My husband lost his father today and lashed out at me and said something hurtful, but instead of letting it go, knowing it was the grief talking, I let it turn into an argument. I even let him think I would leave him over it. I feel like such a thoughtless jerk. He's already hurting, and instead of being supportive and understanding, I let my feelings get in the way of just being a decent human being. Why do I have to be so reactionary? How can I undo this? How could he ever forgive me?
2007-03-24 21:30:41 · 9 answers · asked by Lesley M 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Most of humanity operates from a place of ego, and it was your ego that was talking when you lashed back at him.
Go to him, put your arms around him, tell him that you know he's hurting, you have compassion for him, you love him, and you're going to do your very best to be there in whatever way he needs.
If he lashes out again, repeat this mantra: "It's not about me." Repeat this as many times as necessary in order to get yourself together. You know it's not about you. Act like it.
If you really want to know why you (and 99% of the human population) react this way, I encourage you to get a book called "Conscious Loving," by Gay & Kathlyn Hendricks. It will explain everything to you in less than 200 pages. It's a great tool for keeping a relationship going and making it stronger.
Condolences to your husband, good luck to you, and blessings on you both.
2007-03-24 21:41:39 · answer #1 · answered by Jen 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Come clean with him and tell him everything you just typed here. Admitting that you are not perfect and are aware of your mistakes should go a long way towards making up for acting like a heel. Sometimes eating crow is unpleasant, but it will show you truly mean what you say, and are truly sorry.
A way to preventing this from happening in the future is to think before you speak. I know this is something repeatedly said to us in childhood, but take it seriously. Try to not blurt out the first thing you think in a situation. Make the effort just to listen, which can be really, really hard, especially in an emotional conversation. But try--just be there, absorb everything he is telling you. Then, take a breath, and say how you feel, which may be different than the first thing that popped in your head.
Good luck, and I'm sorry for your loss.
2007-03-25 04:40:46 · answer #2 · answered by Cheryl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may sound very odd, but a good argument can sometimes help a person who is grieving. A good argument can get a lot of anger out. You know he was not directing his anger at you. You reacted and both of you argued....you probably did him a lot of good. I think, if anything, he will apologize to you for being so silly. I think it will be him who will come to you and explain he was being horrible because he was grieving. I wouldnt worry about it too much...you probably did him a lot of good. When I was working with youth, when they were angry, I would sometimes egg them on so as they could get their anger out in a safe environment. Maybe thats what happened with you and your husband. He is not silly, he will know why the argument started, and I am sure he is blaming himself. Just tell him, that it's OK, you understand his grief and let it go.
2007-03-25 04:41:59 · answer #3 · answered by rightio 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i would give it a couple of days for both of you to cool off before making the next move
anger is part of the grief process (something that most people don't acknowledge before the event) so don't be too shocked at that
but having said that - someone in turmoil does need firm boundaries - and whatever someone is going through it doesn't negate courtesy and good manners to others. sometimes being supportive can mean being sure that boundaries in your relationship are not eroded - that fact in itself can bring security to your husband
just don't hold grudges at this time but be firm in what you will and wont stand for
as they say - it isn't what people say that counts it is what people do - so if you let him think you were leaving but didn't actually leave then the net result is that you stayed and supported - right?
2007-03-25 04:50:11 · answer #4 · answered by Aslan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Experts say that the death of a parent is one of the most stressful times in a marriage. Tell your husband that you reacted as you did because you were hurt. Let him know you wanted him to reach out to you for comfort instead of lashing out at you. Tell you that you know why he did it and that you are sorry you reacted. He will more than likely tell you that he is sorry too and let you help him through the grieving process.
I am sorry for you and your husband's loss.
2007-03-25 05:30:26 · answer #5 · answered by Patti C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it is easier to say sorry to the one you love... bcoz you know he loves you too. people make mistakes, just remember not to act that way again... pour out your heart to him in asking for forgiveness... he'll understand.. just don't take too long to say sorry. best of luck!
2007-03-25 09:58:32 · answer #6 · answered by lorms 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just apologize to him. Talk it out. Whatever you do, don't go to bed mad at each other.
2007-03-25 05:37:14 · answer #7 · answered by Brian D 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
perhaps you should just apologise immediately, before the incident festers... make it clear that it was a knee-jerk reaction to his outburst and that you didn't mean it...
he may accept it, or he may hold you to the threat and leave or ask you to leave...
2007-03-25 04:35:32 · answer #8 · answered by Forlorn Hope - returned 6 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You need to do some serious apologizing.
2007-03-25 06:34:29 · answer #9 · answered by alexandria1_1999 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋