesn't see his daughter or pay child support because he said he doesn't trust what the mom would do with the money. It bothers me that he doesn't seem to feel guilty about not taking care of his daughter even though he is going to visit her in a few weeks. I love him...but I know I could do "better". I know that whatever decision I make here I'm gonna have to deal with for the rest of my life, and I want it to be the right one. Am I right to be worried, or should I just leave his past up to him?
2007-03-26 05:08:50 · 14 answers · asked by Susie Q 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I think you are right to be worried. A common saying is if he does it once, he will do it again. Just be careful.
2007-03-26 05:12:30 · answer #1 · answered by Nikki 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't ever stay with a man hoping that he will change. It is your life and your decision to make but, in my opinion, his answers regarding support and visitation make me sick.! If he doesn't trust the mother with the money he should physically go out with his daughter and take her on a shopping spree for things she needs. Regardless, she needs clothing, food, dental checkups, medicines. So what is the excuse for not seeing his daughter!"Deadbeat Dad!
Do you want a man with those kind of morals as your "significant other".? It seems to me that at 28 years old he SHOULD have his priorities straight. I say "You can do much better than that".
Being married twice already shows a severe lack of commitment on his part too. It takes 2 to make things work and it takes 2 to tango. You can bet he had a big part to do with why those other marriages didn't work.
My advice is simple. Move on. There are lots more fish in the sea.
2007-03-26 05:21:01 · answer #2 · answered by ? 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm 26 and my husband is 40. We've been married for almost 3 years and he has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships. We get 2 of his children every other weekend and the other 1 we see maybe every summer....depending on when his ex-wife goes to get her....however, he does pay child support for her. Strange situation I know. It is a very hard life to live being a step-parent, because you always have the other half of the equation to deal with and they NEVER go away. You have to know that you don't know the entire situation and never will. There may be other factors in the matter that he hasn't told you and shouldn't have to about why he doesn't pay child support and what went wrong in his other marriages.
You have to look at how badly you want to be with this man and just how much you love him. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, then you have to let his past be his past. Whatever happened before you, was just that, BEFORE YOU.. and it shouldn't concern you. You would have to learn to let that go. As far as his child goes, you would have to know that whether or not you agree with the way things are or not, he is the one to ultimately make any decisions where that is concerned and that's just the way it is. He will have to deal with anything he feels becasue of it. He may feel things about it that you have no idea about, but he has learned to deal with his feelings about it all because of what has happened... You have to evaluate yourself and your relationship with him so that you will know if these are things you want to deal with. For my husband, none of the things from his past have anything to do with me and I let it be that way. As for what happens with his children, I give him my opinion and he listens, but he will make up his own mind. I can only control what happens with our child and the rest is up to him. I am only here to help and support him if he needs me.
Hope this helps...
2007-03-26 05:22:58 · answer #3 · answered by T 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You said it when you said you could do better. What a slim not paying child support and seeing his daughter. He shouldn't be concerned about what happens to the money becasue he has no control over that part of it. He should be concerned over fulfilling his obligation to his daugter and doing his part by paying the support. The fact he hasn't seen his daughter should be enough to detere you from. As a mother I am telling you there is nothing that would keep me from my kids. You already know in your heart that this relationship isn't good and that he has been married twice for good reason. Listen to your gut and follow through with it.
2007-03-26 05:22:52 · answer #4 · answered by Jewells 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like a scam to me. Think about it. He did not sign away his parental rights but also does not pay child support.
I would question that "going to see daughter in a couple of weeks" routine. Why is he seeing her if you started with "he does not see his daughter or pay child support?".
Someone I know is in the same situation and the guy has dissociative disorder and his situations are screwy. That is the only word to discribe his mental illness. He also was married twice and two kids who he pays child support. Plus two more.
The princess part will end when you get your head in reality.
I know that is mean to say but he sounds like he wants his own made up world to exist.
Please do better.
2007-03-26 05:19:50 · answer #5 · answered by Patches6 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like it's not his past you're worried about - but that it's his general attitude that bothers you, and you're right to take note of that. Don't feel that just because you entered this relationship you must stay with him for the rest of your life. Facing the problems early on is the right thing to do, and it's ok to feel that certain character traits you cannot tolerate long-term. He is not the last guy you will ever meet; every relationship teaches us more about ourselves and about what we're looking for in a mate - and eventually you will meet a person you can feel more confident about. Don't be afraid to say - no, this won't work for me. Not every relationship works out, it's a part of life. You have to learn to move on.
2007-03-26 05:27:31 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
One look at it as a whole one he is young and been married twice and he has a child that he doesn't take care of sometimes you have to look at a person past to know what you are getting in to the past tells a lot about a person .It's on you if you stay just pay attn
be safe
2007-03-26 05:20:36 · answer #7 · answered by funnybunny 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well im kinda in the same boat as you. But my boyfriend is still going through the divorce so its hard because no one can really know what exactly we are to one another which really sucks bc he will be accused of cheating. Which totally isnt fair because the reason there getting a divorce is beause they fell out of love and that she cheated. But I would set him down and talk to him. Ryan has a one year old daughter and i'm always telling him how i feel and stating my feelings and what i think. That is all you can do. But see all my friends kept telling me that ryan and i werent going to work out. But where doing just fine! But my advise to you is set him down and talk to him and tell him what you think! Good luck
2007-03-26 05:24:49 · answer #8 · answered by Janie L 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm floored you would even consider staying with this guy.
If you weren't in love with him, and you know his charectar, would you give him the time of day?
If your sister, or best friend, told you her man was like this, unrepentant, blind to her emotions, practically a woman hater, what would you tell her?
AND BEFORE YOU THINK I'M EXAGERATING, LISTEN TO THE VOICE OF EXPERIENCE. He treats you like a princess now because you are seeing the mask, the facade. Once you move in with him or marry him that mas will FALL SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN. If your gut is giving you warnings about him PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR GUT AND DON'T do what I did, I ignored the red flags and wasted 5 years.
Even if I'm wayyyy off... think about what I said and please be careful.
2007-03-26 05:28:32 · answer #9 · answered by Ade 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are already doubting this man,otherwise you wouldn't be asking us for our opinion!!
Just knowing that he dont dee his OWN daughter tells u enough, Maybe one day u will get pregnant and he may do the same to you.
Get rid of him before its too late.
Good luck, your worth more.
2007-03-26 05:36:48 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋