about dating in today's world?
Should she pay her own way to avoid the mindset of "owing" something to her date? What is the purpose of dating for the under 21 crowd, anyway?
2007-03-26 03:34:17 · 22 answers · asked by not yet 7 in Social Science ➔ Gender Studies
Edit: I see a lot of rsponses indicating that the thought of "owing" something to the person who pays for the date is not really an issue these days. That helps a lot. Seems we have made *some* progress, anyway.
2007-03-26 07:18:35 · update #1
I taught my kids that dating is "shopping for a mate'. They only went out in groups before the age of 16, and then I had to pre-approve the person that they'd be in the car with.
Fortunately, I lived in a community with other parents who set the same standards, and my kids had lots more fun hanging out in groups than they did in one on one dates. Too many expectations exist in one on one situations, and especially for girls, it's too much pressure.
My kids knew the facts of life from very young, and I explained to them that sexual urges are powerful and natural, but not something to be played around with.
My daughters knew that boys may often not take 'no' for an answer and that the best thing is to not put ones self in a potentially dicey situation.
I also taught all my kids that it's best to wait for marriage or a committed relationship to have sex, and that they needed to be ready to become parents if they became sexually active, because that's the chance one takes. They all used condoms.
My adult kids are now in committed relationships or marriage, and we've had no STDs, pregnancies, etc.
My daughters expect to be treated with kindness and respect, as do my sons.
There were some issues with my sons AND daughters got their hearts broken by dating inappropriate people
(IE: different value systems), but over all they confided in me and things worked out.
I am also beginning to teach my 9 and 11 year old sons the same things, and hoping for another good outcome.
I believe that as a parent, we have to be very sure of what we believe about sex,love, and relationships, and then openly share that with our kids.
They will make their own choices and mistakes, but I think good, loving, parenting covers a multitude of mistakes.
I'm sure you and your daughter will be fine--your concern indicates that you are a loving parent.
Good luck
2007-03-26 04:48:00 · answer #1 · answered by Croa 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am not sure how old you are or if you even have a daughter but you sound like you are either too over protective or will be too overprotective. My mom did not let me date until I was 18 because she was afraid of letting me be alone with a boy even though she raised me to respect myself and body. In other words not only did she not trust me she did not trust her parenting skills. I remember one time in the 3rd grade a boy gave me a Valentines Day teddy bear and she made me return it because "he is going to want something in return". It was 3rd grade for crying out loud. It took me a while to get over my issues with trusting men. Anyway, No the girl does not owe anything in return and you should tell her that and she should also bring money with to pay her own way unless he offers. Don't tell her "men only want one thing from you" because that will just mess up the way she thinks about men and will have problems in relationships, when she does find a good man.
Also, do you think people should only start dating when they are looking to head down the aisle. The purpose of dating even at a young age is to interact with the opposite sex one on one. I dated casually when I was under 21 just to get to know people, that is the essence of dating, not for sex and not for a potential husband or wife. If you find the right person then those things will follow.
2007-03-26 04:19:14 · answer #2 · answered by trinigal33167 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Hi!
I'm not really sure that just because a man offers to pay for the date, he is expecting a certain something in return! I definitely have never felt that I needed to - well, let's just say it - have sex with a guy just because he's bought me dinner!
That said, I think it's great if the girl pays. It would also show the guy that she's a strong, smart, independent girl who knows her own mind. That way, if he is only after one thing, it should scare the loser right off!! lol!
But there are a lot of decent guys out there who just want to take her out and do the 'gentlemanly' thing of paying. She doesn't want to offend the poor guy. Going half-and-half is the best of both world, as she's still letting him look after her, but also showing him that she's not 'the little woman'.
I'm not really sure what you mean about the 'purpose' of dating for the under 21 crowd? Did you not date before you were 21? Or were you being satirical, and I completely missed the point?! :-)
Relationships are there to teach us something about ourselves and the way we want to live our lives. Your daughter will learn a lot through dating, and if she starts before she's 21 she'll know a lot in preparation for the next 10 years, when she might want to start getting serious with someone.
Just teach her to be responsible, independent - but not necessarily bolshy - and to go with what she thinks is right. I'm sure she'll be fine!
xx Emmie
2007-03-26 05:08:00 · answer #3 · answered by Sparklepop 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have taught my daughters that when they go out on a date they should make it quite clear what their boundaries are and that they will pay there own way. The odd time if it is concert tickets or some event they make a point of reciprocating with another event. My son is also aware of this and since both he and his girlfriend have part time jobs they both pay their own way as well. I have made it clear to them that there is no way that the boy should be responsible for picking up the tab. Young people work hard for their money and I think that the responsible action is to split the cost so that they can go out more often and enjoy themselves.
I pretty much follow the same mindset as Croa, and my children have grown up to be responsibe, stable young adults who posses self respect but also respect diversity.
2007-03-26 08:17:01 · answer #4 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If your daughter is dating, which doesn't usually happen in todays world until people are a bit older; she should be expecting an acceptable date to be one in which she can be taken out to a nice restaurant or other venue without expecting to "owe" anything.
The way kids in the preteen ages are participating in things that I do not have to mention here (not all kids; but too many) what is the reason for dating??
They are into hooking up, and having as many partners as possible.
This is not the moral or even natural progression of life. If your daughter is a moral person, and does not believe in having a sexual relationship before marriage, she will take it upon herself to make it quite clear that she does not owe anything to her date.
The purpose of dating should be for two people to forge a friendship, learn about each other and learn if they are compatible with each other in order to pursue a more permanent relationship.
My daughter had to bring her friends to meet her Dad and I, and we never had a problem worrying about her dates expecting to be owed anything. I am sure that it didn't hurt that my husband would take them aside for a bit of a chat before the first date commenced. (Just as my Dad did, and I never had a problem.)
Best of luck with the dating years, you are obviously a very caring and astute parent and your daughter is blessed to have you in her life. Have a great day.
2007-03-26 04:07:56 · answer #5 · answered by Sue F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I never felt like i owed anyone anything, but I always offer to pay my way too. It just seems more polite if the person who asks for the date pays for the date- man or woman- and no pressure.
2007-03-26 07:55:41 · answer #6 · answered by kermit 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i don't have kids, and i'm not under 21, but i'm a woman, have a sister, and a little niece. i see her, and i wonder what things will be like when she's a teenager, or in her 20's... and quite frankly it kind of scares me. but i'm sure all generations thought the next bunch was headed for disaster... having said that, i see that my sister and i both survived, and have done well, and i think that came from my parents' upbringing, which at the time seemed a bit strict to us, but in the end i think it worked. we were raised to focus on school, and to understand that we needed to grow to be independent and self-sufficient. i think this shaped a lot of what we did, since we didn't grow up thinking that we had to find a man to provide for us, etc. We didn't date at an early age, but always had big groups of friends that included girls and boys. I think it's important to encourage friendships with both sexes as children, so that "boys" don't become a big mystery or taboo, and because it socializes kids and prepares them for adulthood. On top of independence, self respect was key, and that came down even from my great grandmother! i think girls should understand that they don't have to act like a "britney" or a "christina" to be accepted, and that being themselves should be enough.
Be friends with your kids, talk to them, have fun with them- I have a great relationship with my mom, and always have- but set some rules. help them out, they're just kids, and they want to learn from you... i think moms are a huge role model, and a lot of the behaviour your daughters will learn comes from you, so that's huge- think about what you will teach your daughter through your actions, not just by the rules you set.
(and to the guy who said "stay within your own class".... what the he** does that mean?? what century are you in??)
2007-03-26 05:19:11 · answer #7 · answered by chickie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ahh, yes, the teenage years. We've been there and nothing has really changed as my hubby tells my daughter, all guys still just want one thing. Anyway, it is a good way for her to learn how to deal with boys/men. Just like anything else, she should see what's out there, so when it is time when she wants to settle down, she won't settle or grab the first thing. Believe me I'm getting pay backs for all I've done to my parents when I was a teen. Yes, I would have her do a dutch thing when going out to eat. Boys are cheap now-a-days anyway. And if the boy asked her out then she owes him nothing if he pays or not. ANd make-sure she knows HER body is HER property and NO ONE can touch or do what they want without her absolute permission. We have to basically learn from our mistakes when we were teens and avoid those with ours. Good luck. I am just entering that zone with my teen.
2007-03-26 03:47:28 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I believe that young girls should be taught self respect, and independence. . I think that teaching them that it is the guys job to pay all the time, does give them a feeling of the man's superiority. They seem nowadays, to give of themself freely and without any shame. They are considered uncool if not having dates in grade 6 and 7. I was still playing hop scotch at that age..Too much peer pressure, for booze, drugs, and sex, and not enough knowledge about protection....
2007-03-26 03:43:17 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
In today's world we should teach our babies to be mindful of men, to know the difference between a gentlemen and a creep. If she is on a date with a gentlemen then she shouldn't owe him anything. Under 21 crowds don't date in the way older people do, it's more of going out and hanging out then dinner and a movie.
2007-03-26 03:40:35 · answer #10 · answered by katherinet0805 2 · 4⤊ 2⤋