My wife has chosen her friends over me. What should I do?

Question

I have been married for 20 years now. In the past year or so I have seen a definate change in my wife's attitude toward me. It now seems that her friends are more important than me. She has had a huge change in lifestyle, one which I don't fit into. We have 6 kids and she says she loves me, but really doesn't act like it. I have tried to talk to her about this but she just gets nasty and says I am paranoid. However, she can't seem to get home before 2:00am.

I have also found chats that she saved to men where she was being more than friendly with online. She denies it and says it was her friends doing the chatting using her yahoo account but can I believe that?

I am sick of all the wispering behind my back when she is around her friends and I am in the other room. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move on because of the kids. I do love her but I am sick of the pain she makes me feel.

Can you give me some advice?

Answer 1

She is bored with her life and trying to drum up some excitement. I suggest you find ways to provide her with that. Start by fulfilling her sexual fantasies. Ask her what they are...dont laugh at her or judge her just do it.
Also romance her with things like flowers, dinner out sometimes, go see a band at a club and dance, tell her how sexy she is.
Everyday do something for her that makes life more exciting for her and makes her feel desired.

Answer 2

Yeah, file for divorce. She's got some younger guys, or somebody else.

Simple way:
Tell her "I know what's going on, and I want out. We can make it messy or we can make it easy. We got 6 kids. You can move out with your boyfriend / girlfriend, I'll keep the house, take care of the kids. Or, we can fight over a messy divorce, and everyone will know what's been going on with you. Your choice."

Complicated way:

Save up as much as you can, and keep your mouth shut. Open a secret, new bank account, where they don't mail statements to your house. Put as much as you can in there.

One day, go out for some smokes, or a paper, or whatever. Act natural. Take off for a day or two (to try it out), or forever, your choice.

This used to be a lot easier to do before the electronic economy, going ghost, I mean. They used to make books on it. New ID In America, etc. Not likely as much, any more.

Really she seems to be partying / stepping out. there's nothing you can do. She has been doing all the sneaking around.

That thing with her friends chatting is total bullshit. It's her.

Okay, or you could just say "Hey, You got people, I want a younger girl. In fact, Let's take time to redefine who we are as a family.

Or bullshit her and tell her you want to be a mormon, and bring in a sister wife. whatever.

Seems like she's too far gone to go to counseling. most people that are cheating...like the cheating too much.

Or you could do something to make you look exciting and or vivacious. Sell the house, and buy a sports car. Don't take her for rides, take someone else, and regain some of your self esteem.

Just don't drag your kids into the battles.

And do not get jealous, and just so something violent. you still got many years left. Things will change for the better.

Good luck. It's life, it's a bad deal, and I've been there.

Answer 3

You are suppose to come first. Her friend is going to end up breaking up your marriage. You need to find a way to get rid of this friend. Maybe start by taking her on a trip, keeping her busy, changing the phone numbers, even confronting the friend. Your wife shouldn't be staying out all night. Hire a private detective. Her friend is giving your wife bad advise and should consider your feelings and stop getting advise from her. I will put your family in my prayers. Maybe even finding a good nondenominational church. Have a talk with your wife if she looks away she's hiding something , watch how she acts. Sounds like she's throwing you curb balls.

Answer 4

She is through with you and there is nothing you can do to change it. Counseling would only work if she wanted to remain your wife.
Pack up the computer and take it to your lawyers office. Hire a PI to follow her and get evidence of her late night activities. File for divorce, custody of the kids and remain in the house at all costs. Let her be the one to secure new residence. Call a lawyer and follow his advice to the letter. This woman is not the woman you married. She will, if you allow her to, destroy your family, the lives of you and your children. It is up to you to salvage what is left "without" her. It is obvious she is hiding something, you need to find out what that is and hold her accountable in a court of law. Its that or you will see your children one weekend a month and two weeks out of the summer and a few holidays and you will be paying her, on 6 children, about 50% of your pay check.
Its tough to realize this but think of the kids. DO NOT HESITATE. Get to a lawyer monday morning. Do not tell her anyting.
I have been in your situation more than once and my biggest mistake, that I will regret the rest of my life was not doing what I just suggested you do. I learned too late. My children suffered, my life my family was destroyed.

Answer 5

it really sounds like the first stage in disconnecting from ones spouse, the disrespect, the new life, the going out, other men, lying about ones yahoo account, friends don't use friends accounts, just a cover up for something she knows is wrong.new friends, a change of lifestyles, staying out late, it all spells an affair or cheating. sometimes there isn't an answer to this, but i do believe we teach others how to treat us, by what we are willing to put up with. u need to confront her, even if she leaves u, because this is no kind of a marriage, listen to your intuition, gut feeling on this. she certainly isn't giving u any respect.

Answer 6

After twenty years and six kids I would try and salvage the relationship AFTER I found out nothing was going on........

Figure out when she has the time to cheat and do a little investigative work.
Come home early, or tell her you are staying late.
Check up on her and be emotionally prepared.
Walk into the room with her friends and make a humorous remark about her "boyfriend", then look into the eyes of everyone in the room and check out the reaction........

Answer 7

Clearly, your wife doesn't find her home life satisfying anymore. It may not be directly related to you, it could be a combination of factors such as kids, job, home duties and yourself. So instead of dealing with her home life anymore, she rather try to find ways to be satisfied outside of her house.

If you try to confront her, chances are she will be defensive. But if want to make this work, you will need to find ways to make her home life more satisfying whether that sexually, financially, emotionally, etc. If after trying and you don't see a difference in your wife, you may want to start looking out for you and your children's best interest and thats including counseling or possibly a separation or divorce. If you think she is being unfaithful, try to get as much as information as possible before confronting her. I'd also take a look at the circle of friends she keeps as well. More times than not, your friends are an indication of the type of person you are. Athletes usually surround themselves with other athletes, business men usually surround themselves with other business men and unhappy housewives usually surround themselves around other unhappy housewives. People like to be around people they can relate to. You already said your wife's defense was her friends used her account to flirt with other men and Im willing to bet, some of her friends are either divorced, separated or just flirtious people in nature. And this is the crowd she chooses to be around even though she is married with 6 children.

Bottomline, her actions are hurting you and whats even more hurtful is her failure to notice you are being hurt. She's unhappy and her unhappiness is making you unhappy. So the real question is how much more pain are you willing to endure before you make a decision. If she continues to ignore your feelings, make a decision. Sometimes the best decisions are the most painful ones.

Answer 8

Quit acting like a paranoid jerk and behave in a manner that would make her want to be with you and spend quality time with you. If someone was always bitching at you about you never wanting to be around them, would that be attractive to you or would you want to spend more time with your friends. Try to have some fun together rather than an argument.

Answer 9

She is going through menopause / mid-life crisis or has
developed Bi-Polar disease...
You are going to have to take charge or divorce her...

Answer 10

Wow, it's over. Deal, get over it, find another woman.