Is it time to put my foot down?

Question

I am alone, again, on Saturday night. I only have Sunday off this weekend and next week my husband is on evenings so we won't see each other. I have no desire to become a controlling wife but sometimes I wish he would choose on his own to stay home with me instead of playing poker, watching pay-per-views, or whatever with his buddies on the weekend. I understand his need for his friends, I have no problem with it, but it means I am home by myself, I can't go out, we have a child sleeping here, and it happens pretty much every weekend. I've started telling him the next day that if he'd stayed home he could've "got some", but apparently that isn't enough to entice him. He's 26, he does need his friends, but will he ever choose to stay home with me?

Unfortunately my mother-in-law has more of a life than I do!! lol. I need to find friends who aren't hanging out with their spouse/significant other. They're all with them all the time!

In the last 5 weeks we've had sex 3 times. I honestly do not believe he's cheating on me, but obviously sex isn't that imporant to him. This would've been a great night to have some good, unrushed fun, but he doesn't see it that way.

Answer 1

Yes put your foot down...this guy has it all: a loving wife and
family and whats he doing???.... risking it all for the sake of time to be with his buddies...do their wives and girlfriends feel the same as you or are they happy they are out of the house away from them...he has to shape up and take responsibility for his family and own up to becoming the best husband and father he can be. Could you hear the conversation over the poker table?...yeah she's at home babysitting the kid..i got it pretty good eh?? pass me another beer and get me some of munchies while you're up...she fed me dinner but now I need a top up ...she should be sleeping by the time I get home... sure I'll play another hand...jr is sleeping and she understands these things can run late. so glad she understands I need to get out ... cant get enough of these weekends...nahhh she is happy at home she doesn't complain and I get to do what I want. never thought married life was going to be this easy...I get it whenever I want too...its poker now what will it be in 1 year 5 years 10 years??? he is giving himself enough rope to hang himself...he will either wake up or just keep taking because you keep giving

Answer 2

You are young, so I'll try to be gentle and nice. Are you stupid, or maybe suffered a hard blow to the head recently? Why the hell don't you have a problem with hubby going out nearly every weekend? AND leaving you home- to watch your AND his child? I know my wife would be outraged, except that she'd be laughing too hard at the very idea that I'd go out without her all the time. Girl, NO married person should be out alone regularly- unless they're running for political office. Not a 26, nor a 36, or even a 86. More importantly, a married person shouldn't want to spend all their time away from their spouse. And most importantly, NOBODY should tolerate being treated like the housekeeper nanny, with bedroom privileges included. I seldom push counseling, but you guys need it. You BOTH need to learn what marriage means.. And, yes- I am an old fart. But, when I was 26, I was married, with kids, and didn't go out alone on a weekend night more than once or twice per year. And neither did she.

Answer 3

You can put your foot down as many times as you'd like, but it seems to me that it won't change anything. I'm a firm believer that you can't change anyone but yourself. If you are not happy, I definitely think you should let him know. Guys don't do well with threats, the best thing to do would be to talk to him when he's in a good mood and let him know how you feel without raising your voice-it's hard girl, but keep yourself in control. Age has nothing to do with anything. You BOTH had that baby and it's time for him to think about his family first and friends 2nd. You barely see each other so why doesn't he want to spend time with you? There's usually a reason why they don't want to stay home, it may be there's someone else, but don't accuse him of that unless there's evidence. If there is then that's another ball of wax. Try watching some PPV with him even if you hate them or invite his friends to come to your house to play poker so that you can spend time with him and his friends. Volunteer for stuff that you aren't interested in (this helps).

Answer 4

Try making a "date night" each week. Find a sitter and plan for just the two of you. on other nights, find a hobby, or girlfriends to do things with.

If he is only 26, then i assume you are around the same age. I am a little older than you(34) and have been there with the husband out all the time. mine has settled now, but is on the computer alot now. LOL not sure it will ever be perfect, but this marriage is ours!

Answer 5

You need to re-evaluate your feelings - you're not telling the truth! In your explanation you say you "understand his need for his friends, I have no problem with it" -- but you have a HUGE problems with it! You are just being resentful, and that's understandable, but a big part of fixing a problem is identifying what that problem IS. And, no, he is married, he doesn't NEED his friends. You don't say how long you have been married, but from the start, you should be coming first, and especially since you have a child, he should be WANTING to spend time with his family.
So you've been accepting of this, and now you don't like it. Well, you just have to talk to the guy and explain your point of view, and what you want, and what you would like to have happen.

Answer 6

You sure do need to put your foot down. Truth is , and this isn't to be mean but, you really don't know if his really playing poker or not. I mean if he doesn't want to have sex with you then he must be getting it from someone, I mean his 26 years old and there's not a 26yr old that's going to refuse it from his wife unless his getting it from someone else! Maybe you need to find out if his cheating or not . Mine bet is that he is. And the poker thing and the friend thing is his cover because it seems to work.

Answer 7

You always get what you put up with. If a man doesn't want to be with his family in the few amounts of time that he has available to be with them then he has a serious problem. And you're wondering if you should stop this? This man is not as invested in this relationship as he should be. He 'needs his friends' ? More than his wife and child? What's wrong with this picture?

Answer 8

Yes, it is past time.
He has a wife and child at home and he needs to act like it.
Tell him that if he doesn't start being a husband and father, that you will find a man who will.
Then, if he doesn't straighten up, keep your word. You and your child deserve better. There are too many men out there who would give anything to have what he has and who would appreciate you.

Answer 9

Try making plans with him for Saturday night several days in advance. Let him know there is a movie you'd like to see, or a restaurant you'd like to go to, whatever, and get him to commit to spending time with you so you can get a sitter and have an evening together.

Answer 10

Can you go with him? It sounds like he is being selfish....he doesn't need friend time every weekend.... he has a family. I think the relationship is always on the shoulder of the woman.... its not about being controlling, its about living with a male ego...and men need to hear loud and clear they you love them, adore them and need them home. He doesn't need the whole weekend to run.....more than one night a week should be "we" time.... either you go with him or he stays home.... end of story.