I think my wife is a-sexual. She never wants to have sex! How often is normal.?

Question

She rarely wants to have sex. After our second child, we had sex 7 times over the next two years. I would love sex twice daily, but I'd settle for twice weekly.

I am 100% sure that she's not having an affair.

I've heard about differing libidos and how they change oer the years. I've heard that women in their 30s want it a lot more than they did in their 20s, but we are both in our mid 30s, and still no change.

Now, my wife has battled depression, so is on anti-depressants. She's also on synthroid, for a thyroid problem, and birth control (for several reasons -- not just birth control). From what I've read, they all can lead to decreased libido).

Yes, we've talked about it, and the makes her feel inadequate as a wife.

We've tried counseling too.

I love my wife sooooo much. Our marriage is great, except this area.

I try all the romance stuff too - flowers etc. I do all the laundry, cooking, shopping, most of the kids stuff too.

Any advice for a sexually frustrated guy?

Answer 1

problem is serious!
but u can try again... like u can try forplay and can watch exciting movies ... make her feel romantic. tell her to change her looks and make her feel like u love her and she is even more beautiful than before
try some medicines which are available in the market.

Answer 2

A lot of people have different drives, as you know, someday you may catch up with her drive. And if you were to leave her over this then you'd be sorry since you love her so much.
What can you do about it, will I know it doesn't sound like too much fun, but you can always amuse yourself for a while.
The only thing with her that might work, not flowers, not laundry ect, is to maybe spend more attention on her personally, by starting at taking her out of the environment of home, home is where the stress is. Go for drives, get to spend more and more time together out just you and her if possible. Bring back the romance, tell her how sexy she is, her hair, her eye's ect. play with her hair some women find this luring. French kiss more not pecks that come from marriage. I don't know what is depressing her, if it is something you did in the past, this can really interfere also. Tell her how much you want her. Sometimes, I personally feel that if a man wants a woman he needs to show it outside the bedroom instead of only in the bedroom, which men tend to do after being married. You can do all the laundry, dishes, ect, and I still would not be interested. Make her want you again, the only way to do this is to make yourself more appealling to her by your actions towards her. I also think it has to do with feeling needed. To me that makes me feel more alive and more interested. Because it makes me feel sexy and wanted not just obligated and just the wife, if you get my drift.

Answer 3

Go watch a porn and jerk off. Your wife has so many health problems it's not even funny! Of course, depression is a symptom of thyroid problems, so you might want to have her doctor look into that since the antidepressants may not be needed at all and the decreased libido caused by birth control can be fixed by switching pill brands.

Another thing about antidepressants, they have the same sucess rate as therapy, but therapy doesn't have the side effects and the relapse rate. Perhaps she might want to try going off the antidepressants and actually working towards a change in her life.

The romance stuff is not a turn on. It's sort of ridiculous. I think I would laugh at that.

Answer 4

I have read that a couple that has sex less than 10 times a year can be considered a sex less marriage (by defenition). This just might be a funk she is going through.... a very long funk. There's not much you can do but be understanding and realise it is not a persoanl thing at all. If she is not up to being spontaneous then you both need to sit down and plan a night once a month (I think once a month is a great improvement, twice a week is pushing it!) to have a romantic evening (with sex) so she can prepare herself and expects it. Good luck. Wish I had more advice!

Answer 5

Sorry to hear about your wife, it is the combination of the depression, and the meds. I know because i have friends that are on them and they complain all the time about no sex drive. Know, i would go to the doc with her and speak to her doc about maybe changing her meds or asking about something that can be taken to increase the libido. And i can't believe some people are actually encouraging someone to cheat, that is NOT the answer, that will only make things worse, having kids takes allot out of a woman and you just need to be patient and try to help her out of this depression. And i don't think porn is the answer either, yuk. You could end up addicted to it and a real woman could end up not satisfying you (yes it happens). I hope things work out. Good luck.

Answer 6

Well all the medications shes on can decrease her sexual desire. And depression is a serious manner. I dont know if there is anything more you can do, but stand by her through it. And remind her that you love her.

Its not YOU doing anything wrong, its a chemical imbalance in her brain, and if shes depressed (think about a time you were really sad) you cant expect her to want sex. Or much that you can do to increase her sex drive.

There is more then one way to be intimate without sex. You could suggest to her cuddling naked, or taking a shower together. (of course tell her that theirs no pressure, you just want to be close to her). I mean it could be a little hard on you to restrain yourself. But atleast you could feel close to your wife, and other then that masterbation I guess has to be your best friend. Who knows maybe the things I listed above will help her loosen up and miss intimacy with you aswell.

You sound like a great husband, and I am sorry your going through this. But all you can really do is support her.

Answer 7

I think that sex is part of the marriage contract, the agreement that a man and a woman make with each other when they make their marriage vows. Your wife's consent to sex is so rare that it probably should be considered breech of contract, meaning that you're free from your own vows and may now do as you wish. You might consider that your wife is "holding out" on you so that you will work harder for her favor, and that's an impermissible use of sex as leverage to get power over a marriage partner.

However, that approaches your problem only from the moral angle. None of what I've said relates to the law. Feminism has stacked the deck heavily against men, and for one selfish reason or another men entrusted with official powers (e.g., legislators and judges) have slammed other men who were trying to free themselves of unfair marriages. Since morality and legality are at odds, you must proceed with caution.

Couselling rarely works. The theory has it that one party or the other does not know what he/she really wants, and counselling sessions help to clarify issues. However, this usually is not true. The parties involved usually both know what they want quite well.

When your spouse engages a marriage counsellor, you should think of it as if she were hiring a referee at a ball game and then bribing him to make most of his calls favorable to her.

Wives who intend to divorce their husbands frequently engage marriage counsellors so that later, in court, they can "show" the judge or jury that they "tried" to save the relationship. Counselling can be a kind of hypocrisy.

When divorce is even a whiff in the air, the thing for you to begin doing is converting all your disposable assets into cash and easily transportable and fungible goods, which you will hide in a place known only to you. Your wife should never have seen it and never know that you have been there. If you have a brother or a friend whom you can trust with a great deal of money, do so.

Once your money is out of the accounting systems and inside your pocket (or in your hiding places), it should never again appear where banks or lawyers or detectives can see it... until you spend it. And you will spend it in such small amounts that nobody can prove that you didn't get the money lately.

But don't draw down your saving account in one lump sum. That would alert investigators and lawyers. Instead, you must start "embezzling" YOUR OWN MONEY and carrying it off as if you were stealing it and intended that the police should not catch you doing it. The law is, in certain circumstances (including divorce) not on the side of justice, so honest men concerned with keeping their property must sometimes behave as if they were criminals.

Just something to think about. I've had girlfriends who wanted to be laid when I wasn't in the mood. But I gave them satisfaction in one way or another just because I loved them and wanted them to be happy. Now... why isn't your wife that considerate of you?

Answer 8

Take her out. Take the kids to a babysitter overnight and take your wife out somewhere. Go bowling or go to a bar or go play pool or go to a mini-golf course. Just have fun together and let her relax a bit with a few drinks
Then make your move. Be sneaky on how you give little sexual suggestions while you're out. When you walk next to her, rub the small of her back or rub her leg when youre sitting next to her. Give her seductive smiles, it might make her laugh but just the thought of it would make a girl want to have sex! Just be patient and give her little subtle clues on what you want
If that doesnt work then maybe look into getting her some kind of medication for her libido. They make viagra for women nowadays, too!

Answer 9

Once or twice a week is normal. If you're doing it more than that regularly then there is a larger problem in your marriage.

People may go through spurts where they crave sex twice a day but like all things that should subside over time, if it does not, then there is a problem. You have too much time on your hands, you're trying to prove something to someone, her maybe even yourself etc etc. There is a problem.

Answer 10

Normal, I think is about once a week. Good, is twice a week. Really Good/Hot is about 3 or more a week.

The medication is def. an effect on her libido. She should not
be taken the meds for a long period of time, or else her mind will grow accustom to the endorphins and will not develop them on its own. Her doctor should have recommended or atleast warned her about this.

Maybe a try being a little more agressive or start watching some porn and take matters into your own hands, if you know what I mean.....

Answer 11

Get her health problems addressed, make those your couple-focus. Any single one of those things can result in decreased appetite for sex. All of them together... ouch.

Make sure that her doctors are proactive in her treatments, and understand that she's also experiencing decreased libido. That may influence some of their choices in treatment.

Otherwise... be patient. Maybe do some couples therapy so that the issue isn't such a smoking-gun, help you both come to terms with it and how you'd like to work toward changing it.