Am i worth another chance after cheating my wife?

Question

I cheated my wife when she went out from the country indefinetly and came back after 3 months. I did not tell her, she found it out by herself. since almost 10 montrh now, we still argue, and you can imagine how life is. yes she did loose her trust, but i will not do it again specialy we have a baby boy now, and i am visiting a psycholigist. I am sorry i hurt her, but i am fed up with the same argument which leads nowhere but to the previous fights. She wants to dig every second of that time, and we did several times till now, and me, well i just want to move on already. Am i asking too much? Just to let you know, we have 2 good days and directly after 2 bad weeks, so 26 days of the months we almost don't talk, not because of something new, just because i refuse to go in the same discussion again and again! I am becoming nervous more than i usualy am, and i am going crazy and i really cannot support the situation anymore. Your answers will be read by both of us, please think and write

Answer 1

Fidelity is a huge issue in the marriage. You basically had sex with another owman for whatever reason you felt.

You may honestly never regaint hat trust, but it doesn;t get better by contant reminders of it.

You have to be given the chance to show that you can be trusted again. She has to let it; otehrwise, you both might as well call it wuits.

Keep in mind, however, that for many folks "once a cheater, always a cheater" is a tough obsticle to overcome. Certainly if you do it again, you deserve whatever punishment you have earned. Let us see if you can do what it takes to keep that nose clean

Answer 2

You, first of all, have to figure out why you cheated. Then you have to think about the way your wife found out. What would you think is worse, you cheating, or her finding out from someone else? She has to ask herself if she can forgive you. It would seem as though she loves you, because if she didn't, she would not have even made an effort to stay. If her answer is no, the best thing would be to separate. I'm not going to say forgiveness will come right away, or even that much later, but there must be something that is reminding her of the fact that you cheated. I think you both need to sit down with each other, and then a professional. There are issues that won't be resolved, and she will need something to help her with her grief, depression, anger, feelings of worthlessness, etc. If the two of you can get through this, I cheer for you.

Answer 3

This is a huge issue. I have actually just went through the same thing about 4 months ago. I use to say if my husband ever cheated on me it would be over, but once it does happen and there are children involved things change. It does take time. For some more than others. It is a very hard thing to overcome. I beleive that you both need to go to counseling to find out why you did it because there is always a reason of why it happened. If you need to do a few sessions on your own that is fine and then have your wife join in. You both need to be a part of conseling, not just you if she wants to work things out she should be willing to go also. Maybe you can find out why she won't put this behind her. If she keeps reminding you day after day, maybe she won't ever be able to trust you again. It is difficult and you have to be patient with her as well as her being patient with you. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well obviously the trust was broken and thats one thing that sometimes never comes back and if it does it usually takes a long time.

You can say you won't do it all you want but what if she needs to go out of the country again or what if all this fighting leads to you being unfaithful again.

What someone has to realize is that its not just about the physical act of the cheating. Its not that she just can't trust you. You broke her heart. When someone cheats on you you feel inadiquete. You feel like your not good enough. That runs through your head constantly. So shes looking at you or something you do and it trigers that and she feels helpless so she lashes out at you because shes still hurting and shes angry.

I would reccomend that she get seperate counseling and you both get counseling together.

You will have to deal with this punishment for awhile. Kharma's a b*tch like they say.

But unless shes ready to let this go or deal with it in the proper way it will never go away even if some of those bad days turn into good ones.

I would sit her down and say listen I know I did wrong I'm willing to accept that I have been trying to prove that I will not do it again and that I love you but honestly all this fighting is tearing us apart and we need to go get counseling and I think you should too to help you with what your feeling after I did this to you.

And if she has been cheated on before this makes it worse and by the by I know people always say their better off not knowing so cheaters dont tell but when you find out other then the person that did it to you it makes it alot worse.

Answer 5

I was in your wife's position a few year's ago, only our children were grown & married. It's very hard to regain trust when the partner has cheated. It's also very hard to get past the "affair." Your wife is hurting very deeply & rightfully so. I think at this point, you both should be seeing a marriage counselor together. It's a step in the right direction. I can understand where you're coming from too, with the fighting that is going on between your wife & you. It can't be a very happy home for either of you. If you two, can honestly tell each other that you still love each other, then the marriage is worth salvaging. Your wife needs to stop referring to the affair, as hard as it may be. It's something that will never be forgotten, but in order for you two to move on, she has to try somehow, to get passed it, if you two are to ever going to truly reconcile. Counseling will help, & make sure you both go & give it time. If your wife refuses to go, then the situation will never get any better. For the sake of your baby boy, you two need to do all that you can to make the marriage work. To your wife, I can only say, stop throwing the affair up in your husband's face. He says he's sorry he did it, so stop punishing him daily. The pain of being cheated on goes very deep, but now it's time to begin the healing process before bitterness & hatred set in. Get counseling & take it a day at a time. Just remember, your husband knows how badly he hurt you but try to move on. If you can't get past it, then you may as well go your seperate ways. I wish you both, the very best of luck.

Answer 6

This is the price you pay for breaking someone's trust. Sometimes people just cannot get over it.
Perhaps you need some professional counselling to help you both. You clearly do love each other, so why not give it a try?
Your wife is dreadfully hurt and she has to learn to trust you again. She also has to learn not to bring it up continually, but the damage you have done is very great. It might be beyond her - you might just be asking too much.
Get some help - a good marriage is worth hanging in there for and sometimes one mistake shouldn't the end all of the good times you both will have.
Concentrate on this, too - when your son gets married, do you want to be there as a couple? When he's ill, do you want to be at his bedside, together? You've got somethng to work for - every child deserves a happy home.
But you do need help to get it. Good luck.

Answer 7

Well, honestly, I have friends who are going through this themselves. It's time I think for the both of you to seek counseling as a couple and also individually, even though you are which is a good thing, it's time for her to see one too. This way, the marriage counseling can dive in and help what happened in the marriage and why you cheated, and when she sees one on her own; this will help how she feels towards you, the situation as a whole, and how she sees others. The friends I have; this happened two years ago, he's proven to her that she can trust him etc..and she's still very upset, bitter and angry about it. She refuses to seek therapy and he's asked her too and the both. So I high recommend that if you can to do so =) otherwise one of you will most likely always be unhappy; your wife is doing the same thing his wife is doing, and she's miserable. I can't even talk to her anymore because that's all she talks about and looks for answeres from others.

Answer 8

Just remember, YOU were the one that cheated and SHE is the innocent bystander. I can understand how fights will lead back to this discussion, it's the upper most important thing on her mind and will be for some time. You know you don't plan on doing it again, but ask yourself, why did you do it in the first place? I think the two of you need to go to marriage counseling and see if there's something to save in your marriage. You must be honest and both of you need say what you feel and get it all out in the open.

Answer 9

I would walk but that is easyer said than done when u are in these situations. If you love her and want it to work you must be able to trust her and really forgive her and move on. I think in most cases this is the begining of the end of a marriage. But if u want to try I would sit her down and say u are going to try and she must prove herslf to you again to earn back your trust, Then give it six months a year maybe and see how you feel and how much of an effort she has made to gain your trust. If then you still feel the same about her and trust her it maybe time to call it a day no matter how much it will hurt as the longer it goes on the worse it will be and the more of your life you are wasting. Good Luck

Answer 10

HI,I commend you for trying to work it out.I have been the cheater and the cheated in my first marriage.He cheated first.He was always accused me of be the one when it was him.By the time that I actually foud out the truth there was nothing there and I just didn't care anymore.

What hurts her the most is that she had to find out on her own.My current husband did something that he wasn't suppose to do on the internet.I was really hurt.I found out when I looked at his email for something ele and saw the evidence.He tried to say it wasn't him and that added fuel to the fire.I lost a lot of trust.Because I've been there before and I just can't go there again.I think he just had a moment of weekness and I am going to pray that I can work through.

It sounds like the both of you need closure,because something had died here and that the way things use to be.Try to go to conseling the best would be at your local church believe it or no they won't be so judgemential.Try to do both togther and seperate conseling.It very inexpensive at the church most are around 30.00 per sesseion not per hour.

Never stay together just because you have kids.Its not heaklthy for anyone.You both sound like awesome people and I'll bet you still be that togther or not.

I'll pray for you guys best of luck