My Filipina wife wanted to find work, but my mom said that I should not allow her...?

Question

I wrote earlier and said that "I am currently staying in Tokyo and I am the only son. My father (a Filipino) died several years ago and I am now living with my Japanese mom. I married recently to a Filipina here in Tokyo last year. Since I am the only son, I can't leave my mom. My problem is that my mom insisted that it is Japanese culture that wives should stay at home and do the household. My wife insisted she wanted to work. I said that I am willing to give her allowance instead. Just to prevent trouble with my mom. Do you think that my mom is right? Is it really Japanese tradition that women are prefered to be at home?"

One of the poster, Ernesto, suggested I talk to my wife and ask her the reason why she wanted to work. She said that she need the money to send regularly every month back home to the Philippines for her parents and to send her sisters to college.

I am now more confused. What would you advise?

Answer 1

If it was to help in your house hold that be OK
but she is marred now and her family should
take care of them self's.

Other wise I don't see why she should work...!!!!!

Answer 2

Wanted Filipina Wife

Answer 3

It is not just the Japanese culture where it is seen as ideal for the wife to stay at home and take care of the household. Your mother is forgetting that the Filipino culture always finds this ideal as well, since the beginning. Almost all cultures around the world favor this too. It is something we all have in common. But it is not fair for your mother to say this concerning your wife because many Japanese women work as well. And she should know that you are Filipino as well.

However cultural traditions, ways and values should definitely be respected and practiced, but in many cases such as yours (only son cannot leave his mother), there has to be a balance. Maybe your wife can work part-time or you can come up with a deal with your mother, that if your wife will work, you will stay with your mother, and that with the added income, you and your wife will set some money aside to take care of your mother if she needs it, make improvements to your house or to take vacations, maybe domestically or even to the Philippines!

But you should also explain to your mother that your wife wants to somewhat help her family in the Philippines, and remind your mother that this is also about the importance of culture and family as well. Maybe you could even say that your wife wants to work in order to help her sisters set up businesses so that they don't have to work and therefore be able to take care of their households, just like what your mother reinforces!

Good luck!

Answer 4

If your wife wants to work you should want to make it possible for her. She is your wife afterall! If you, your wife, and your mom are all living together, I think you should all pitch in around the house so that it is not a full-time job for one person. Your wife has a really nice reason for wanting to work, don't you want to help make her dreams come true?

Answer 5

You really are between a rock and a hard place. I was once in your situation back in the USA. I am a Filipino-American married to a Japanese and we had the opportunity to live with My mom and dad when I was back in the US finishing my PhD.
I had the most difficult time understanding one thing. My wife is my first responsibility. I too tried to smooth thing over by just asking my wife to do what my mom was asking, but that was driving a wedge between me and my wife. Ultimately we had leave, and I had to complete my research in Japan. A son naturally wants to please his mother, but to me, after some terrible trials, I learned that my wife must take priority as my mate. Yes, I had, and you have a responsibility to our mothers, but they cannot act like little kids, when they don't get their way, or when you choose to do what your wife wants you to do over what she wants you to do. You need to make her understand that you are now more a husband than a son. I realize that that is going against Japanese traditional culture, but traditional Japanese customs have to change with the times, and with you being married to a foreigner, it is unrealistic for your mom to expect otherwise.

Now, the real trick is to present that message to your mother in a sensitive and loving manner so as not to antagonize or offend her too deeply. Would she be okay with being the cause of you and your wife divorcing? I really hope that she would not. But wives can only take so much pressure without bursting.

One last thing, if you don't feel in your heart that this is the message you want to give to your mother, don't even try. She will know that your aren't into it and take advantage of that weakness. Then you will end up doing more damage to your marriage that you intended.

One option is to have your wife work out of your home. She could take in English students. Mothers are always looking for English teachers for their infant kids. She could do tutoring also. She could teach Filipino cooking. There are a number of things she could do from home. Then everyone is happy. You must understand how boring it is for you wife at home with your mother, considering their relationship. You are the only bridge, so either you will bring them together, or tear them apart. It is up to you. But whatever you do, you are the man, and you must be strong in your decision.

Answer 6

These two cultures are so far removed from my way of life, but I will give you my perspective. You need to be the man of your house if that is what your position is. Your mother should be grateful you are not leaving her alone, and if she is so concerned with Japanese tradition, should quiet her mouth on matters with your wife. (likewise, you should not seek your mother's voice in matters with your wife) Your wife should be concerned with you, as you ARE her family before her mother or sisters. If your wife wanted to earn extra money for you and her, that is fine in my eyes. If her sisters want to go to college, they should earn it on their own. I think it's okay for her to send a little money to her mum if she is in finanical need.

Answer 7

You should have your wife talk to your mother and explain why she wants to work. It is difficult to be in between two women that you love and care so much. You have to make your wife happy and let her help her family in the Philippines.

Why don't you just ask your wife to work part-time, instead of full time? Also, it is an old tradition for women to stay at home for most countries. Let her work part time.

Answer 8

Your mother may be Japanese but must realise your wife is not, and has the right to be who she wants to be, she doesn't have to try and be Japanese.
If you're not willing t stand up to your mother and let her realise she isn't in this marraige, you're headed for disaster.
Your mother may live her life how she wants, but has NO right to tell your wife how to lead hers. Your wife has the right to be who she wants, an individual, without your mother's coinsent on everything she says and does.
You can't please both, but your mom is overstepping her boundaries as a mother and is showing your wife she has no respect for her at all, which diminishes your wife totally, and it's up to YOU to correct that, before your wife gets fed up at being a third wheel in her own marraige.

Answer 9

Well in the old day japanese culture your Mom is right. But now that women independence has spread thru the world it is only natural that a wife goes to work too. But if you don't want to let your wife go to work well help her out with her cause.It's jusst right since yout her work. And your MOm needs to realize that you are married to your wife not her.

Answer 10

hi if your pinay wife wants to work just let her, somehow she has to support her parent and her family members.do not be a momma boy that's my advise.