sensitive subject- how do i bring this up "politely"?

Question

i had a friend in Jr. High and High school (this was about 15 years ago)..well, this girl went off and went "wild"... partying, smoking, having sex...we drifted apart as friends- but i kept in touch with her parents throughout the years.
in 2005, through her mother i found out this former friend was pregnant and due around the same time i was...we got in contact through email (we live 2500 miles apart) and have emailed through the years.
she recently had another child this past January 9th...and i found out today that that baby girl died! they said the (the mother) found her in her crib not breathing, with blood on her nose...they are saying it was SIDS.
after thinking about some former emails between us---i think maybe (the mother) may have done something to harm the child...not anything out of anger/rage/hate...but out of depression/munchousen symdrom(sp?) type thing.

how can i bring this up to her parents w/o being ostrasized from the family?

the only clues i have...it that she has taken the baby twice to hospitol b/c the "baby suddenly stopped breathing"..then when they went to the ER, they couldn't find a reason.

also the same thing happened with her now 20 month old daughter...she always took her to the ER b/c the baby would stop breathing....she was investigated once, but they couldn't find anything conclusive--i know this from her little sister.

now hjer new baby dies from SIDS...weird to me.

Answer 1

Don't bring it up to her family. Call her local police and leave an anonymous tip. They will investigate it, and her family need never know that it was you who gave the tip. Let the professionals handle it. If she did something, they can find out through autopsy.

Answer 2

Before everyone jumps to conclusions, I would like to share a quick story with you. I have a dear friend who is a nurse. Her husband is a police officer. They recently had to take their newborn to the ER because she stopped breathing.

Once at the hospital, the child was fine. Immediately, the doctors and nurses felt that the parents had poisoned their child. This was the same hospital where the mother worked as a nurse! Yet, they were still suspected of harming their child.

Turns out that the child had a rare metabolic disorder. Long story short, the reason the child stopped breathing was due to this disorder. Basically, her body lacks an enzyme that would allow her to break down fat into energy. She had been in a fasting state and became hypoglycemic along with other problems. The reason she was fine once they were at the hospital was due to the IV fluids she received - it brought her sugar levels up.

I am close to this family as my son suffers from the same disorder. It is difficult for people to understand and since it is so rare, many doctors and nurses are not aware of these disorders.

I am not saying your friend's child had this problem. However, fatty oxidation disorders are inherited, so it is possible if the other sibling had a similar problem, it could be related in that way. Do you know if your state requires Newborn Screening? Many states do not test for everything. It may be worth looking into.

Again, I'm not "defending" your friend. If she is truly abusing the children, you need to do something. But I also know, far too well, the damage that is caused by false accusations.

Just something to think about. Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi !!!

It is in deed a very sensitive and serious topic, even to comment on it!!!

But the first thing it comes to mind is; Do you have the e-mails to support this assumption of yours????

When or before, a person think about to tell or dig into something that is so dangerously serious, one needs to have lots of prove to support this assumptions.

As for now, it is only something that you fell, happened.
If in fact there is something wrong with her, someone in her family, most have notice, something at some point.

What I would advise to you is, without giving any info. or nor even your personal thoughts, into this matter, call and very subtle, ask questions, like how was she feeling or if she was O.K., but DO NOT SUGGEST, anything, as when you do this, you are accusing her of what your are assuming she did.

Ask if she was depressed, or seeing a doctor, this type of questions will lead people to then say other things and you can probably, have more info. to deal yourself with.

Be careful, but if there are other children involve and you feel strongly about this, you can also make an anonymous call to authorities, to investigate further. Just for the sake and security of the other children.

I hope you are wrong in your assumptions. For you own peace of mind.

GOD BLESS YOU & HAPPY LIFE

A.Z.

Answer 4

some things are better left unsaid and this would be one of those times I know you were friends like you said but this would be one of those things that by saying it would not get you any where it would be just said and hurt someone in the process as well as your relationship which is what your worried about and believe me bring it up would just harm your relationship not help it.......I have worked in the field of group homes which has nothing to do with your situation but we have had allot of things that went on and one way a TPC said to me is when we look at what people tell and say is (is this something that's going to help by saying it or is it something that's just for the sole purpose of hurting even though sometimes we feel the need to say it) in your friends case if it was determined by the EXPERTS of SIDS then it's probably that and let it go if it's not by chance the mother will have enough gilt either way and get help for what your talking about so probably something better left unsaid.....you make your decisions but I hope what I said can help you in this

Answer 5

Make sure you have solid facts before you even mention this to her family. If you feel you are sure, then you must tell the family. If not, keep your mouth shut. There is no way you can tell a family of your suspicions without risking being ostracized. This is a tough position to be in. Be prepared for your e-mails to be read and to be a witness in court if you are sure. You also can go to the police rather than the family. Either way, this will be tough if you pursue your suspicions.

Answer 6

You cannot. This is a very sensitive time for the whole family. SIDS unfortunately is not rare, and your concerns will only cause greater hurt and pain. There is no way to express this without ending the friendship and being ostracized not only by her family, but by anyone who knows you both.
If it helps be aware that the death will be checked out usually. Say nothing to her family other than you are very sorry about the death of their grandchild.

Answer 7

Are you serious??? All your so-called evidence comes from things you've read between the lines of her emails, and you're ready to point the finger at her and accuse her of murder? Not a word about "gee, maybe I should feel compassion for her, after all she has just gone through a major tradedy in losing her child". And to top it all off, your main worry is how you can pull this off and still stay in the family's good books? You really are a piece of work.
Oh yes, and next time you throw around names of syndromes you can't spell - at least research what they mean first.

Answer 8

Did they do an autopsey?? I think that maybe you should ask if they did one. Cause I have had a friends who have lodt there kids over SIDS and they didnt ever say anything about blood on the babys nose or any where else

Answer 9

i don't think theres exactly a "polite" way 2 tell ur friends family that u think thier daughter murdered her own baby, go 2 the cops, but make it like an anonimous message, then the family will never know u did it and the detective dudes will look into it, or look at the autopsy. (always a possibility that the baby hit its head or somthing)

Answer 10

god you cant do that politely! the only thing you can do is accidentally email her emails she sent you to her parents and let them make up their own minds but dont jump to conclusions just because someone is stressed or depressed doesnt mean they would hurt a child but then again maybe if you are sure you should go the police.