Why are some people so unforgiving?

Question

Especially family members.
Perhaps in the next life, they would be more affectionate, forgiving, and would be understanding, and not so judgmental.

Answer 1

"Familiarity breeds contempt."

I know, it is a cliche, but when it comes to family, and especially people in messed-up, dysfunctional families where abuse and neglect and emotional issues run deep and do so for *years at a time*, it really makes sense.

You know these people. You know what makes them tick, what makes them sick, and what *makes them* think they're slick and clever. And....after a while, anyone in his or her right mind *will* get fed up with the games and the suffering they bring, and become hardened to the flaws of these people that they know so well, that in most cases they were born and raised with.

A boy can only love his mother for so many years...until he wakes up a man one morning and realizes she's a drunk, that she's never going to change and will likely *die* a drunk. As mine did. This doesn't mean I didn't do right by my mother in her final days and help my sisters arrange for her to die in comfort with her family nearby--I did help in that regard.

But what it does mean is that my affection for my mother is tempered by the fact, the cold, hard fact that she was seriously neglectful of my sisters and myself for much of our younger lives, and that *that* would not have happened if she weren't an addict to alcohol in the form of cheap beer. It's a fact. She died of emphysema, courtesy of her other vices, but the illness was seriously complicated by diabetes and nerve damage from her alcoholism.

Not that I am saying there weren't circumstances leading her to do what she did and to live like she did...there were.

But. As a single, ordinary human being, and especially as someone who wants to be a good son or a good daughter, and finds out the hard way *over and over* again that it's just not possible without hurting yourself....as a human being you discover, you *cannot* change other people if they *will not* even admit to a need to change. And when it is family like this, that hurts deeply and leaves deep scars.

Scars that never go away no matter *who* says "I'm sorry", or "Life will get better than this," and especially when these words *come from* someone who *doesn't know*.

That is where the unforgiving streak comes from. It comes from an understanding that with some people, and some circumstances, taking the position of *always forgiving* ends up being a form of insanity that can itself lead to self-hatred and self-destruction in the form of suicide.

In those circumstances, the closest you get to forgivness is learning how to *forgive yourself* for not being in control, and for being *randomly and unfairly Stuck* with a bad situation.

I hope this helps some. Thank you for your time, good question!

Answer 2

I have a story myself, my husband don"t know how to forgive, for so many years he hold grugde ,anger, hatred in his heart. The first thing he will do when he meets another uman being is to critisize them without knowing the person first,the first name that comes out from his mouth would ,that bastrad, the idiot or that useless person. His first thinking is ,that person have bad thoughts toeards him or got other bad intention or not completely sincere. He may smile to you at first but once you're out of his side , he will definately curse you. Even his family member ,even my own father and mother, his in-laws. For him he the only one special person who can do things the best. Even his kids cannot stand him,as they expect them to be perfect, if his around we all behave properly according to his rules. You see, how can i stand the whole 18 year married to this person, the answer is with my faith and with god will i always forgive, even if i felt hurt and is hurt if i go againts him. If anyone out there knows a prayer for this type of person, to make him change ,please help me ,i would glady try it ,just to change him into a loving christian, we go to church every sunday seem fruitless if nothing change in him eventhough we go every sunday.

Answer 3

I think of being so frustrated for having children unable to forgive for my addiction problems. Over, and over again I am reminded of the pain I caused my three daughters. Been in recovery for over two years, with a few lapses in between. I say I m sorry with words and my actions. That s how I show change. But it s not enough, so I am told. It s all I have is to show my amends. But I understand because it took me years to forgive my father for his addiction problems, which continued. I forgave him. And the only child of his, out of four children, that decided to forgive and look at what I learned from my father. Forgiveness can take years. Difference is I m a better me, and my children don t see beyond by remembering how I hurt them. Forgiveness is a choice, And a lot of time is wasted holding resentments. That is truly the sad part of the human condition.

Answer 4

Sometimes a person is so hurt, they can not bring themselves to forgive. Family? I don't see how that can be the case, but that is only because it hasn't happened to me.
As for friends, I can forgive, but if I have decied that they are a negative force in my life, it is time to seperate.
I envy those people you see who can find it in their souls to forgive unconditionaly. I mean like a Mom who can forgive the drunk driver for killing her child, sort of stuff.
A greater human being than me!! That is for sure.
I have forgiven people, it just doesn't mean that I can see or be around them again.

Answer 5

some people have so much inside them that if they let it go then the rest of the s!!! will come out and we would know that they are no better then we are, and that they are human just like everyone else.
don't let it get you down
just think after they explode from holding it in then the realness will start

Answer 6

Some people are overly sensitive and the hurt came totally unexpectedly. They also have a lot of anger. They cannot let go of things.

Answer 7

let me guess your the one who needs forgiving?

Answer 8

no clue...i figure they're in a lot of pain, because they have all of that anger buried inside.

Answer 9

I have always wondered the same thing...