Am i stupid ? should i still try and salvage marriage even when she say she wants out?

Question

my wife and i have been together for almost 13 years married 12 years.weve had a rocky relationship with some constant struggles.we lost are 1st child when we were 18 and 16 years old.since then weve been blessed with 3 kids 12,10,and 9.weve had some serious growing up to do and she still reminds me of are past at every fight weve seperated a few times but we seem to miss eachother and go back.im on work comp right now and she has a steady job that pays 3 to 4 times my amount now.recently we had a fight regarding kids punishment and all of a sudden she wants a divorce.now within the last 6 months i had major back surgery and have become very unmobile .i used to be pretty active.she just had gastric bypass surgery 3 months ago and says im keeping her from seeing her friends.i have change my self so much in 12 years i cant understand why now.i feel hopefully lost and dont know what to do.all 3 kids have said they want to live with me but she says my meds. are making me tired and forget.

Answer 1

Well First off I wish the best of luck to ya! To me it sounds like she might want out now cause she is gonna get or is getting skinny! Wow that is low just let her do as she wants like you say she makes more money so it won't hurt you esp. if the kids want to live with you ! Just be a good dad ,, only concentrate on you kids right now,, let her make the choice,, don't argue,, don't care about what she does,, I would rather have 3 kids love me ! Yet don't sit back and let her cheat on ya! Again.. focus on the kids !

Answer 2

So, youve had 1 year of a happy marriage, the rest has been rocky. I would say youve done pretty well in hanging on so long. You were both kids when you married and you certainly had to grow up fast. At the moment you would be feeling pretty low about yourself. Youve had major back surgery which would be very dibilitating. You are probably feeling redundant, and your wife putting all this extra stress on you wouldnt be helping. The back surgery is only recent, so there is a strong possibility that you will be active again...maybe not as active, but it will certainly improve. I dont mean to be rude, but your wife sounds very selfish. Hell, of course you wouldnt be mobile and if she loved you at all, she would see that you need her help. She should also be mature enough to know that this situation will not be forever and not seeing her friends should come second to your rehabilitation. She is looking for every reason to blame you for the way she is feeling. First thing she needs to do is take equal responsibilty for the marriage turning stale and stop blaming you for everything. You have to stop taking the blame as well. She is just plain selfish, and while you think you still love her, right at this moment you are feeling quite vulnerable and emotional. You havent really experienced much else in life. You have kinda just gone along in the marriage, being involved in the constant arguing, but never really taking steps to see it stop. This is what you are used to. Believe me, marriage and love is much more than what you have described. If you let her go, then you will find what I am saying is true. If you let her go you will be allowing yourself to find a woman who can love you like you deserve. If both of you dont get some counselling, then the marriage is doomed anyway....so why put off the inevitable. Give yourself the opportunity to find out what real love is all about. Let her go, and you will find, for the first time in your life what it is like to experience freedom. You have lived like this for too long now, so how about admitting that the marriage was over 12 years ago. Congratulations on having the guts to stick with it this long....Now its time to let it go.

Answer 3

I think the" kids punishment" fight is just an excuse for her to say she wants a divorce, i think she already had it on her mind and the petty fight over punishment was her opportunity to say she wanted the divorce. You two were married way too young and neither of u had the chance to experience life or for that fact any other relationships.You say u two seem to get back together after break ups- well thats because you both are comfortable with each other , and u are the only one each of u know. I kow where u are coming from about your back surgery i just experienced the same thing with my brother and all the medicine you are on is all just temporary and will sooncome to an end. If shes just had surgery and has lost some weight she probably is gaining back self respect and wants to get out and experience all the things shes missed over the years. My opinion is just let her go because you cant hang on to something that isn't there, its only wishful thinking, you only live once so get out and experience life!!!!!!!!!! Good luck!!

Answer 4

I'm no Dr. Phil, but it seems like there is an underlying problem that your wife is not telling you about. It seems unfeasible that she would want to divorce you because you wanted to punish your child and she didn't or vise versa. If I were in a similar situation I would sit my wife down privately away from outside influence (her friends) and ask her why has she had such a sudden change in heart. Tell her how you really feel and that you would do whatever it took to make the marriage stable and healthy again. During the conversation you should try to understand without making judgement, and at the same time determine her underlying problem that is making her so ready and willing to walk out the door. I hope this helps.

Answer 5

I think this is totally unfair to you, I really hope you recover very soon. From reading your question its seem like the gastric bypass surgery may be affected her different mood or may just the fact that she has more of the responsibility now. The amount of years you have been with you wife is a long time so its worth the fight to stay with her but she has to be fair with you also, for better or worst for richer or for poorer. It doesn't matter love should be unconditonal. Try telling her you appreciate her and what she is doing for the family. You know your wife we don't so think of something she may find romantic or nice coming from you.

Answer 6

Wow! Way too serious for yahoo. Your situation just seems to go from bad to worse. My (ex) wife left me 18 years ago and I was devastated for years. I never had the chance to save our marriage, it was over before I knew it was coming. So I have an idea what your going through. Your first concern should be your kids. Ensure your love for them no matter the outcome. They are tougher than you think. And yet they can also be fragile. Be VERY careful as what you say around them. My kids never heard me say a bad word about their mother, she ragged on me all the time around them. Now as adults, my kids know the difference. I don't know brother, I don't have the answers. Just some advice. Peace.

Answer 7

Did you ever see that episode on the Oprah show? you should it was about people who had surgery I believe it was gastric bypass and as a result they changed because even though they lost the weight which they thought was the reason for their misery they still had not dealt with the root of their problem. on the show most had developed an addiction... you should really see a therapist alone then together, because it takes two, good luck

Answer 8

From what you've said, your wife has been through too much, if she were staying home and just taking care of the three kids that would be enough...but with your health and hers and she works, that is too much stress for anyone. She might not need a divorce but she sure sounds like she needs some free time to herself. Best Wishes

Answer 9

You don't sound stupid to me. Marriage counseling is actually a smart decision, and more marriages would probably be saved if people would go to a counselor sooner.

As for getting her to agree, your best bet is to point out that you do have three children. Even if you do get a divorce, working on your problems will make sharing custody of the children easier.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

This is a very unfortunate situation. I have been with my partner for eight years and like you we lost our first born son when he was just eight weeks old. I think that she may want to just break free for a little bit of all the stress and the kids etc etc. Give her some alone time, Just her on her own. Im going through this at the moment with my partner, though it is me who is not so sure I want to stay in this relationship.