Do I stay or do I go?

Question

I have been married for 10 years.I work full time and I go to school full time.I take care of my daughter,clean and cook.My husband does not help at all.I have talked about it,but nothing changes.He came back from a trip and told me why I did not cut the grass.He is always telling me what I do wrong and when I confront him he says he did not say that.Its driving me nuts.Everything is my fault,I am worried that I am starting to believe what he says,that I am somehow always at fault.I tried changing things but at times I just dont think I am that bad of a person.He makes me feel guilty if I spend money on food.I dont know what to do,I dont make much money so it would be hard to get by.I could wait until I finish school.I just dont know.
Please no remaks on my spelling.Thank you

Answer 1

Tough it out until you finish school and get a good job...
Then it is time to demand some changes..

Answer 2

Lots of people leave a relationship thinking there is something better out there. In "most" cases theirs not.

Only you know in your heart what is best, but if you still love him, you dont want to regret the future.

Are you a housewife? Most men, do expect women to do the work around the house (well not the lawn mowing) because its how they were raised, and no matter if they are sexist or not, its just habbit of it. So this is common in most men. But maybe I am just accepting of it. Because my father was like that. And now I am a housewife, and if my spouse is working 12 hours a day, I am going to do things around the house so he doesnt have to.

Now when he first started going back to work, he would make comments why the dishes werent done, at first it really hurt me, and I felt kind of like you were describing it. And then I just started telling him where he could shove it. And that he may be working 12 hours a day 5 days a week, but my job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. There is no day off for me, the house always has to be cleaned, the baby always needs to be taken care of. I dont get breaks or days off, and if I dont feel like doing the dishes one day, its more work for me tomorrow, and thats my decision not his.

And now he doesnt say anything about the household anymore.

If you really think hes being controlling and emotionally abusive, I would confront him and try counciling. But only YOU know how bad it really is and what needs to be done.

And if finishing your school is important, then finish your school, and say ok if my relationship isnt better by the time I finish school then I will leave. And work on your relationship, but dont just say once I am done my school I am so out of here. You will just continue being miserable. And atleast the first way you wont regret anything, because you will know you tried your hardest.

Answer 3

As much as I can understand your delima, you going to school full time and also working full time does not sound like a good plan if you want to make your marriage work and also to make sure your daughter is not neglected. Your husband for some reason as learned to put all the burdens on you, and it might be because in the past you have gotten him used to it. You both need to have a serious talk about what direction all of this is taking the marriage. You need to cut down on some of the time you are spending away from home and he needs to see how unfair his behaviour has been towards you. Without doing this, I feel your marriage is doomed for failure. Remember, children and marriage first, educations and other things second. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

This guy is at the bottom of the food chain. And you should consider finding yourself someplace to live and leave this marriage.

Look, I believe in marriage. And I believe that we should do all that we can to make a marriage work, but when one of the spouses is just not willing to make it work, then all that you do will not make it work.

Also, you need to leave this man because you are a victim of abuse. He may not raise his hand to you, but he IS abusing you mentally. You are too special to keep taking this abuse.

There are advocacy groups in your area who will help you find a place to stay. There may be some government-assisted housing where you can go so that you can start rebuilding your life WITHOUT this man.

Also be aware that you may have to do this behind his back. Usually, people who are controlling and abusive like this, will flip out when they find out what you are doing. The best thing that you can do is to get everything set up, and then one day when he is off at work or on one of his "trips" you pack up the house -- and I mean "everything" -- and move out. Don't leave a note or any indication of where you will be.

And, if all you have told us is really true, then nothing is your fault -- not even when you move out on him. He has dug a hole for himself and you are not to blame.

Good luck and surround yourself with family and friends as you try to build yourself a new life WITHOUT this person.

Answer 5

HA! Wow! I'm amazed you haven't left already. I know...I know...there are thousands of execuses probably-but they're just that-excuses.

What he does is a kind of abuse.

One's own happiness is the most rational pursuit in existence. You may be poor or have to put off school for a bit but the quality of life will improve. Plus, you never know how much of it you have left (life that is). You could go next week. Which would be better if you do? Poor and happy or set and unhappy?

Answer 6

Does he contribute anything? Is he even a good companion to your daughter? I've reread your note a couple times and can't figure out why you even consider staying. If he's a complete burden, separate and send him on his way. During the separation he doesn't show any initiative, then sounds like you have your answer.

Answer 7

He needs to grow up, it sounds like. There is a communication pattern here that needs to be broken, but it sounds like he doesn't want to try. For awhile, try to work on yourself and sort through the issues and try to have fun and not let his immaturity get in your head. Take care.

Answer 8

Take out an insurance policy on him and arrange for a little "accident" when youre at work or otherwise have an alibi. Then, Maui.

Answer 9

Well, I guess that is a very personal choice. Although I cannot tell you what to do, my advice will be that you need to get some professional advice. If that doesn't work, then, you have to take your decision. Good luck, God bless.

Answer 10

You don't need us to answer this for you. You already know what it is you want to do, and I think you are just looking for someone to tell you that you are justified in getting a divorce. Did you realize that you didn't say one thing good about your husband at all? You know what you want to do, and you just need to do it.