I need advice about my life crisis, help?

Question

I am 29 and qualify from University this year into a good career in psychiatry. My personal life is very different. I have been with my ex partner since 23. I love him, but he has alcohol misuse problems, wont get a job and lies in bed until lunchtime. He happily lives off benefits and says he does not want children or any responsibility yet (he is 28) He lives with a rich Dad who pays for everything. I want a family etc. I have met somebody else who I like and he is serious about me, wants traditional things in life like I do, but I am torn what to do as my heart loves my recent ex. I have both now wanting to be with me and I am confused. My ex wants to go out as friends until he goes through AA but I know he will relapse as he says he loves drinking.

I am not training to be a psychologist, but a Psychiatric nurse

I am not training to be a psychologist, but a Psychiatric nurse

Answer 1

This is not a crisis -- it's only a crisis in your mind. Look at it this way: you are young, and just about to start an exciting new career. You have time to choose. My recommendation is that you level with both men. Tell your recent ex that you will be happy to go out still as friends with him, but inform him that you have a new boyfriend whom you will be dating. Tell your bf that you have an alcoholic ex with whom you are still friends with whom you will be going out from time to time. Tell them both that's the way it is, and they are not to complain about the other. As a matter of fact, you should probably introduce them and have a lunch or some coffee together. Of course, this arrangement means that your bf will also be free to see other women, since fair is fair. However, if he really loves you, he'll undoubtedly stick around long enough for you to come to your decision. Eventually, your feelings will become clear; there will be time enough to choose between your two men when that happens.

Answer 2

I would seriously pursue a relationship with the new guy you met. If this man wants children and has goals, and will treat you the way you are supposed to be treated, then go for it.

What are the chances of your unemployed, lazy, spoiled ex going to AA when he still loves drinking? He may be just saying that to keep you with him.

I believe when you say you love him, you mean it, but when he says he loves you, does he mean it? Or does he love you as much as you love him? Cause if he did, he would get off his lazy spoiled butt and get a job. He's 28 years old and has to stop living under his daddy's wallet and earn his own way. He's supposed to be a man, not a little boy.

Answer 3

Sit down and bring up this conversation to him.

1. what does he think about your 6 years of relationships?.is just for fun, which i quite doubt, cause if it is to him, then he might as well cheat years ago. so thyere has to be something that he sees in this relationship.

2. then tell him what you think about this relationship, about making a family and all, and that it's not a selfish act. but a dream for most women to have.

3. ask him what does he think about your no.2 point
if you think that his answer is kinda selfish, and childish. then you have all the reason in the world to leave him. but if he shows the slightest sign of change or effort to change, or even a consideration to have an effort to change, then give him a some time, be with him through the whole AA. be apart of the healing. if he comes back to booze. it means he's not strong enough to control his desire for drink. and not being able to control yourself in a marital relation is really really, do do yourself a favor, and leave him. if he's so drawn to drinking he might not even feel sad about that, and even if he does feel sad, at least he learn and understand how sad you were, and he'll fix himself and makes the whole thing worth it.

Answer 4

focus on the future, without the ex, he is everything in a man u do not want from life, so why bother with him, he will only hurt u if u continue with this relationship, also u could ruin your new relationship if u try to keep it. your ex is using u as a crutch till he goes through AA, don't fall for anything the ex may say, don't be flattered by his attention he is now giving u, go with the new guy who shares your values, and belief system.

Answer 5

I would stop feeling sorry for the ex.
He already told you he doesn't want kids and you do. He's 28 and still acts like a teenager.
Let him go and give this new guy a try sounds like the two of you have more in common.

Answer 6

I agree with the first answer you received.

Follow your heart...another man wants to be with you and work for a common goal of a traditional relationship. The man that is living off you and has all paid for by either you or his daddy will never grow up.

Alcoholism is a serious life altering disease and for you to stay around it will only drag you down.

Answer 7

You qualified as a psychiatrist???
Physician heal thyself.
You want to make a decision about the rest of your life based on a few good times with a drunk? Oh, please!
Try reading Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie.
If that doesn't work, try beating your head against a brick wall, because loving a loser is a disaster.

Answer 8

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Answer 9

can you say enabler? don't be one. tell your ex he's bringin you down, you'll always love the memories you had together, but you now have an oportunity to have many more of those memories with your new partner now, with a much smaller chance of getting hurt over n over again by an alchoholic. They have to be completley dry for 20 years before they are happy again it seems. If he's not happy, your not gonna be happy. he may think he's happy, but so why does he reach for the bottle? baggage? bad parents? bad conscience? who knows... remember the good times, forgive him, and move on.

Answer 10

you really need to analysis this situation. i cant sit here and tell you who you should be with. obviously you ex hasn't and properly wont take responsibility for he situation. you say he lives with a rich dad who pays for everything..... this man obviously has no self drive to control his own life and realise on other for everything he even realise on other substances such as alcohol to make him self feel better. this man is 28 and needs a huge wake up call.. and you cant do it for him. off course you may still have feelings for him, you cant just switch them off but he doesn't want the same things you want..i.e. family etc. You deserve a man that is willing to take responsibility for himself and respect you in the process. and i dont believe its your ex that will for fill your needs.... your aware of what you want you need to find someone that will support what you want and wants what you want too........ dont sabotage your dreams for him... you have to ask your self is it really worth it????? .... good luck :)