Helping my fiancee recover from rape?

Question

Well as I posted about before last Sunday morning while I was out to the store two men broke into my house and raped my fiancee (who lives with me) and cut my daughters legs with a balde. We are all slowly recoverign from it. My fiancee feels useless and powerless and is horribly shaken. Prior to the rape we slept in seperate bedrooms most nights since we are not married yet but since then she has slept with me. My daughter is recovering but thankfully she was not raped but threatned. My question is how do I deal with my fiancee's depression. She refuses to have sex (which I am not upset about nor object to I understand) but she says she will never have sex again even after our wedding. She also refuses to go into counciling Can someone give advice? Also the police are investigating so dont suggest police.

Another thing my fiancee thinks she was unfaithful to me because she had sex with someone else even though it was forced.

And my dauhgter is not my fiancees child she is my daughter from a prior girlfriend.

One more detail. Dont suggest moving as we live in a nice house and cant afford a new one. We are both 17 so finding a place is diffuclt.

Answer 1

Nobody should even be talking about sex at this time, unless she wants to vent. Just tell her ok honey i understand, or something like that. Of course she says this now. When she talks about it, just agree. Your love is all she needs right now and mabey for a couple of years, anyway, your love and gentle devotion will bring out the woman in her, in due time. She is in shock, i would not push counseling, but how about a female [pastor's wife] from church? she would be more delicate than a clinical physcologist. Anyway, i would proceed with caution and gentleness until she is ready to go. It is her mind, her body, can't anybody get it? She is never going to do anything she doesn't WANT TO DO--she is not a child. She owns her body, and her feelings, she does not have to share them. She was very violated, this is a terrible tragedy. I believe you should move if you can, be arround tranquility. Mabey go to the ocean for awhile. I am so sorry those beasts harmed your precious baby too, God will avenge.

Answer 2

Oh my gosh, that's awful! I am so sorry for you and your family. Also, you are a very good person for putting her needs first. I had a boyfriend who told me if I was ever raped he would never look at me the same, he felt it was almost like cheating (thank goodness he's an ex!). As for your fiancee, it's still fairly recent, and she's probably still in shock. I think she still probably needs some time, and she defnitely needs your continued support. What is the reasoning she gives for not going to counseling? At some point you may have to stongly suggest it to her, but I think give her a little more time. As for sex, you have said you don't expect it, and I think it's going to take a very long time for her to want to do it again. Honestly, without counseling I'm not sure how she will be able to have sex again without feeling dirty and used. Please keep encouraging counseling, or even support groups, at least find books or something to help her cope! Remember, it's them she's been hurt by, not you, even if sometimes it feels like she's taking it out on you.

Answer 3

She really will need counseling and help to even start to get past any of this and the fear of it.... I have to be honest with you i think you both should move to another home or another town or state so she can start to feel safe again and start her life all over again because of all of this. This will take her time and years to even begin to heal from. She will need to see a doctor and seek medical help and attention for her depression and all. Her daughter may end up needing counseling and therapy as well... My heart really goes out to her today and tell her if she needs someone to talk to I am here and here comes lots of hugs her way today and she is in my thoughts and prayers. Love her where she is at and be supportive and loving at this time as she needs you now more then ever. Be her shoulder to lean and cry on. Be her best friend and confidant and hold and love her when she needs it. Maybe if you say you will go to counseling with her she may go as long as you are with her for support. Give it a shot and see if she is open to this.

Answer 4

My God!! Thank god she has such a caring boyfriend. I think at this point give her some time. She is going to go through so many different emotions and you have to just let her. Sometimes we can't fix things and that is really hard. I would call your local rape crisis center to get help and info for yourself. Then when it seems like the right time talk with your fiancee. Also, don't forget about getting help for your little one. This is a huge trauma for everyone. The sooner you can get the help of a professional, the better. It will take time for all of you to heal.

Answer 5

Wow- that is a rough situation. I think all you can do right now is be there for her. In time, she might slowly recover and agree to go see a therapist or something but it's great how you are supportive of her decisions. She might be saying those things because she is still in shock and needs time- VERY REASONABLE. For now- I suggest listening to her and comforting her. Later on when she seems like she's recovering, suggest the therapist idea again if she refuses sex forever.

Answer 6

Your fiancee badly needs therapy! Anybody would under the circumstances. Unfortunately, you can't make her go, but you should encourage her. Maybe you could ask the detectives investigating the rape case if they could try and persuade her to seek counciling (she might be more likely to view their advice as objective).

Also, she's going to need a LOT of time! She's been through alot, and she apparently blames herself for the vile acts of those two cowardly perverts.

Just try and be there for her, and do whatever she needs you to do for her to make her feel safe again!

Good luck - to all three of you!

Answer 7

I am so sorry to hear about that, it has to be very hard for all of you. I would say that she is really going to need to go to counseling or maybe she can find a support group in your area. I have never been in that situation but it would really affect your total thinking of your self worth. It will take a lot of time but she needs to get some help to be able to move past this. I wish you all the best of luck and hope you all are ok.

Answer 8

i am so sorry for the pain you guys have been put through. it amazes me at times what people will do to one another. try to keep her close and reassure her she did not cheat on you. she was cheated. she was cheated out of her right to say no, she is not at fault.
i wish i had some magic words for you but recovering from something like this is a long haul. she did all she could, your daughter was kept safe, probably because of their focus on your girlfriend.
change the locks, maybe install some type of security, they even have fake security systems, sounds silly but it maybe enough to make someone think twice.
she should consider professional help but she may feel embarassed, give her some time. my thoughts will be with you, good luck and be strong.

Answer 9

Rape is a serious thing i may ad that i work in many gentlemen's clubs as a general manager. I help alot of young ladies with there problems and my advice to you is to hold her and comfort her alot especially at night, spend alot of time with her. SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP RIGHT AWAY OR IT WILL GET ALOT WORSE Im sure the hospital found her some help when it happened.. maybe get a couselor to come to the house without her knowing ... Or maybe you should contact a counselor right away and ask them what YOU SHOULD DO!!!

Answer 10

She really should go see a counsler it would be the best route for her to take. If you can get her to try and get her to open up to you, try and get her to talk it doesn't have to be about the rape maybe just her feelings. Possibly see if you can get her to talk to a friend and open up that way. And have patience. It could take her sometime to heal from this even if she did go to counsling. You may also want to see if you can get your daughter to go counseling, even though she wasn't raped, this could have a long last effect on her. I hope this is helpful in any way.