My partner says he wants space to sort his head out?

Question

He started having really bad headaches over christmas, then he started getting angry really easily. He told me he needed to be on his own for a bit, but had nowhere to go. After an argument he left, we are now on speaking terms and spend the weekends together, with our kids, but he stays overnight at a friends house.He won't take his clothes, he says our relationship isn't over, he's planning for the summer and he talks about it as though he never left, but he is so confusing. I think he is suffering from depression but he won't see anyone. He says he stays at a friends because it is quiet(it's not at home with 4 kids)he says I need to give him space to sort his head out, does he still want to be with me? Help I am so confused

Answer 1

wow sounds like something might be going on medically the way you relate everything to the start of the headaches. Has he seen his doctor? I think it might be helpful for you and the kids to sort out your feelings with a professional. He is not acting rational and you can only control your reactions and the kids to this. Good luck

Answer 2

I agree this sounds like something medical going on- I am thinking mini-stroke? BUT- we're talking YOU here, not him.

1) you need to see a lawyer and set up a legal separation agreement. That way he must clarify his intentions. Planning to come home someday and visiting on weekends is NOT part of the legal marriage contract he entered into when he said "I do." Make sure your family stays supported financially and via legal obligations. Letting him visit is giving your kids a really mixed message and you need to put limits in black and white.

2) see a counselor NOW- call today. Call your insurance number and get a list or a referral. Set up counseling for the kids- they will need it. And ask the counselor to help set up some family sessions.

Of course you are confused- this idiot is putting you through the wringer. You don't want to be the one person taking care of the kids, the house, the issues- but he has put you in a position where you are. It's a lot of responsibility. You need to sort it out before you can pick up the pieces.
You don't get to walk away from all your responsibilities and he should not either. A lawyer will tell you your rights, and a counselor will help you to determine what is best in your personal situation AND help the kids come to terms with whatever you need to do.
Good luck honey- you have a hard road ahead, but you aren't the first woman to walk it. Some of us are ahead of you and some of us behind- but once you set your foot on solid ground you will feel us marching around you.

Answer 3

You have a situation that you can end right now. So long as you allow your man to behave the way he's acting, he will continue to do so. He is married to you and has children with you. Where do you get to go for peace and quiet? How often do you get to "blow off steam" because of all the noise around? He is trying to make you feel guilty for having a family and you are allowing him to do this. Don't allow him to come and go as he pleases. He wants to stay at the friends' house, then pack his bags. Make him understand that he can't have his cake and eat it too. He is either going to be a husband and a father, or he isn't. You really don't have the time to wait for him to figure it out. You have children to raise. Stop allowing him to call the shots and make the decision for him. Thank you and may GOD bless.

Answer 4

Your partner is not being completely honest with you but that is what is most important now. No father no matter how busy,sick or hardworking should see his kids as a bundle of disturbance.I think he is tired of the marriage and wants to get himself prepared to move on. No good pilot abandoms his plane with his passengers on board and goes to take a long nap. Your partner is your pilot and you and his kids are his passengers. It's very wrong for him to leave his family for some friends even for a day. Have a heart to heart talk with him. Open up to him and make him do the same to you. You really need to know what's going on,you have four kids!

Answer 5

It sounds confusing. It does sound as if he is stressed about something and something probably snapped which is why he left.
I would prob say to him that you love him and want to be with him but unless he is able to commit again to the relationship by (what ever time you believe is a realistic time) then you will have to seperate. Make sure he realsies that you are not trying to pressure him any more but it seems like there is something wrong and if he doesnt let you in or cant live with you then there is no point in a relationship.
Try to get to the route of the prob and if he wont let you in then I think its very clear that your relationship is over.
Give him time though. You dont want to walk away from this too soon but you also dont want to be hanging there.
It is prob effecting your mood too, so its not fair for him to expect you just to accept it.
Good luck

Answer 6

He has a woman. The headaches are likely from the stress of guilt that he has a woman. My husband said the same things, acted the exact same way. They start arguments or blow up easily as an excuse to leave the house. Am so very sorry if this is what it is. Ask him if he's seeing someone and if you can afford it hire a PI.

Answer 7

And it's normally the woman who blames things on her headaches...

Look, you deserve better treatment than this. You are in an equal partnership with children to think about. He has to take responsibility for the situation (that's part of being an adult unfortunately) and deal with whatever's going on. If you're accepting his behaviour without question, then he's going to continue to allow you. You should always be reasonable, encourage him to talk and listen to whatever he says, but DO NOT continue to accept his behaviour as something he is entitled to do. He isn't.

Answer 8

If he needs 'space' to sort his head out...you have to think about YOU too.
You both need to sit down & discuss this these issues together. Not only are you directly affected but so are your Children.
If he has depression then the sensible thing to do is suggest that he does seek medical help & tell him its important that he does this as a means to finding his place again as head of your family...
If its just 'space' he needs..Well, show him the door..there is lots of space the other side of it.
Dont be fooled with excuses.

Answer 9

He may well nees some space but he also seems to want his cake and eat it. He needs to tell you exactly where you are with him. Is he seeing the kids? is he still paying bills? If you are not happy with the situation as it is then tell him he must move out properly or remain in the house and get your relationship back together again.
He might well need a doctor if he is depressed, but running away wont solve anything.

Answer 10

Depression can cause bad headaches, but obviously something must in turn be causing the depression. Is he stressed about work? Has something happened?

Or now this is a long shot, has his personality change as well as his demeanour? It could be possible that he has a brain tumour causing the headaches and the change in moods, though this is only a theory, but perhaps if it's not depression it could be that.