fiance always complaining about me...do I have to change before I get married?

Question

Well, it seems as if I'm always doing something wrong (truth is, I really am!) and I can't stop! if it's not the tone of voice, it's the staying on the computer too long thing, or it's the jamming up the printer, or arriving late to an appointment...anyway....I've been feeling really bad about myself lately...and we're supposed to be married in 2 months. My question is, should he accept me with all my faults (I am immature, moody, clumsy...) or am I supposed to change before we get married? I know I have some wonderful sides to me (funny, creative, affectionate, a great cook) but he is always complaining and telling me I have to change...my parents agree...but I just think he should love me the way I am! is that a fairy tale? Does this mean he's not right for me? I love him and he loves me, but I'm tired of not feeling good enough...I'm starting to feel bad about myself!

Answer 1

If he expects you to change, then change for a new fiancee. People, when getting married, either love you for who you are or don't. Ask him what attracted him to you in the first place. Having these many problems before marriage, cut your risks and cancel the wedding. Getting married only magnifies them. Spoken by someone who knows!

Answer 2

No Ingrid, he's probably made for you. The problem is (and you said it yourself) you are a bit immature. All this means is that "YOU" are not ready for marriage! If I were you I would force this quality upon myself! In other words, get out on your own for about 2-3 years! No boy friend, no parents. Just you, a job, an apartment, and you trying to make it work by yourself! You will need plenty of friends to ask the important "how to" questions. If you have done this before then consider this a refresher course. If you fear this kind of action, then that's good! It shows it's needed. When you are ho-hum about this action then you have reached a level of maturity to select a life's partner. The one you have is defective! Return it and get your money back. lol A mature friend would stop nagging and start assisting. A daily planner for you scheduling, an alarm watch for keeping appointments, a better quality printer that won't jam paper as often! A satellite Internet system with a notebook so computer times will not be a problem.

Answer 3

You are who you are. Don't expect to change, or to change him. If he doesn't like you the way you are, and that makes you feel bad about yourself, I would not get married - at the least, I would postpone the marriage if you truly love each other. You need to get these things settled before marriage - not during or after. Sounds serious enough to do it before - you'll always be dealing with things throughout your whole marriage, but not huge stuff unless something comes up during - get this out of the way NOW - resolve it or move on - I had a 7 year relationship with someone who was always complaining - when I found someone new, it was heavenly and I didn't change a thing about me! Good luck.

Answer 4

I can't say who is right-you or your fiance-but I can tell you that if his complaining is this big of a deal now, things will only get worse after you are married! Personally, I suggest canceling or post-poning the date until you've had pre-marital counseling. This marriage may not be such a good idea if you two are not happy with each others faults or cannot accomodate each other to the point where you can live with each others faults.

Also, it's just a guess...but your parents may be right. Marriage involves compromise and seeing to "each other's" needs. The notion that he should just accept all as is with no compromise or effort to accomodate on your part is an attitude that will utlimately doom your marriage to failure. Honesly, it sounds somewhat selfish. That fairy tale is just that-a fairy tale!

Answer 5

If you change, do it because you want to make yourself a better person, be responsible, and grow up..... for yourself! It sounds like you are aware of your flaws, and that you would like to improve these. Work on one at a time.

As far as getting married, with the wedding 2 months away, I'm sure your both stressed over it. Take a break. Put the wedding out of your minds for a weekend. Enjoy each other, and remember the reasons you decided to get married in the first place. Talk with him. Now is the time to lay it all out on the table. After the wedding is too late to start talking about it.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

Answer 6

I read all the posts and I agree with them all....

If right now, when you are starting a new life together, you are already having problems and feeling bad about yourself, what on earth are you thinking about when you consider going ahead with the marriage?

We all want and need to be loved and accepted..That is why we look for a partner in the first place! If your fiance doesn't accept you now - young, pretty, etc. - what makes you think things will be better in the future!

The old joke says that "Women expect men to change- and they don't. And that men expect women NOT to change- and they do!"

I'd say you need to sit down and really think about this.
It doesn't sound right....at least, not right now.
Good luck.

Answer 7

You shouldn't marry someone whom makes you feel bad about yourself.If he really loved you he would take you has you are.Not put you down for being yourself.He sounds like he could be a bit abusive.You know he doesn't have to hit to be an abuser.By pointing out your flaws and making your self esteem drop.He is mentally abusing you.You should ditch him and save marriage for someone who loves you for you.I am sure your are no more moody or immature than I was when I was in gaged to my hubby.I know you can't even come close to me in the moody category.I am an Sicilian girl with a bad temper and I can go from angel to extreme B****.In about 2 seconds.And my hubby never put me down for it.He pulled me aside once and tried to reason with me.But that was only because I was cussing out a guy about 3 times my size and he was afraid I would get hurt.My hubby has always loved me in spite of my many faults.And that is what true love is.Loving someone for who they are and accepting them.Not trying to force change on them.You can do better than him.

Answer 8

Think about this. You're tired of being told you aren't good enough and you aren't even married. I guarantee you the complaints won't go away or even be reduced in number after the ceremony. If you don't feel good enough now, you'll feel a whole lot worse in the future when you're "his". In fact, they will increase. It's time you tell the guy he'd better zip his lip or the deal is off. The problem isn't him. It's you. You've allowed him to seriously disrespect you without even a whimper. You don't complain, you even agree with him and that's a terrible thing to do to yourself.

Answer 9

Honey, if your feeling this much pressure, you need to take the time and set the wedding back, so you can think over things.
The one you should be getting married to should not be nit picking you all the time. Instead he encourages change, not put you down for your problem areas. It is not a healthy situation, and i think you should not get married until you are completely saying
"Yes! This is the guy that makes me feel like I can take on the world with him by my side!"

I personally have found that man...and after 7 years of dating and 1.5 years of engagement, I know for sure that is what I have. I am getting married in July and while we are completing our last steps of pre-marriage counciling, everything is being confirmed. I am confident in myself and in him. That is what you are looking for. Don't give in. Find this Peace of Mind!
Everyone makes mistakes! I know I have many areas I need to work on and that my fiance wishes I would grow in. But he only encourages me and shows by example, instead of criticizes. And I do the same for him! Other than this its just not healthy and both of you will not grow...just get frustrated with each other.

Please Please Please! Just Take Your Time!!!
Marriage won't fix all your problems!!! And Marriage is meant to last a lifetime, so make sure you have it set up to last the long haul in the first place!!
Ex) If you are building a bridge, would you build it not up to code first, and knowing that there are a few areas that are weak, wait it to fall down and hurt someone? No! You make sure it is up to specs and is in tip top condition before you trust precious lives on it! The same should go with your marriage!
I hope this helps! I've thought about this for a long long time and boy does it take a while to find all those hidden sides of your sig. other! I was still finding major things out about my fiance's personality and manorisms many years into our relationship. Heck I didn't even know he really liked playing video games until 2.5 years into dating him, because he didn't know how I would feel about it! Its amazing the things we hold back until we feel completely comfortable with someone.
Just tell everyone you need to step back and breath for a bit. I was suppose to get married last year, but we decided to put things off for a year, so we were on the same page with EVERYTHING in our life. Trust me, with the divorce rate climbing over HALF now, try everything to make sure you are with the right one!

If you need any more advice Please Please Please email me! I am 23, and will talk to you about anything you want!

Be Strong and Good Luck!

Answer 10

If he's in love with you, he would not want you to change. Tell him to stop complaining and accept you the way you are. If he complains about you now, it is not going to get better after you are married, it will just get worse. Think about what you are doing before you marry this guy.