wat do you think about this problem with friend???

Question

karenMember since: March 22, 2007

Total points: 85 (Level 1)

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karen
S Friend taking advantage??
Advice on a friend problem??
i have this friend whose mom died a year ago, and since then her dad has been trying to figure out how to discipline her. she basically spends more time at my house than at her own, we take her everywhere (like shopping, out to dinner, etc) and one time she even spent the night 9 nights in a row on school days. we feed her dinner and take her home from school every day, some days even to school. so finally her dad agreed to take us to the mall and then out to dinner. i was super excited because im still getting used to feeling well and being able to get out of the house because all of my life i have struggled with heart problems and surgeries and mild depression and anxiety disorder. but he said he would only take us if she went to japanese school. She had been skipping it for two months (her dad was transferred here from japan when she was really little) and she only had to go one morning because it was the last day of school. If she did that, we could go. She agreed to the deal and so the next day I got all ready and was waiting for her to pick me up and she calls me and goes oh sorry I decided not to go to Japanese school so we cant go. So our plans for that day and the following day were cancelled because she hadn’t wanted to go. I don’t want to sound bitchy or anything, but I want to let her no how upset that made me. I have done so much for her and wonder why she cant do me one little favor?? I don’t know… I don’t want to overreact. Honestly am I?? Do u think I should let her no how I feel or not?? Should I just let it go?? If I should tell her how I feel, wat do I say so as not to make a big deal about the whole situation??

Additional Details

4 minutes ago
her dad is nice but clueless. he stays at work tell 11 at night and never takes a day off. its hard not to open our doors when we no she is sitting at home alone all day.

I NEVER SAID I WASNT GOING TO BE HER FRIEND ANYMORE!!! i was just wondering how to approach the situation.

Answer 1

Hi Karen. I read your question more than an hour ago and I've been thinking about it ever since, on and off. It's clear that you can't tell us everything here because of space available and you'll lose our interest. I'm wondering how your friend's mom died. Certainly this was a real tragedy for their family. Does she have any brothers or sisters? Her dad is probably feeling real loss and is incapacitated by his wife's death and the burden of trying to raise his daughter. I'm not even trying to make excuses for them. They have suffered a devastating loss. I'm not sure about the dad wanting to discipline her. Maybe he just wants to spend time with her, but doesn't know how to do it. Talk about depression!

I would encourage you to talk to her about your feelings, and tell her how you feel left out. Try to be understanding. It sounds like you have also suffered a lot, and are wise beyond your years, though you may not have had someone very close to you die. They say you are not really responsible for yourself for a full year after the death of someone very close. My mother died 25 years ago and I never really got over it.

Perhaps you and your friend can devise a few plans to take her dad out together for activities. It sounds like he needs it the most. Try to read some novels by Japanese authors so you can understand their culture and its psychology a bit. My favorite Japanese author is probably appropriate for adults only.

You and your family have been really good since you took her under your collective wing. I'm sure it means the world to her and to her dad.

Answer 2

It is not your responsibility to take care of her or expect her to do anything just because you want her to. If you did all those things because you love her and want what is best for her, then great. But if you did them expecting her to do something in return, then you will always be disappointed in people. I do what I think God is leading me to do, because it is the right thing to do. Not because I expect that everyone will return the favors. You are not her mother or father, and you cannot make her be responsible. You can talk to her about your feelings, but don't be overly confrontational and compromise your friendship because you didn't get to go to the mall. This would be childish. She obviously is going through a lot that you probably haven't got the capacity to understand since you haven't lost your parent. It isn't something you can put a time frame on and her father doesn't seem to be handling the situation any better than she is. Maybe she doesn't want to go to the school because it reminds her of her mother or she is going through depression. Have you asked her why she is acting this way? Be a friend to her, a true friend. She will come around and if she doesn't and she continues to be self destructive or disrespectful of your feelings and needs then you may eventually have to end your friendship.

Answer 3

I know how you must feel but also think what she going through she lost her mother and her dad is never around. I know you and your family do allot for her and it would be nice for her to return the favor but she probably going through lot of emotion and personally don't know how to show them especially to her father. I know when I was younger and lost my mom I distance myself as far as I could from my father I did the same as she doing I would stay at my friends house and only go home when he asked me to or on the weekends as least once a month but it hard to face the fact your mother gone and all you have is your father who hardly around. I suggest to you do say something to her but ask her why and see if she needs to talk because she maybe having some feeling that she don't know how to express. Good luck and be strong for your friend.

Answer 4

It's loopy how speedy the women on right here desire to yell rape. It turns out to me that she desired to cheat on her bf and is utilising "I used to be asleep" as an excuse. The handiest means she do not need woken up is that if she used to be drugged or handed out inebriated or even at the final side calling it "rape" might be form of a grey field. If she used so far the fellow than optimistically she may not come to be slandering his identify simply to justify her movements. Tell her to come back blank or he's going to pay for it. Maybe on the way to make her confess. If now not then ask her why she did not get up and quit him and pass from there.

Answer 5

Sounds like the Dad and daughter need to get into counseling
they are both going through the grief process and are self destructing
The Dad is now a workaholic to avoid the grief


Quit opening your door if it bothers you
you have no obligation to her or her Dad
unless you want to stay her friend
sounds like she needs one desperately

Answer 6

wow. That is a big issue. My sister had a similar problem with her friend. You aren't being bitchy or rude. You are bing a good friend helping her and she was rude for not hold up her end of the bargin. Tell her how you feel.

Answer 7

Somehow I'd let her know the friendship doesn't exist w/out compromise from both parties. It doesn't feel good to be used. How must her Dad feel, having lost 2 women in his life? She sounds ultra self centered ! ! !

Answer 8

Maybe she just wanted to spend some time with her dad? Like you said, she's over at your house and doesn't seem to see him too much. I think, as her friend, you should try to be more understanding.