husband or daughter, how do i choose?

Question

My daughter suffers from some severe mental and phycological disabilities, that have manefested into full blown disturbing behaviors, this has caused a wedge in my family circle, and my marriage is on the rocks not to mention my sanity, it breaks my heart to think that I may have to committ her, how do I do this without feeling guilty, like Ive chosen my husband over her?????

she is 15, and there is a history of mental illness

Answer 1

You have to do what is best for the whole family. Most of all your daughter. If committing her for a while to receive the help she needs then don't feel guilty for doing that, it most certainly doesn't mean you chose him over her.I'm don't know how old she is but if you can get her help that is the best thing you can do for her, that is called love

Answer 2

Well she might get more help in a hospital than you can provide. Hospitals have stable atmospheres, they are consistent in everything... down to the time they give out pills every evening. Your home is not stable, you and your husband are on the rocks, and lets be serious if you break up now you will lose your daughter forever... she'll see more chaos than what she is already self generating. She doesn't need to be in a split up home or in a troubled relationship too, it will add to her confusion. Send her to the hospital. Make sure they give good care... I have a recommendation Southwood in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, I was sent there, and they have a gym you go to everyday, activity times, well balanced meals, secure facilities, and round the clock therapists that are available when they are needed. You don't feel like your in a prison there. There is a long and short term placement. The long term is anything over a month the short term is generally less than a week. I believe it costs about $10,000/night though in the short term hospital (so you would need insurance). I am not sure about the long term.

Answer 3

You have not mentioned exactly what mental disorder it is. Most are controled bymedication.. I have a sister that is a schizophenric, her husband chose to not do any hospital time. On her medication she acts quite normal. If your daughter is not responding to medication you need to get the tough love thing going and see if someone can help her in a controled environment. It is quite the opposite of not caring. If you love her help her find a way for a normal life. Pick the best place and make sure you see her often as they will let you. Your husband may not be wrong. I have a friend whose family struggled with the son's mental illness untill he took a bat and killed his mother thinking she was a demon and he was protecting the house. It is heartbreaking.

Answer 4

Honey,I have read every answer that you have received and gave everyone a good rating except for one, and I don't feel divorce is the issue here.
I am the Mother of 5 happily married grown children and have been married to their Father for 54 yrs. We are a happy couple and have worked out a lot together.Children at your daughters age can be a real challenge to raise without mental and the problems you describe. My oldest was something else to raise. She was, as they said normal.

What I want to say to you is, do what you feel like is best for each one of your situations, starting with your daughter, then yourself and then your husband. I am assuming that he is not the father of your daughter. Your daughter just may be safer if she is somewhere that she can get help. If you decide to go that route. Do not feel guilty because you have given it a lot of thought and you will visit her often. Put yourself in her shoes and threat her as you would want to be treated if you had her problems and had to go away. Go talk with a church counselor about your situation. We are Baptist, just walk in the office during the week or call and ask for an app. to talk. You will feel better. If you don't like that one, go to another. I am going to give you my email if you wish to give me any more of the story.God Bless you honey and your family.
Are there others??-- [e-mail] ~~~~Jill

Answer 5

It really depends here..If the mental illness is treatening everyones quailty of life including your daughters...

Is it an illness that would be better treated in a 24 hour facility where there are professionals to help her through her mental illness?

I know you love your daughter..but you really have to sit down and think if you are equipped with dealing and help her quailty of life..

Some families end up with a mentally ill child that cannot be cared for in the home and dont understand nor want to believe that maybe home is not a good place for the child. A hospital or a home maybe better for everyday treatment as well as for her safety..

I am not saying choose your husband over her..I am saying you need to see what is better for your daughter..

Answer 6

This is totally up to you ... Do you feel your daughter will be better in an institution or at home with you and your husband. She may have to be commited for her own safety and everyone elses for that matter. Have you asked a doctor about this and see what they advise you to do? Commiting her may be the best thing for her and this may very well be loving of you to do so for her. Do not feel guilty doing the right thing for her and her safety and for the well being of the whole family. Good luck to you. I also suggest you go to http://www.drphil.com and email him for help and advice in this situation. This will not be easy for you to do but it may be the right thing to do... Doing the right thing is not always easy. You could also put her in a place that is specialized in caring for her as well.... Especially if you cannot handle her or the situation anymore and no one would think less of you for doing so and what is best for her... Just make sure you could visit her and see her alot once she is there. This way she still sees mom and knows that mom loves her.

Answer 7

This is a difficult decision for any parent to make. There are many factors to consider. I'm certain that she is being cared for by a Psychiatrist. What does he/she say? What is her diagnosis? What is is her prognosis? Have you had more than one professional opinion? All things considered, if there is no hope whatsoever, of her being stabilized with medication, and /or long term therapy, or of she is suicidal, she may be safer in a more secure environment. Remember, she is 15 now, and may out live you by many years. Who will take care of her when you and your husband are gone?

Answer 8

Wow, this is a tough one. You need professional advice on your daughter and how good the chance is that she can resume life normally. If you and your husband are helpless with her and are so angry and frustrated that your marriage is at risk, then you might end up losing BOTH, right? Jeez, I don't know, I am only one person here and I can't fathom what you are going through, but my brain tells me to advise you to keep your marriage solid and do what you can for your daughter after that. You need the marriage, its your rock. Please take care.

Answer 9

If your daughter does need to be committed, then you and your husband should be making sure that she gets into a good facility where she will be well taken care of and treated.

Also, you and he should visit her on a regular basis so that she will not feel forgotten.

If your husband were a good man, he would be helping you with all of this instead of making things miserable for you.

Answer 10

you and your husband need to work on this together and see to it that your daughter gets the help she needs. is your husband the biological father or a step parent? if he is a step parent, somehow i think he is giving you the choice of him or her. if he is the biological parent, then where is his support for you? take a step back, you are going to feel a lot more guilty if you don't do something for your daughter and something happens. i know this is so hard on you and is a hard decision to make=you are in my prayers and i wish you the best of luck.